Eating in Sochi, by the Internet's reports, has not been an enjoyable experience. And, due to a local ordinance instated last month that bans "alcohol sales within 50 meters of some sports venues," there's nothing to wash down all of that disappointing grub with. A law was also passed last year that prohibits alcohol being sold in stadiums and sport arenas, making for what the Wall Street Journal is calling "the driest Olympics in memory." Unless of course, you're a Canadian. Then you might be drinking cold brews from this beer fridge that's only accessible to those carrying Canadian passports.
For the rest of Sochi attendees, it's been tough grubbing. That's not a strike against Russian food, which is ordinarily delicious (shout out to our favorite Russian spots in NYC), but more so, an issue of Sochi hotels being unprepared for the onslaught of journalists and Olympians. And, in some cases, Americans just being uncultured unfamiliar with Russian customs and cuisine.
Here's a rundown of everything on the menu at Putin's Place (which, if it wasn't already clear, doesn't actually exist. At least, not to our knowledge).
-Any yogurt that's not Chobani. 5,000 containers of Chobani meant to fuel Olympians were detained in customs, and ultimately had to be sent back. The Greek yogurt was then donated to local food banks.
-Tinned peas and marmalade. Canned veggies and jam do not a breakfast make. Though, considering the many seemingly-strange things other cultures eat (no breakfast cereal, WUT?), this combo seems relatively benign.
-Soup of the day: vodka. At least one restaurant in Sochi added a little levity to the situation.
Also, in place of God, we have vodka, apparently: In one Sochi hotel, a bottle of booze was found in the spot usually reserved for the bible in the nightstand.
-Stray Dog à la carte. Thankfully, there are no reports of dogs being served as food at Sochi. But, Sochi has been unceremoniously exterminating its stray dog population, a truly stomach-turning move.
-Asian cuisine. Hey, have an ethnically ambiguous meal!
-Cakes in the ass. A slice, maybe. But a whole cake? Why would I...? Oh. In the assortment? That's less exciting.
-Ice cream in the ass. Nothing to see here. Just some melted dairy product and a poor translation. All that wasted ice cream...
-Cok juice. Cok apparently means "juice" in Russian. That information was likely lost on thirsty Americans, who were confused about what exactly they were washing their breakfasts down with.
-Lemonade in the ass. So many things to put in the ass, so little time. (And, so many laws in Russia against it.)
-Fresh golden spring water. The woman who tweeted the image below was warned, "Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous." No word on what drinking said water would do to your insides.
-Coca-Cola. Nope, none of that. Looks like it's back to the vodka!
-Honey with fresh bees. Hey, at least the insect here is associated with the product.
...which is more than we can say for this tainted Oreo (which is probably not from Sochi).
In case you didn't know how all of these questionable edibles might affect the human body, Sochi did you a solid and summed it up for you: