Depressing Facts About Dating That Will Make You Ecstatic You're Single

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Americans believe that a relationship should be built on trust...as long as that trust can be fact checked. Seekingarrangement.com found that over half of our fellow countrymen are into snooping on their significant other. An Ourtime.com survey found that 40% of Americans approve of spying on a boyfriend or girlfriend if they suspect foul play. That means that about ten percent of the populace is feeling super guilty about checking their lover's phone for sexts.

There is a one in five chance that being in a relationship is going to turn you into a dirty, cheating dog. Why bother getting into a relationship if you are just going to pick up a scarlet letter? Having a revolving door of lovers when you're single earns you a reputation as a playboy, but the same behavior while you're in a relationship will get you a reputation for being an asshole. Do you think you're the kind of guy who can sneak around guilt-free? Think again. Two-thirds of men feel guilt after they cheat on their lover, so you probably aren't as open to a motel room rendezvous as you think. 

You know that ecstatic feeling you get when you first fall in love? The feeling of being head-over-heels in love is the result of raised levels of protein in your bloodstream, and it goes away in short order. After a year, those crazy love chemicals settle down and you're left with "companionate love." We know this type of love as "honey, I would love you to mow the lawn," and "I would love it if you did something besides sit on the couch all day." So that thing you spend hundreds of dollars and dozens of nights cultivating over romantic dinners and moonlit strolls disappears into the ether before the Earth gets all the way back around the sun. The good thing about one-night stands is that you don't give those proteins a chance to settle before you're out the door.

One of the hazards of dating is that it can lead to marriage. Conventional wisdom tells us that getting married means you'll be getting laid on the regular. It turns out that a mildly successful Tinder user is getting it more often than the average married man. Sadly, between work, child-rearing, and re-runs of Big Bang Theory, married couples have trouble finding time to get it on. All the discomfort of a snoring, fidgeting, blanket-hogging human sharing your bed in exchange for one round of nookie per week just doesn't seem like a worthwhile trade.

That age-old "married people get fat and wear sweatpants" theory is actually backed up by science. We've all seen at least one of our boys let themselves go once they bag the prom queen and put a ring on it, and the National Institute of Health tells us that your slovenly friend is not alone. Once a man or woman is no longer on the prowl, they let their sinewy muscles deteriorate into flab. Stay hungry. Stay single. As you edge towards middle age and your buddies are busy getting divorces and cholesterol tests, you'll be busy fending off the ladies with a stick thanks to your lonely toned abs and sculpted delts.

That tricky three to five month period is when most relationships come to an end. It may seem like "all of your friends have someone," but if that's true right now, just wait a few weeks. In no time, you'll have newly single friends to accompany you to Hooters and the strip club. Odds are that a season of your favorite TV show won't even come and go in the time it takes you to ruin your relationship, so why bother trying to start one in the first place? If you're such a glutton for punishment that you insist on attempting new relationships, mark May 14 on your calendar because if the lady of your dreams is showing someone else love right now, she should be back on the market by then, at the latest.

What better way to celebrate uniting with the love of your life than to spend the equivalent of your entire student loan burden in one day? That's right, one day of flowers, lace, mason jars, and a whole bunch of other bullshit is going to put you in the poor house. The wedding-industrial complex, propagated by websites like theknot.com, will tell you that the average wedding costs nearly $30,000. This is true, but bear in mind that this number is inflated by Kardashian-level weddings with opulent ice sculptures and rare swans. The actual median cost is $20,000. That is still a pretty penny, and no, those costs aren't nearly offset by all of the crap purchased for the newlyweds from the Pottery Barn.

Just when you get out from under the mountain of debt incurred by your wedding, it is time to start paying for your divorce. For those counting along at home, that means that almost half of the country ends up paying $40,000 just to get back to the bachelorhood they so desperately wanted to be rid of on those lonely Valentine's Days. That doesn't even factor in the cost of the subsequent marriages that a third of those who opt to marry will endure. Remaining single is one of the smartest financial decisions you can make this side of insider trading.

It is said that you're supposed to marry the person that you "want to spend the rest of your life with." That's all well and good, but unfortunately, it looks like that will only be two hours a day for the rest of your life. Of the average of two hours daily that couples spend together, an hour is spent watching TV, thirty minutes are spent eating, and twenty-four minutes are spent on chores. That leaves a paltry fifteen minutes a day for quality time. Factor in the unfortunate truth that much of that TV watching is going to involve some bullshit that you didn't want to watch anyway, and these numbers look all the more depressing. At least those in dysfunctional relationships can take solace in the fact that they only have to endure an average of fifteen minutes of nagging per day.

You've probably heard it said that half of marriages end in divorce. That isn't quite right; that statistic is based on flawed math. The actual divorce rate is something closer to forty percent. Sixty percent of those divorces occur within the first ten years of marriage, so newlyweds are the most likely to split. The odds are are long of making it to "til death do us part." If your marriage has a good chance of crashing and burning anyway, why not just avoid it all together instead of spending years just to get back to where you started, which is alone and unloved? This will give you plenty more time work on your hobbies, like playing Grand Theft Auto and masturbating. After all, self-love and the love of video games are the two greatest loves of all.