The divide between the public and private self is a vast ocean. Public self is flossy down to the tiniest detail; private self is stunting in pizza-grease-stained sweatpants. Home alone in your apartment, all fucks given go out the window. Using your toes to pick things up off the floor is entirely reasonable. Cooking dinner naked seems like a strong choice. The things that go down when you're out of the prying eyes of the public are the unholiest of unholiness. The good news? Everyone else is just as weird as you are. Here are 30 things we've all done more times than we'll ever admit to.

Peeing in the shower.
 


Sucking your blood from a cut.
 


Googling yourself.


Giving yourself a dutch oven.
 


Viewing your Facebook profile from your ex's perspective.

 

Keeping a booger wall.


Shaking your hair to see if dandruff comes out.


Accidentally deep throating your toothbrush (and choking).


Measuring your dick.


Tell your friend you contributed to their kickstarter/passed their resume along when you really didn't.


Showing up where your ex is after seeing them check in somewhere.

 


Eating food off the floor far after the 5-second rule has passed.



Masturbating to fetish porn.


Saying you've been tested when you haven't.


Wiping your nose on anything available.


Clearing your browsing history before someone borrows your phone/laptop.



Using the good condoms for your main girl, and the cheap ones for your side piece.
 

 

Saying you deleted the naked pictures she sent when you didn't.
 


Using the pull-out-and-pray method.
 


Narrating your thoughts while driving.

 


Wiping your ass and looking at it.
 


Farting in an elevator.
 


Jerking off to your friend's girlfriend.
 


Not washing your hands after using the bathroom.
 


Subtweeting.


Thinking about a relative in a sexual way.
 


Taking naked selfies just because.
 


Crying loudly by yourself.
 


Attempting to teach yourself how to twerk.

 

Practicing important conversations in the mirror.