As the land that bred shows like Entourage, there is some truth in fiction about Los Angeles.
Douchebag dudes are flossing large with their giant gas-guzzling SUVs, overpriced jeans worn to meetings with flip-flops, and yoga-toned bodies that are the result of some stupid, trendy diets like Paleo. Faux bohippie babes pop Valium before hitting up their meditation class and everyone is smiling through gritted teeth while they snark behind the backs of their frenemies.
Yeah, people may look super chill in Los Angeles, but when you boil it down, they're mostly a bunch of lazy stoners that waste all of their money on organic food, trips to Disneyland, and psychic readings.
For all the haters, these are things that people have actually said to the author (who admittedly might have said some all of these things herself).
"I love New York, but I could NEVER live there. People are so harsh." -Someone hiking, doing yoga, or something especially "SoCal," generally with a tiny dog and coffee in hand.
“Can you get me weed?”-That douchebag friend who thinks it’s still the ‘90s and is too much of a pussy to fake insomnia or anxiety to get a medical card. C’mon. It’s practically legal, bruh.
“Echo Park and Silverlake are totally gentrified. You should move to Highland Park.” –Generally the same yupster who is participating in the aforementioned gentrification.
"You take public transportation? Are you, like, the only white person?" –A liberal who drives a Prius. Also, a racist.
"73 degrees in December? Ugh, It's so hot. I wish I lived in a place with real weather." –Some girl wearing UGGs and a scarf because this morning it was “freezing.”
"People in Los Angeles just don't know how to drive in the rain." –Everyone, ever. And for the most part, it’s true.
“I don’t go west of Vermont.”-Generally, “Eastsiders” who live in Silverlake or Los Feliz and only go to the same three coffee shops, restaurants, and bars.
“I live on the Eastside.” –Those same Silverlake or Los Feliz hipsters who are geographically-challenged and/or won’t admit that places Boyle Heights, Lincoln Heights, and El Sereno are actually the Eastside of Los Angeles.
“Let’s just go to Yogurtland for dinner.”-Because in Los Angeles, it is totally acceptable to eat mochi and Captain Crunch-covered froyo as one of your three staple meals.
“Do you have almond milk?”-Seriously everyone who walked into this coffee shop this afternoon.
"Don't worry, I'm not even THAT drunk. I only had like three drinks." -Person who drives home drunk and passes out, forgetting where they parked their car.
“Walk there? Are you kidding? It’s like half a mile away.” –That same person above who drove home drunk and opted to almost kill someone because they refused to walk ten minutes.
"Sorry, I can't hang. I was so busy today and I'm going to bed early."-Your freelance musician/screenwriter/artist/comedian friend who literally does nothing but drink smoothies and work-out all day after sitting in a coffee shop for two hours pretending to write screenplays.
“I’ve written a couple of screenplays.” –Every dude in Los Angeles on OKCupid.
“I don’t do valet.”-Your cheapo jerkface friend that would rather drive around Hollywood for 45 minutes looking for a parking spot than shell out money—even if you offer cash.
“Don’t worry. I have good parking karma.” –That same friend when you start bitching that you seriously need to pee and this is taking too long.
“Raiders Nation!”-The Raiders haven’t been the football team for Los Angeles for like almost two decades. Get over it already.
“Oh, yeah! I know you. We totally met at Coachella.”-You’ve never met this person, ever.
"Get out of my way, biker!" –Some native Angeleno asshole in a Range Rover that doesn’t remotely respect human life.
"My house is completely decorated in Mid-century modern. I don’t do Ikea."- Every Angeleno who is trying to be “unique.”
"Umm, the Valley? Are you kidding me? I am not driving to the Valley. I don’t go over the hill."-Someone who lives like 20 minutes away over the "Hill.”
“Can you get me on the list?”- Your cheap friend that won’t pay $5 to go to your show. You put them on the list anyway despite the fact that they probably won’t even show up.
“Did you see the sunset last night?” –Yes. Yes, I did. Everyone Instagrammed it five times and from different angles.
“I’m not religious. I’m spiritual.”- Someone who does yoga every once in awhile, considers themselves “Buddhist” despite never practicing, and goes to Agape to “network.”
“Sorry I’m late. I was trying to find parking.”-This is Los Angeles. Factor that shit in, dude.
“Let’s watch the Lakeshow.”-Stupidiest term for a Lakers game ever.
“I do improv.”- Usually some muffy-haired, nerdy East Coast transplant who thinks their UCB fame will get them a sitcom gig.
“There’s no culture in Los Angeles.” –A New Yorker who just needs to stop complaining or leave.
“I’m on a cleanse so I’m not going to order anything.”-Your friend who ends up eating half of your pizza at Mozza anyway and then doesn’t pay.
"Can you make that gluten-free and vegan?"- Cali girl ordering a pizza. How did everyone in Los Angeles suddenly become allergic to gluten?
“My therapist told me...”-Excuse yourself to the bathroom any time a sentence starts with that phrase. Another mind-numbing derivative is “My yoga teacher told me.”
"For a second I thought we dated, but then I realized it was actually Ryan Gosling." –Some chick who fantasizes so much about Ryan Gosling that when she sees him at Intelligentsia, she thinks it’s actually someone she dated. Insert any other hot actor here.
“We should totally start a band.”-Every deluded young person in Los Angeles.
“I don’t listen to the radio. I only listen to KCRW.”- Elitist yupster people who use their listening to public radio as a sign of “coolness.”
“I only drink Intelligentsia.”-The coffee version of listening to KCRW.
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