Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 4

Image via Complex Original

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 15% 
Last week's rank: No. 2

Renee close-talks Juan Pablo every time they’re alone, but she’s yet to actually kiss the guy. She seriously misses the layup. Every. Single. Time.

Well, Renee is back at it again, but this time there’s a twist. Just when you think they’re going to lock lips, Renee floats a moral hypothetical about how their kids might feel if they make out on camera. It’s verrry bizarre and—for the first time this season—Juan Pablo is perceptibly turned off. In fact, the guys roaring libido goes so ice cold that he actually makes a vow not to kiss any girls for the remainder of the night. Renee does this kind of thing so often that you’d swear it’s on purpose.

And, this time, Lauren S. catches some shrapnel.

From: Detroit, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: N/A

After a fair amount of goating from fellow contestants, Lauren S. decides that she’s going to kiss Juan Pablo for the first time. But, unbeknownst to Lauren S., Renee is currently doing to JP’s sex drive what a half-gallon of bleach does for one’s digestive system.

Lauren S. finally sees Juan Pablo, goes to lay one on him, and promptly gets rejected. Yes, the guy who made out with five different women in last week’s episode is taking an ethical stand. And, as a result, Lauren S. is reduced to a champagne buzzed martyr.  

Juan Pablo tries to apologize as Lauren S. sobs inconsolably. She pats JP’s shoulder twice and says, “No, it’s okay,” which is something women do when they’re equal parts resentful and wholeheartedly embarrassed by a particular situation. I’m very familiar with that move, as many of the ex-girlfriend’s who cringe at my memory will attest.

Predictably, Lauren S. does not get a rose.

From: Shelby Township, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 40%
Last week's rank: No. 5

Between Nikki’s insufferable bellyaching, Juan Pablo’s effeminate yoga pants, and Kat’s rampant narcissism, Cassandra gets zero shine during the group date with 2NE1. She’s by far the best dancer, but she’s not unhinged enough to warrant significant camera time. It’s a shame, really.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 2%
Last week's rank: No. 7

Once again, Kelly only appears on camera to throw some passive-aggressive shade and stir up trouble. When a melodramatic Clare squirms while eating octopus, Kelly opines, “Your piece was this big and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.” 

That’s basically the extent of Kelly’s camera time in Episode 4; her most powerful performance yet.

From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 40%
Last week's rank: No. 10

Chelsie has a fairly pedestrian fourth episode, which is a bad sign this late in the game. While these other girls wax poetic about childhood divorces and “feeling vulnerable,” this chick maintains a jovial, but mostly unremarkable presence.

Chelsie, you seem like a lot of fun, but if you don’t accost Nikki’s “fakeness” by dumping a glass of Argentine Malbec over her head, like, soon, you’re going to be on a one-way flight back to Ohio. I’m just looking out, bae.

From: Iowa City, Iowa
Chances of making hometown dates: 50%
Last week's rank: No. 8

Kat highjacks the group date with 2NE1 and turns it into a sad, sparsely attended Zumba class. This chick dances like the last one standing at a bachelorette party, but she has an abundant, borderline dangerous amount of self-confidence. She commands the dance lesson and later the stage, much to the annoyance of everyone around her.

This chick seems desperate, but I’m fairly certain that Juan Pablo thinks Kat and Clare are the same person. As long as she can perpetuate that notion, Kat has a de facto place in the final four.

From: Ottawa, Canada
Chances of making hometown dates: 60%
Last week's rank: No. 6

During their one-on-one date, Juan Pablo asks Sharleen to sing. Despite her professional training and multiple degrees in the subject, Sharleen is intensely nervous about belting out a few notes in front of Juan Pablo. Finally, she musters up the courage, croons for a moment, and is promptly cut-off by an instantly bored JP. In typical fashion, he rewards her efforts with a fervent make out session.

During dinner, Juan Pablo asks Sharleen if she would like children. While most contestants would pander to JP’s question, Sharleen is all like, “Meh. Not right now, bruh.”

Rather miraculously, Sharleen is rewarded for her honesty and gets a rose. JP is really into this woman.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 60%  
Last week's rank: No. 4

Last week, Andi made out with Juan Pablo in a filthy concession stand kitchen and told him she’s catching feelings. It was a wildly mediocre performance from this typically calculated charlatan. But talk about a bounce back performance! Andi finds a quaint stretch of grass near a pine tree grove and plays Juan Pablo with an adorably cheeky sense of humor. She's baaaack.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 90%
Last week's rank: No. 3

Nikki is violently annoying right out of the gate. She complains about not getting the one-on-one date, encores with grumbles about having to dance, and continues by sub-dissing Kat to Juan Pablo with a criticism of her “overtaking personality.”

What happened to you, Nikki? You used to be cool.

Prior to the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo says something offhand about the contestants being “good people” and Nikki gets intensely paranoid for no apparent reason. She thinks JP is hinting towards a fissure between girls in the house and that Clare is somehow to blame.

Nikki, Juan Pablo doesn’t know what “bland” means, so rest assured that he's not making a nuanced stab at your character. Chill out. You're acting way out of pocket this week. The other girls can see that you’re slipping.

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 1 

Juan Pablo vows to make his daughter proud by going an evening without kissing any of the contestants. But, literally moments after admitting to “throwing up octopus and swallowing it,” Clare’s able to break JP’s ironclad promise. SMH. This guy is absolutely incredible.

Before the rose ceremony, Clare corners Juan Pablo to deliver her weekly dose of self-serving platitudes. She tries to bait a rose with, “I would never have guessed that, like, just stepping out of my comfort zone is, like, so worth it, you know?”

Just as you are right now, JP displays a look of utter confusion. 

Eventually, Nikki interrupts Clare’s flow, triggering the season’s first legitimate shade duel. Clare and Nikki each receive roses. It’s on.