The city of Philadelphia is currently being terrorized by a creep who desperately wants women to jerk him off with a piece of cheese. Swiss cheese, to be exact.
Authorities are seeking the unidentified man following a series of complaints by women in the city's Mayfair area who claim that the suspect has driven up to them in various parking lots, then requested that they pleasure him specifically using Swiss cheese. The Philadelphia Daily News got their hands on a OKCupid message that the man sent to 20-year-old Gabby Chest where he details the relationship between his lust for dairy products and women:
I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.
Yup, blame it on advertising. People—especially those who feel the need to pull drive-by jerk-offs with cheese—are disgusting.