We looked at so much shit via the movies in 2013. So much excellent shit: a slow crawl on Quaaludes; a late-night subway platform piss; the most brutally real couple's argument in recent history; and, of course, shorts of every color.
Last year will go down as one of the greatest in the last couple decades, ranking up there with 2007. (That was the year of There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, I'm Not There, and so many more it makes your head hurt.)
The hardest part about the new year isn't the broken resolutions, or the realization that your life won't change much—it's the terrible first quarter movie releases, when the studios back ass first into theaters and dump on all of us the crap they knew they couldn't push during awards season. It's bad. Real bad.
But there's hope beyond the wretched months of January and February! Check out our most anticipated movies of 2014 and start your cinema advent calendars.
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Ride Along
That Awkward Moment
Lego
The Monuments Men
About Last Night
RoboCop
The Wind Rises
Non-Stop
Welcome to Yesterday
300: Rise of an Empire
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Need for Speed
Veronica Mars
Divergent
Muppets Most Wanted
Stretch
Noah
Nymphomaniac
Director: Lars von Trier
Stars: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stellan Skarsgård, Shia LaBeouf, Christian Slater, Jamie Bell, Willem Dafoe, Sophie Kennedy Clark, Connie Nielsen, Mia Goth, Stacy Martin, Uma Thurman, Udo Kier, Jean-Marc Barr, Michael Pas
Release date: Part One, March 21; Part Two, April 18
If Nymphomaniac doesn't turn out to be the most insane release of 2014, I will eat my hat (after having masturbated into it.) Because that's the right thing to do, according to the trailer for Lars von Trier's four-hour-long study of sex addiction. They don't make exclamation marks for sentences like that. Or if they do, they're too busy practicing S&M in some seedy Thai bar.
Anyway, Nymphomaniac. It captures the sexual life of a woman (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who likes it every which way but loose, word to Clint Eastwood. Or something. Honestly, it's hard to watch the trailer and not lose your mind for the fear of what von Trier, director of feel-good pictures like Antichrist and Breaking the Waves, will do to you for those four hours. I mean, how can one trailer skip between semen dribbling from someone's lips to a monologue about enjoying sunsets? What is this? This is going to be punishing, beautiful, maybe hilarious, and so, so dirty. Help. —Ross Scarano