THE KID MERO'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

THE KID MERO'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONSPhoto via the New York Observer

The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from fashion to family values, algebra to defensive driving on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Iyanla Vanzant, the Oprah Winfrey Network, or a responsible person making good choices. You've been warned.

HAPPY NEW YEARS MY GUYS I HAD A VERY ENJOYABLE EVENING OF DOING THE MOST AND TURNING UP. GOT VERY TURNT IN THE COMPANY OF MY LOVED ONES. MY LIL BROTHER BOUT TO HAVE HIS FIRST KID AND THEY "REVEALED THE GENDER" OF THE BABY AT THE PARTY WHICH WAS CUTE BECAUSE THAT "MY FIRST KID" HOOPLA IS VERY LOLZ FOR YA BOY BECAUSE I'M A VETERAN OF THIS BABY MAKING PREGGAETON SHIT JUUHEARD. I BEEN PLANTING SEEDS SINCE BEFORE RUSSELL SIMMONS BECAME A CERTIFIED YOGI. SO WATCHING MY LIL BROTHER GO THROUGH IT IS LIKE WHEN YOU FIRST GET TO A JOB AND EVERYBODY IS WILD FRIENDLY AND NIGGAS EVEN BOUGHT YOU CHIPOTLE FOR 2 FRIDAYS IN A ROW.

THEN REALITY SETS IN. FIRST ITS SOMETHING INNOCUOUS LIKE "OH SHIT I HAD A CAN OF DIET COKE WITH LIME IN THE BREAK ROOM FRIDGE NOW THAT SHIT HAS VANISHED" NAHMEAN? THEN IT SPIRALS OUTTA CONTROL AND ENDS WITH "YOUR BOSS PUT GHB IN YOUR CORONA AT THE XMAS PARTY AND NOW THERES PICTURES OF YOU WITH 3 MYSTERY DICKS ON YOUR FACIAL AND THE SHIT WENT VIRAL." NOW YOU GOT 15 MINUTES OF FAME AS "DICK FACIAL GUY" AND YOU EVEN GET A SPOT ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS" OR A VH1 SHOW. BUT AT WHAT COST MY GUY? IS HAVING COCKS ON YOUR FACIAL REALLY WORTH IT?

WOW I JUST GOT WAY OFF TOPIC. WHAT I WAS TRYNA SAY IS HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S IN FOR AND MUTHAFUCKAS KEEP LYING TO HIM SAYING HOW LOVELY LIFE IS WITH CHILDREN. I'M TRYNA SCHOOL HIM LIKE "YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR DICK SUCKED AGAIN WITHOUT A PLAN. YOU GONNA HAVE TO PLAN YOUR DICKSUCKINGS FROM THE MOMENT THAT CREATURE EXITS YOUR WIFE'S BIRTH CANALINGTON. SPONTANEOUS TOP WILL BE A THING OF THE PAST, AS WILL BE SLEEP, EATING WHILE SITTING DOWN, AND TAKING A SHIT THAT IS NOT EXTREMELY HASTY AND STRESSFUL."

MERO WHAT THE FUCK THIS GOT TO DO WITH NEW YEARS MY GUY?

WELL, NEW YEAR IS ABOUT CHANGING AND MAKING RESOLUTIONS, BUT AS WITH THE MUTHAFUCKAS LYING TO TITO ABOUT PARENTHOOD WHILST I GAVE HIM THE REAL, I'M GIVING YALL THE RAW UNCUT OF WHAT YOU REALLY FINNER DO WITH YOUR RESOLUVEMENTS.

RESOLUTION: "NEW YEAR NEW ME PAPI IMA GO TO THE GYM FOR I COULD LOSE LIKE AT LEASE TWENNY POUNZ BECAUSE LIKE YO, I GOTTA GET MA SHIT TIGHT FOR THE SUMMER WE GONNA BE AT LA MARINA HEAVY PA!!" BASICALLY WHAT YESENIA IS SAYING IS THAT SHE'S GONNA STRUCTURE HER DIET AND EXERCISE IN SUCH A WAY THAT SHE WILL TONE THE MORE PLIABLE PARTS OF HER BODY AND BECOME MORE PLEASING TO THE EYE.

THE REAL: IN REALITY YESENIA IS NOT GONNA ALTER SHIT. SHE'S GONNA GO TO PLANET FITNESS 3 TIMES A WEEK FOR APPROXIMATELY 1 WEEKS. THEN SHE'S GONNA FIND A REASON TO BE LIKE "IM NOT GOING TO THE GYM ANY MORE" SUCH AS LIKE "MAYELIN BABY FATHA GO TO THAT GYM I'M NOT GO TO THAT SHIT NO MORE I CANT STAN HIM YO!" OR MAYBE SHE JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT BECAUSE SHE IS DEDICATING THAT PART OF HER BUDGET TO GOING TO TETTE ON WEEKDAYS THAT END IN "DAY." AS A WAY TO APPEAR AS THOUGH SHE IS STICKING TO HER GUNS SHE WILL GO TO DR WITH HER INCOME TAX CHECK AND PURCHASE A NEW ASS/WAISTLINE COMBO. THEN SHE'LL GO TO THE GYM AND TAKE SELFIES IN THE LOCKERROOM WITHOUT ACTUALLY TOUCHING ANY FITNESS EQUIPMENT. #GYMFLOW THO.

RESOLUTION: "I'M GONNA STOP DOING DRUGS! THAT'S IT DUDE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! BLOW IS RUINING MY LIFE DUDE!! DUDE FUCKIN LIKE, JAMES OD'D LIKE LAST MONTH DUDE THAT'S FUCKIN IT DUDE!! I'M SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON FUCKING SHITTY BLOW I'M BUYING FROM A REALLY SCARY DOMINICAN GUY WHO I'M SCARED TO TELL HIS SHIT SUCKS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ANY ENGLISH WORDS!" 

THE REAL: COOL GREAT JOB SETH. COCAINE IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU. THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU ARE A SOCIALLY AWKWARD WINGDING THAT IS LITERALLY THE REAL VERSION OF STEVE URKEL/STEFAN URQUELLE WHEN YOU AINT OFF THAT WIZ. SO YOU WILL STOP BLOWIN WILD AMOUNTS OF PERICO UP YOUR NASAL UNTIL YOU REALIZE YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY HI TO A FEMALE OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN UNLESS YOU ON YOUR 3RD DUB. YOU WILL ALSO REALIZE HOW INTOLERABLE MANHATTAN AND BROOKLYN AFTER PARTIES ARE UNLESS YOU ARE WILD COKED UP. YOU EVER BEEN TO AN AFTERS NOT ON COKE? THAT SHIT IS LIKE BEING IN A ROOM FULL OF KANYES AND YOU THE RECEPTIONIST AT FENDI LISTENING TO HIM CHATTER ABOUT LEATHER JOGGING PANTS. YOU COULD WRITE DOWN ALL THE COKE DREAMS AND BE THE FUCKIN JAMES PATTERSON OF COKEDREAMS B. SO SETH IM SORRY TO TELL YOU YOUR SEPTUMS RESPITE FROM THAT PERUVIAN YAKKELBERRY WILL BE WILD BRIEF MY GUY. KEEP IT 100. 

RESOLUTION: "I'M LEAVING THIS DEAD END RELATIONSHIP! I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING UNDERAPPRECIATED/CHEATED ON/VERBALLY ABUSED/USED FOR A GYM MEMBERSHIP BY YESENIA. I'M GOING TO PACK MY STUFF AND JUST GO!"

 

THE REAL: VERY BRAVE DECISION GUY/LADY, EXCEPT YOU NOT REALLY FINNA DO THAT SHIT BECAUSE ITS YOUR NAME ON THE LEASE AND HE HAS LIKE 3 PAIRS OF NBA JEANS AND SEVERAL AKADEMIKS HOODIES WHICH MEANS THE ONLY WAY HE LEAVING IS IF HE IS ACTUALLY REMOVED BY POLICE (HE'S COMIN BACK THO BITCH!! DON'T THINK YOU KEEPING MY MUTHAFUCKIN PLAYSTATION!! THAT'S MY SHIT!!) INSTEAD YOU PROLLY COULD WITHHOLD PUSSY MAYBE? BUT ZZZAMN HE SO SEXY WHEN HE SITTIN ON THE COUCH SMOKIN DUST WATCHIN ADVENTURE TIME!! OR MY PAL MAYBE YOU COULD FUCK SOME OTHER BITCH ON THE SIDE BUT YOU AINT FINNER DO THAT THO CUZ IF THEY FIND OUT THEY MIGHT BOUNCE…WAIT AIN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT? NAH IT AIN'T REALLY BRUHBRUH CUZ YOU GONNA BE LISTENING TO "WORST BEHAVIOR" AT A PARTY FUCKIN LITERALLY CRYING INSTEAD OF TURNING UP LIL DUDE. IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF WAKATH F. FLAMERSON "THIS AIN'T WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT"

SO YO I'M NOT SAYING AIM LOW BUT AIM REALISTIC, TRY TO SMOKE ONLY ONE PACK BI WEEKLY AND WORK FROM THERE, DONT EAT MCDONALDS FOR A MONTH B. WATCH. YOU KNOW YOUR CAPABILITIES. KNOWLEDGE OF SELF ETC ETC.

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