It's safe to assume that you've either gone to Atlantic City or partaken in a weekend of debauchery with your boys during summertime in Las Vegas. Now, when you find yourself in a place with a slogan "Always Turned On" or nicknamed "Sin City," chances are you may also find yourself in a strip club. Or a few. When in Rome, right? But what happens if you're just not a strip club guy? Now calm down—we aren't saying you have something against naked ladies. But some guys, believe it or not, just aren't strip club fans.
Why not? Well, for starters, some guys don't like to pay for it. Second, some guys don’t like lap dances. It's not everyone's thing. So, if you just aren’t a lap dance guy and/or don't want to shell out precious liquor money, allow us to guide you on cleverly avoiding being asked to pay for a public dry-humping session.
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Tell Her You're Broke
Strippers want your money (it's, like, their job). When a stripper goes in with the obligatory small talk, stress the fact that you’re broke. Tell her things about the recession. Talk about how company-wide layoffs may affect your position at Burger King. Hell, maybe even ask to borrow a few bucks. Say you’ll mow her lawn, and make sure she understands that was not intended as innuendo. Either way, let it be known that your wallet is as empty as her transparent stripper heels.
Act Sick
With all the rubbing, grinding, and sweating, strip clubs aren't the most hygienic places in the world. So, when she asks if you want a dance, launch into an uncontrollable coughing fit. Make her think that you’re even more disgusting than that germ-covered stripper pole or the creepy guy in the dark corner whose heavy panting is audible from your seat.
Act Crazy
If all else fails, just scare her off. Sit in the corner blinking uncontrollably while muttering lines fromBig Momma's House 3. Ask for a drink menu and then read it upside down, commenting on how good everything looks. Do your best Norman Bates impression. Maybe wear a ski mask. Or a top hat. Or both, simultaneously. Have some fun with it. Get creative. Let your freak flag fly.
Tell Her You're Gay
This one is easy. Once Cinnamon or Destiny or whatever her name is asks if you'd like a dance, you look at her with the most uninterested glare you can muster and say that you're gay. You, plain and simple, play for the other team. The NY Yankees wouldn't ask a Dallas Cowboy to practice with them, would they?
After that, you, free and clear of stripper pestering for the rest of the night, can admire her from afar as she's up on stage dancing to Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood. Now granted, yes, it takes being secure in your sexuality to make such a claim. But it's 2014. Go for it.
