The Awards That Should've Been Given Out at the 2014 Grammys

Image via Complex Original

For a minute there it looked like Hov thought he and the wife were back in the foyer next to his Warhol, and not front and center at the Staples Center with millions watching from home. And who can blame him for going for the grope when Beyoncé looked as amazing as she did (read: always does) during their performance of "Drunk in Love"?

And while the Grammy producers have typically itchy censor-trigger fingers, the bleeping of Bey's "We woke up in the kitchen" has got to take the cake for the "Geez, Guys, Be More Prude Award."

We counted. Cool James did his signature lip lick 79 times. Actually, we didn't, and the saddest part is, that guesstimate is probably way too low. If it seemed like LL disappeared in the back half of the show, it's probably because the tic disorder intervention in his dressing room ran overtime.

Katy took a little bit of Hocus Pocus and American Horror Story: Coven, mixed with some Anjelica Huston swag to pull off a gothic performance for her smash "Dark Horse." (Capped off with the Juice Man emerging from a demonic horse straight out of FOX's Sleepy Hollow.) It was weird, but entertaining nonetheless, especially considering all the country snooze-fests that followed.

You spent the whole night explaining things like "surfboard" and who that Oscar-winner rapping next to Katy Perry is to your parents. So how pleasant was it to have the script flipped and let your elders break you off some knowledge on Chicago, mixed with a song everyone of all ages who had a pulse in 2013 is up on. One of few moments of the night where there was no generational divide. Nice one, guys.

Beyoncé, Katy Perry, and Lorde did their fair share of demonic writhing, but the most winning Flashdance by way of possession moment goes to Taylor, hands down. It was kind of weird, kind of hot, and definitely bad for her back. Mostly we were just glad she stayed seated and didn't try and diddy bop. Because she struggled enough last night.

Get snubbed for every award? This is how you strike back. King Kendrick and Imagine Dragons silenced the doubters with an awesome mash-up that brought the whole house to their feet. More importantly, it gave us at home the shot of energy we needed to make it through the rest of the broadcast while the voting board scratched their heads like, "So, maybe we fucked up." (Although what was up with the red paint? Was that supposed to be blood? Why did I.D. sit covered in it for the rest of the show? WTF?)

Thankfully, she was bathed in darkness every time the camera cut to her boppin' during "Drunk in Love," but that luck ran out during Kendrick and Imagine Dragon's "Radioactive/m.a.a.d City" mash-up. Or maybe it was the best gift bestowed on the audience of the entire night, because LOL, amirite? How crazy is it that the girl who made "Super Bass" blow up has as much in the way of rhythm as Kendrick does Grammy wins? Stick to piano writhing, T Swizzle.

Look, P!nk, America gets it: you're acrobatic. Awesome, mad skills. It was cool the first dozen times, but now you're just using it as crutch, do something new next time. Also, Nate Ruess, a word of advice: shave the pedo-stache before Detectives Benson and Stabler haul you in for questioning, b.

Paul, Ringo, Paul, and Ringo? Cool. Yoko absolutely swagging out peace-love-and-happiness style during "Get Lucky"? Amazing. We have a contender for GIF of the Year so far.

For once, there was zero-faux factor to Taylor's shocked face: Yoko Ono (intentionally?) dragged out the hard R consonant when announcing Rrrrrrrrrandom Access Memories for Album of the Year for so long that T. Swift thought Red scored the night's highest honor. Not so fast, homie.

"Back when I was drinking and using, I used to imagine things that weren’t there. And then I got sober and two robots called me and asked me to make an album.” Enough said.

Aptly-titled album, dude. Oh, and Ryan Lewis apparently has no thoughts on winning his industry's most prestigious awards.

No performance. No awards. Not only was Kanye absent, but the specter of Yeezus was non-existent. Even with 21 gold trophies to his name, it appears he's truly done with the Grammys. Maybe he figured it'd be better to stay away lest he pull a Swiftgate on Macklemore?

Speaking of the Best Rap Album contenders, rap's Young King also had absolutely zero presence last night. What's the point of attending if there ain't no envelopes to open?

Ultimate fan fiction: These two were in the studio together recording "Worst Behavior II."