It's a popular notion that a new year offers the chance at a new you. Remake yourself, each year announces, like a sleazy infomercial host in a flashy suit and fake pearl-bright teeth. But it's really fucking hard to remake yourself, to keep a resolution about finding a better job or removing inches from your waistline.

A question, though: would you rather be tasked with losing weight via some juice cleanse, or would you rather have to police your behavior and watch everything you say because you're a B-list celebrity trying to make it out of the gossip rags and into some Oscar winner?

Would you rather be you, at home, thinking about how your job doesn't let you see your family enough, or would you rather bear the brunt of public opinion about how you dance and potentially appropriate other cultures? Would you rather be you or Miley Cyrus?

Here are some celebrity resolutions for 2014. Have a laugh, because they probably won't be coming true.

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