Someone recently asked me, "Long Island, where is that?" completely in earnest. Like, zero hint of sarcasm at all. This person lived in Queens. Yes, one of Long Island's four counties. 

New Yorkers (myself undoubtedly included) have a bad habit of saying some wildly ignorant things. To clarify, when I say New Yorker, I'm generously including anyone who makes a home here, regardless of if they're fresh outta Minnesota, because, hell, they pay out the ass for rent and suffer through the dank, sweaty swamp we call the subway system along with the rest of us. Let's at least give them that.

Here are some of the most pretentious, completely oblivious, and yes, even douchey things New Yorkers say, like, all the time. Don't point fingers; get down with the self-deprecation and chuckle it up, you humble-bragging, accidentally ironic, unapologetic shit-talking New Yorker. 

"I don't go to Manhattan on the weekend." —Uppity Brooklynite

 



"I don't leave Manhattan on the weekends." —Uppity Manhattanite



"I hate tourists." —Every New Yorker, all the time

 

 

"I've never been to the Bronx...except for that time I went to Yankee stadium." —Person who has never had a quality beef patty or tamale in their life



"I guess we'll have to do brunch next weekend." —Bougie person who doesn't know brunch is the worst time to eat a meal

 

 

"This city ain't what it used to be."—Any old dude who grew up here


 

 

"Ugh, Williamsburg is nothing but yuppies and hipsters these days..." —Person who moved to Williamsburg three months ago and lives in a walk-in closet for $950/month



“I mean…why would anyone go to Jersey?” —Someone born in Iowa


 

 

"I NEED to get out of the city." —Someone who probably never will


 

 

"Only in New York." —Every New Yorker at some point

 

 

"I spend all this money on taxes and they can't even get the fucking trains to run on-time???" —Any New Yorker who has ever been late for work because of the subway (hint: all New Yorkers)

 

 


"I just started this new juice cleanse, it's only $400 a week." —Person who ate too many Shake Shack burgers whose income is subsidized by a trust fund


 

 

"You have to come to my new hot yoga place." —Every yoga fanatic in the city


 


"Have you heard about the new tapas/hookah lounge/Brazilian sex shop in the East Village?" —Person who's blissfully unaware of the prevalence of such spots on St. Marks Place


 


"Oh, we actually just got back from the Hamptons." —Person who wants you to know how much money they have/their friends have


 

 

"I've never been to Queens." —Person who thought the N train ended at 59th st.


 

 

"I don't even want to tell you what I pay for rent." —Someone who is about to tell you what they pay for rent


 


"I miss the old New York." — Someone who wasn't here in the early '90s when crackheads roamed free


 

 

"Come to this party in Bushwick with me! It's a bunch of industrial noise bands playing while this 16-year-old does live video art, and it's at this yoga studio that sells mushrooms." —A person you didn't think existed but actually does

 

 

Calling any neighborhood by its bullshit real estate name. "East Williamsburg," "Bushburg," "BoCoCa," or worst of all, "MiMa." —Person who has been spending too much time with their broker


 

 

Anyone who talks about gentrification like they're not talking about themselves. —A person who needs to be shook, and not gently.


 

 

"Meet me on the line for _______." —A patient person who has unwittingly been suckered into waiting for cronuts/Shake Shack burgers/entrance into a sample sale.

 


"Yeah, I used to go there." —Person who is not-so-subtly insinuating the place you are going is no longer cool 

 



"I only go out Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays. By Wednesday, it's just so bridge and tunnel in the clubs." —Person who is allergic to weekend warriors/doesn't have to be up early for work

 


"The city's just changed sooo much in the two years that I've lived here." —Person who doesn't realize we're all laughing at them




NEW YORKER: "Where are you from?"
TRANSPLANT: "New York."
NEW YORKER: "No, like, where are you from from?"

 

 

"This is the bike lane, asshole." —Enraged cyclist who was just cut off by a pedestrian


 

 

"The light is red, asshole." —Enraged pedestrian who was just cut off by a cyclist


 

 

"Excuse me," as they hit into you/push you aside. —Person who doesn't understand what "excuse me" actually means.

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