The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from pop culture to politics, particle physics to lost weaves on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, ChristianMingle.com, PETA, or the North American Man-Boy Love Association. You've been warned.

YO IF I WAS MAYOR OF NEW YORK I WOULD BE PRETTY HYPE. I WOULD DO A LOT OF OFFICIAL THINGS FOR THE COMMUNITY LIKE UNGENTRIFY BROOKLYN AND SET UP SAFE PUBLIC AREAS FOR PEOPLE TO SLAPBOX AND SMOKE WEED. I ALSO WOULD PROBABLY BE GETTING EVERY FLAVOR PUSSY IMAGINABLE AND THEREFORE WOULD MAKE EVERYONE IN MY PRESENCE HAVE THEIR PHONE IN THE OFF POSITION AT ALL FUCKIN TIMES BECAUSE I'M NOT GETTING AIRED OUT ON A GOSSIP WEBSITE RUN BY A CRAZY LADY WITH 4 CATS AND NO PROSPECTS. MY WIFE WOULD THROW MY FACIAL IN THE BASURINGTON IF SHE FOUND DIGITAL EVIDENCE OF MY MENAGES WITH WOMEN FROM COUNTRIES YOU CAN'T SPELL. OTHER THAN CONSTANT PR WATCH I WOULD ENJOY THAT SHIT B. THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND WAS LIKE...

"FAM YOU ARE A HEARTBREAKINGLY IMPOVERISHED DAD LIVING IN THE BRONX, OF COURSE YOU WOULD BE FUCKIN HYPE TO BE THE MAYOR! YOU WOULD BE HYPE TO BE REGIONAL MANAGER OF TARGET SOMEWHERE IN JERSEY. BLOOMBERG IS A BILLIONAIRE...WITH A B."

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN, BLOOMBERG IS WORTH 30 BILLIONS OF AMERICAN CURRENCY DOLLARS[!!!]…WITH A B. WHAT ELSE COULD HE WANT BUT A COOL JOB WHERE HE CAN TELL PEOPLE NOT TO EAT POTATO CHIPS OR WATCH SCARY MOVIES ALONE? RICH DUDES WANT POWER BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED OF MONEY. BLOOMBERG WAS ARGUABLY THE MOST POWERFUL MAYOR IN NYC HISTORY B, HE WAS THE WORST BABYSITTER YOU EVER HAD, OR THE BEST DEPENDING ON WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ARE PUSSIES. MIKE FLEW AROUND NYC SNATCHING SODAS OUT YOUR HANDS MAKING YOU HAVE TO APPLY FOR A SMALL BUSINESS LOAN TO BUY A PACK OF NEWPORTS. IMAGINE DAVID DINKINS DOING THAT SHIT. GIULIANI MADE IT SO YOU GOTTA GO TO JAIL FOR FARTING ON THE TRAIN BUT EVEN AFTER 9/11 HE COULDN'T DO WHAT MIKE DID, WHICH IS STRONG-ARMING HIMSELF INTO A THIRD TERM! MY DUDE WAS DROPPIN #NEWRULES BEFORE HOV.

SO OBVIOUSLY HE'S DEPRESSED THAT HE'S ON HIS WAY OUT WHICH IS WHY HIS BUCKET OF FUCKS IS EMPTY. HE HAS NOT A SINGLE ONE TO GIVE TO US NEW YORKERS B.

"MERO WHAT YOU MEAN? HOW DOES HE NOT GIVE A FUCK? HE'S THE MAYOR! OF COURSE HE CARES! HE'S THE MAYOR!" AIGHT CALM DOWN BALLBAG...LET ME ASK YOU THIS THOUGH…DO YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR JOB?

EXACTLY.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF MIKE WITH BILLY DEBLASIO HIS HEIR TO THE THRONE (DON'T MAKE HIM GET IN HIS ZONE):

LOOK AT THAT DUDE. THAT'S A VISUAL DEFINITION OF THE WORD "NONPLUSSED". IF YOU JUST LEARNT THAT WORD IT'S THE WAY CARMELO CURRENTLY FEELS ABOUT THE KNICKS. LOOK AT DEBLASIO HYPE AS FUCK CUZ HE'S ABOUT TO BE LIVING IN A MANSION AND GETTIN TOPPY FROM HIS SHEA BUTTER QUEEN IN A LUXURIOUS WELL APPOINTED MASTER BEDROOM. MEANWHILE BLOOMBERG BOUT TO MELANCHOLICALLY SWIM NUDE IN A POOL OF MONEY ON SOME SCROOGE MCDUCK SHIT. TO BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST WITH YOU AMERICA, I WOULD DO THAT SHIT TOO.

"MERO THAT CAN'T BE YOUR ONLY ARGUMENT. BLOOMBERG HASN'T NEGLECTED NYC"

OH WORD? HOW ABOUT WHEN THAT TRAIN FLEW OFF THE TRACKS IN THE BRONX LIKE A MISSILE FULL OF EXPLOSIVE CAUCASOIDS??

BLOOMBERG WAS PLAYING THE BACK NINE IN BERMUDA WITH A TOPLESS BITCH BACK AT HIS VILLA WAITING WITH A PITCHER OF DOMESTIC BEER WITH ICE IN IT (BLOOMBERG PUTS ICE IN HIS BEER, GOOGLE IT). HE WAS LIKE "FUCK THIS SHIT I'M FINISHING MY TRIP SCREW THE LOUSY BRONX. I AIN'T FINNA BE MAYOR AFTER 2 MONTHS SO I'M CHILLIN LET BILL DEAL WITH IT." BLOOMBERG PROBABLY ONLY VISITED THE BRONX 3 OR 4 TIMES DURING HIS TENURE AND IT WAS BY HELICOPTER LIKE HE WAS EVACUATING FROM THE GAZA STRIP OR SOME SHIT.

ALSO I WALKED PAST BLOOMBERG TODAY AND HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE ME PULL MY PANTS UP AND SPIT OUT MY GUM. YOU KNOW WHEN THAT APATHY HIT IT'S A WRAP B, AND BLOOMBAVELLI COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT NEW YORK CITY AS A STAFF RECORD LABEL OR A MUTHAFUCKIN CREW.

#KNOWLEDGE