Hella Bandwidth: The Week in Internet Foolishness

Image via Complex Original

In a surefire sign that there are at least some companies interested in diversity hiring, we saw a playful Twitbeef between Denny's and Hamburger Helper. I howled like hell at the back and forth, though I'm not entirely sure who I side with on this. Denny's restaurants don't always want to sit me, but if I eat Hamburger Helper, I may be stuck on a seat over a small pool of blue water. This is a toss up. Kidding, don't sue me.

I dare you to sing "12 Dicks of Christmas" around your mom on Christmas Day. Make sure you put the slap upside the head on Vine.

In response to the loads of thinkpieces about King Bey, many of which have not bothered to include much thinking at all, Twitter (yes, on the browner side of town) created the hilarious hashtag #beyoncéthinkpieces because you've got to laugh in order to stop yourself from invading the comments section, demanding that several writers do the world some good and break their keyboards into six separate pieces.

In response to Target's hurt feelings about Beyoncé premiering her new album BEYONCÉ exclusively on iTunes, the company announced that it would not be selling physical copies once they become available. That did not sit well with the stans, who have been cursing out Target every hour on the hour on their Twitter account. 

I don't know what the few black faces in TMZ have their white bosses thinking, but TMZ is not the outlet to be running a poll asking whether or not blacks should use "n*gga" or "African American" to identify themselves in response to Suge Knight's recent exercise in verbal diarrhea and idiocy.

Why do people act like public figures held accountable for their remarks is fascism? I'm assuming because they're hallow and they share whatever point of view that was spurred the controversy in question. If you ask a 60-year-old white man from the swamps of Louisiana about his thoughts on gay people, I wouldn't expect him to be a boom of progress on the issue. Still, even if set up, once you open your mouth and offer a point of view, you ought to know there are consequences. And if you believe in what you say so strongly, defend that. But you know, go 'head black woman, defend his right to be a bigot based on some selective interpretation of religious scripture.

P.S. Here's what Phil Robertson thinks of the bBlacks: "I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person." And: "Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."

Happy writing.

This person allegedly posted a photograph of a famous man who looks a lot like J. Cole online and then fuels the story the week he reportedly became engaged to his longtime girlfriend, but suddenly backpeddles, acting as though the rest of the world is heckling her by giving her the attention she clearly sought out. Fall through a trap door.

The Village Voice exploded the Internet after publishing a story centered on R. Kelly's past accusations of sexual abuse of young women. They interviewed the reporter who first broke the story and, in that Q&A, there were new revelations made. Ala, Aaliyah's mom crying on the shoulder of the reporter, saying: "Aaliyah will never be the same after this." Plus, there was a more detailed account of the allegations of sexual abuse—causing many to once again remind people that there are some demons around R. Kelly. Still, some people ask, "What did he do?" Allegedly fuck children, Captain Cracked Cranium.

Many of your cousins like to partake in the game known as trolling which entails being a complete and utter dick to a celebrity they've never met and have no real reason to hate. Most stars will ignore you altogether if not quietly banish you from their social media feeds. Then there are the rare occassions—which, by the way, are becoming less and less rare—in which a big celebrity will read you your rights. Rihanna will curse you out, but when you're someone like Michelle Williams, you can't. Because, after all, you record songs for Jesus. However, there ain't nothing like a Christian woman throwing shade. You come for Michelle's skinny, she'll come for that belly that's spilling over your pants. Then she'll ask people to pray for you. Because, again, she sings for Jesus.

Justine Sacco works in the corporate communications wing of IAC, a.k.a. the parent company of little sites and apps like Vimeo, Tinder, OkCupid, CollegeHumor, and Dictionary.com. To be fair, she does say write in her Twitter bio that she is a "Troublemaker on the side." Well, that's certainly one way of saying I'm a racist idiot with a terrible sense of humor.