10 Ways Your Family Will Embarrass You This Christmas

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"Aren't those pants a little tight, son?" "Do you really need that many pairs of sneakers?" "Sunglasses in winter? There's not even any snow on the ground!"

Just like Christ, the fashion forward city dweller is never fully accepted in his homeland. No matter how dope your kicks actually are, your family is just going to think you look weird. Don't get us wrong: you won't be embarrassed by their gentle mockery of your style game. All you seek is the approval of Instagram. You will be embarrassed for them; it is a shame that they haven't seen the light of menswear blogs and SOHO boutiques.

The height of your shame comes on Christmas morning when you open boxes from Kohl's and Macy's that look quite like the gear you buy in the city, but, they aren't damn it. They just aren't. Sadly, your parents may never learn to put fashion before finances.

Those of you who aren't freelance writers might be edging into that part of adulthood where you can afford real presents. (For my part, I still make shitty crafts, like popsicle birdhouses that my family accepts out of guilt and pity.) For those of you who aren't living your own private, hellish version of Rent, it is time to make a play as a legit Christmas gift contender. You've combed the Williams-Sonoma catalog. You've kept an eye on the Amazon Wish List you made for your parents. You even bothered to ask one parent what the other parents wanted. In short, you have stepped up your gift giving game.

When you open those presents, you'll realize it was all in vain. Parents are still better gift givers than you'll ever be. Somehow, they know exactly what you want or they buy something so off the mark that it is incredible sweet. Regardless, when they open that gift card to the Cheesecake Factory or the same high-tech alarm clock you gave them last year, you will feel as though you've brought shame to your ancestors. You're parents are O.G. gift givers, and cannot be bested. The good news is that you'll be able to pass that same embarrassment on to your children once you start a family of your own.

Parents think they are doing you a favor by being extremely kind to your girlfriend or boyfriend, but they have it twisted. A large part of young adulthood is sharing just how damaged you are thanks to the behavior of your parents. If you head home and all your partner sees are platters of peppermint bark and comfy quilts, they'll start to doubt that tall, dark, and enigmatic aura you've carefully cultivated all these years. They'll realize that either a) your "damage" is self-inflicted or b) doesn't exist at all. They'll head back to your cramped city apartment and tell your friends and acquaintances, and before you know it, they'll be doubting the veracity of your edgy singer-songwriter material and experimental short films.

Luckily, most families show their true colors before the New Year, so you likely have nothing to worry about.

You've taken the road less traveled from your hometown and now live in a distant city. In urban environments, you have it on lock. The best public transit routes, the coolest restaurants, and the skills to spot a great networking contact are filed away in your mind for easy access. The thing is that to make room for these items, you have to forgo others. At some point in your stay in your hometown, you will watch a male family member fix a loose tile, repair a railing, unclog a pipe, or do something else to illustrate their handy skills, and you'll feel the full weight of your uselessness. You'll be reminded of all those times you called your super when something minor went wrong around your apartment, all those times you ordered from Seamless when grilled cheese wasn't going to cut it. The good news is that due to your incompetence, your parents won't put you to work on any but the most menial of tasks, as they would rather just do it themselves, and know that it will be done right.

You've finally developed a legitimate alcohol tolerance. It turns out college was good for something; keg after keg of Natty Light has finally helped you graduate from lightweight status. When you head home, you find out how far you have to go. As it turns out, frat parties are good training for your alcohol tolerance, but there are better methods out there, like working for decades at a dead-end job, serving in the armed forces, and raising children. Don't think you can keep up with your mother and aunt as they pop that second box of wine in one evening. They'll be heading to box number three with a phrase like "Ice it down, Marge, I don't want to get drunk." And you'll have a spinning headache that makes the Christmas lights look like the view from a carnival tilt-a-whirl.

No doubt you aren't where you imagined you would be at this point in your life. This is the human condition. No matter what we've accomplished in our lives, we feel the need to look upward toward a foggy mountaintop that has no peak. Parents don't seem to understand that coming back home is the perfect time for you to wallow in misery and self-doubt. What better spot for crying into your pillow and wistfully cursing missed opportunities than your childhood bedroom? As you drink coffee with your parents in your pajamas, they will likely applaud you for finding work in a tough economy, chasing your dreams without compromise, and working several jobs to make ends meet. It is best to play along; it has been a long time since they've been young, and they no longer understand the importance of making yourself miserable.

From Duck Dynasty to the Middle East peace process, a range of political topics will crop up at the dinner table and in the garage during after-dinner drinking. If you are like most people who have fled to city from the suburbs and small towns of America, as your distance from your hometown has increased, so has your distance from "American Values." Likely, you won't be able to stop a passive-aggressive political argument from erupting this holiday season, but here is a quick list of socio-political topics to avoid if you hope to keep the peace with your more conservative family members (in order of cultural importance):

1. Abortion
2. Duck Dynasty
3. That New Liberal Pope 
4. Miley Cyrus
5. Duck Dynasty
6. The Middle East
7. Gun Control
8. Whether Racism is or is not dead in America
9. Welfare
10. Cracker Barrel's Support of Duck Dynasty

Netflix, HBO, Showtime, AMC, FX: we don't need to tell you how great television is these days; there are blogs on blogs on blogs that have already spoken to this fact. There is so much greatness that can be piped into your home at the push of a button, and what do you see on your parents' television: NCIS, Big Bang Theory, and Duck Dynasty. (Yes, we're trying to work "Duck Dynasty" into this piece as often as possible for SEO.) What's wrong with them? After they come home from a long, numbing day at the office, don't they want to watch a meth dealer descend into villainy and destroy the lives of those around them? Wouldn't their day be just a bit brighter if they checked in with an unflinching look at the inequalities inherent in our prison system through the eyes of female inmates? What could be more exciting than watching an aging ad man contend with meaninglessness of existence? You thought you weren't going to work Christmas Week, but it turns out that you're going to have to be a missionary for premium television, the highest calling of the millennial.

This is more of an extended family thing, as you parents have likely realized by now that they don't understand the nuances of your career path. Aunts, uncles, and cousins are great at giving you advice when they really have no idea what they're talking about. Extended family are wonderful at taking the smallest sliver of knowledge and using it as an excuse to tell you exactly what you should do with your life. Perhaps one of their co-worker's husbands is a pilot or a friend's nephew is out in Hollywood. Ideally, this advice is doled out at the dinner table in front of the rest of your family. This is a great situation because not only are your shortcomings highlighted in front of your entire family, but you won't be able to gently rebut their statements without offending them and potentially causing a scene.

Parents just don't understand. Don't they know that the worst thing they can do is show earnest interest in what we're doing or where we're headed? No Mom, I don't want to talk about the fact that I've spent my early twenties bouncing from bed to bed rather than building a meaningful relationship because I never really got over my college girlfriend. No Dad, I don't want to talk in frank terms about how the rapidly evolving job market has left me with a piece of paper that has no real relationship to the modern economy. No, I don't want to hear your cautionary tales about how making overly ambitious economic decisions before you were truly ready put you on a path to an unfulfilled adult life. Just watch A Christmas Story again and chill out. Damn. Save it for worried phone calls after the New Year. I can let those go to voice mail.