The Oldest Old Jokes in "Last Vegas"

The best thing that can be said about Last Vegas? It could've been worse. A whole lot worse.

Educated suspicions be damned, Viagra in Vegas isn't the mind-numbing debacle those commercials, trailers, and its blatantly Hangover-biting premise suggest. It's derivative, sure, as well as perfunctory and formulaic, but there are a few cheap laughs to be had within its mercifully lean 90-minute duration. They mostly involve Kevin Kline, playing Sam, the film's resident wisecracker and oddball quote machine (a.k.a. the Galifianakis). And, unsurprisingly, Kline's best zingers revolve around how old he and his friends—played by fellow elder Oscar veterans Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Robert De Niro—are, because writer Dan Fogelman's one-note script has the wit of a cheesy stand-up comedian performing at the local VFW hall's Bingo night.

In theory, at least, the plot isn't just an excuse to have respected Hollywood legends cavort around with scantily clad, younger women. Back when these now-70-year-old men were kids living in Brooklyn, they called themselves the "Flatbush Four," and spent their days defending one another against teenaged greaser bullies who dressed an S.E. Hinton novel. In the present day, the Flatbush Four have lost touch. Billy (Douglas), the one who refuses to grow up, lives in Malibu and is engaged to a much younger and absurdly beautiful woman; Archie (Freeman) is in Northern New Jersey, passing the time by playing with his granddaughter, attending church group meetings, and being generally coddled by his son (Michael Ealy); Sam resides in Naples, Florida, with his wife, with whom his romantic flames have cooled down; and Patrick, or "Patty" (De Niro), remains in Brooklyn, where he rarely leaves his apartment and mourns the death of his wife, Sophie, who was the honorary fifth member of the "Flatbush Four." News of Billy's impending nuptials bring the geezers back together for a bachelor party in Las Vegas, where they quickly meet a lounge singer, Diana (Mary Steenburgen), who, like Sophie did initially, catches the eyes of the ever-competing Billy and Patty.

And that's the Last Vegas storyline in a nutshell, probably given more of an explanation than it deserves. Really, director Jon Turteltaub's (National Treasure, The Sorcerer's Apprentice) film is a hollow exercise in look-at-these-old-folks-do-young-things hokum. As in, check out those four geriatric men judging a bikini contest, where the host, LMFAO member Redfoo, strips down to his man-thong and grinds his crotch into Robert De Niro's face. Or, Morgan Freeman thinks those Real Housewives people are "terrible," and Kevin Kline repeatedly gets Curtis Jackson's rap name wrong ("Fitty-Cent Piece").

Discerning moviegoers may get a chuckle or two from Last Vegas, yet be warned: Every harmless laugh is accompanied by twice as many groaners. Those on the fence over whether Last Vegas is worth their cash this weekend need not worry, though—we've got you covered. Just sample The Oldest Old Jokes in Last Vegas. If you laugh at any one of these, you're perfectly suited to see Morgan Freeman drunkenly dance inside a Las Vegas nightclub. All others are advised to re-watch Unforgiven and forget Last Vegas ever happened.

"Sorry, did I just step on your foot, or was that your breast?" - Sam, in the middle of a pool exercise class with other old people

"The hip was last year. It's my knee. I'm thinking of having my balls done next." - Archie, in response to being questioned about his latest surgery

"Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's 32 years old!" - Archie, in response to learning that Billy's fiancé is only 32

"Are you good in bed, Sam?" - Diana
"I don't remember." - Sam

"To the best bachelor party I've ever attended that could be covered by Medicare!" - Diana, toasting with the fellas to Billy's engagement

"The club starts jumping at 11 o'clock. If you like, I can pick you up…or wake you up." - Lonnie (Romany Malco), their hotel liaison, talking about Aria's best nighttime spot

"If you're really feeling adventurous, we now have colored television." - Lonnie, cracking wise

"I can't tell if I'm having another stroke or if it's all these damn lights." - Archie, after sitting down at their bottle-service table inside the Aria nightclub

"Do you guys have drugs?" - the intoxicated maid-of-honor of a bachelorette party in the club
"Does Lipitor count?" - Sam

"Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959!" - Sam, getting the Flatbush Four ready for the massive party that's about to go down in their hotel suite

Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)

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