If You're Eating These Things, Your Sex Life is Suffering

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If pasta with canned tomato sauce is the only date night meal you've learned to cook, it's time to switch it up. According to the book "Eat This, Not That," tomatoes can lead to lower levels of testosterone. Take-out is always an option, brah.

Monks might be the realest dudes out there. They rock skinheads like champs and go years without speaking or sex. Apparently, East Asian monks have been known to use cilantro to maintain lower sex drives to keep their vows. Nutrients in the coriander plant are thought to have libido-lowering effects, but there is no way that tiny little leaf could keep us celibate for years. 

John Harvey Kellogg, the gloriously bearded cereal guru, was anti sex/masturbation/your private parts doing anything fun, so he created Corn Flakes. He thought the bland and sugarless taste would repress people's nasty urges for a post-breakfast bang. There is a serious lack of solid evidence of whether Kellogg was successful, but considering that Corn Flakes are largely consumed by teething babies and toothless eldery folks, he may have gotten his wish. 

Microwave popcorn bags contain something called perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOAs) which is a really long name for a chemical that kills your sex drive, is bad for your prostate, and increases your chances of testicular cancer. Pass on those holiday deals on caramel corn; she'll thank you later.

Researchers at Michigan State University found that harmful industrial waste chemicals can be absorbed into dairy, meat, and fish. Their research also showed a conncection between these harmful chemicals and lowered libidos in women. Point your lady towards this list of safe fish here.

Doctors claim that oatmeal seems like it's good for libido due to its stress-lowering properties, but in actuality, the same chemical that lowers stress also lowers libido. If you planned on eating oatmeal and were also hoping for morning sex, perhaps you should opt for a bowl of cereal instead.

Dark chocolate is known to increase libido due to its high cocoa concentration, but chocolate can also cause sexual dysfunction. Chocolate high in cholesterol and fat is more likely to clog arteries, and scientists say the first arteries to clog up are typically the ones leading to your genitals. No blood, no love. 

Sweet potatoes may increase sex drive due to high levels of vitamin E, but regular potatoes do not work the same way. The maybe-vegetable has a tendency to make people lethargic, which is definitely not good for orgasms all night long. Re-up on the yams and avoid the regular stuff. 

Someone was given a large sum of money to run a study that concluded what most teenagers could tell you: an unhealthy lifestyle (i.e drugs, smoking, and fatty foods like pizza) lead to less sexual activity and more sexual dysfunction. 

It should come as surprise that potato's gluttonous spawn is also not good for your libido. File potato chips under the "unhealthy lifestyle" category and it's easy to figure out why. Sodium reduces blood flow to sex organs and fats make you too tired to do it for hours. Stick with the suggested (read: absurdly impossible) serving size of about 10 chips.

Canned foods are generally awful for your sex drive, but soup's excess sodium and additives make it a culprit to be feared. The 3% real veggies that they promise you tend to come with 97% artificial everything else, which oftens lead to higher blood pressure. A raise in blood pressure leads to less blood flow to the places you need it to be for sex. Which leads to no sex. Sorry in advance.

Your mom warned you about the dreaded sugar crash, and she wasn't wrong. Now, instead of passing out on the swings at recess, you will pass out in bed (maybe swings are still involved? Do you). The high sugar levels in soda raise and then drastically lower your glucose levels, which also lowers testosterone in the body. Aim for a refreshing glass of H2O, instead.

It's a sad day for your stomach when you find out okra is not good for your sex drive. Apparently, the veggie has libido-lowering nutrients, so avoid it before bed, or it will be a sad night your penis. 

Whiskey dick is a real thing. Scientific studies indicate that alcohol increases the chance of delayed ejaculation and general erection issues. So, no, one more shot is not a good idea. 

Think you can skip the post-fast-food-binge deep nap and do the dirty instead? You may have convinced yourself that you want it bad, but science says you won't. All the fat and sugar in fried foods forces your body into a state of fatigue. Mind over matter? 

If gin and tonic is your go-to adult beverage, you might want to reconsider. A recent study showed quinine, the chemical in tonic, correlates with lower sperm counts and testosterone levels. We vote switching to gin and juice.

It's a delicate balance to strike. No self-respecting female will want you with your ranch dressing breath, but popping a mint could slow things to a halt. The menthol in mint lowers libido; combat the issue by chewing on ginger and keep the love alive.

If you dump the white stuff into your coffee indiscriminately, stop, like now. A 2009 study indicated that high blood sugar can lead to erectile dysfunction. Which means you might have a chipper morning, but in the evening, you won't be quite as, err, alert.

Starbucks may not need your undying patronage. According to several studies, too much caffeine in the body can pump stress hormones into your brain, impeding your ability to perform. 

Oils oxidize in the body which cause free radicals to form that can negatively affect female reproductive systems. We know free radicals are damaged cells, but we can't help but imagine Jesse Jackson getting reckless in your girl's internal organs. No one wants that. Tell her to stay away from oily foods; it will be better for both of you.

The maker of graham crackers, Sylvester Graham was a Presbyterian minister who wasn't a fan of carnal pleasure, so he created graham crackers, the blandest snack food possible, to kill immoral urges. Thankfully, the original cracker is nothing like the sugar-laden treats of today. It was originally just unprocessed flour in cracker form, without the sugar and spices Nabisco so graciously added to the modern day variety of the cracker.

Too much lactic acid, the active ingredient in dairy products, can lower your libido. Even if you get past its effects on your sex drive, dairy products also tend to make people gassy and that generally isn't sexy.

Oysters are often touted for their aphrodisiac properties, but they may not live up to the hype. According to Dr. Anna Marie Clement, co-author of 7 Keys to Lifelong Sexual Vitality, oysters "wreak havoc with the hormones that directly impact performance and health." She said havoc. And she's a doctor, so you know it's real. 

One more for that unhealthy lifestyle flow. Smoking can also shrink your penis. It's only by a tiny amount, but every millimeter counts, right? 

It seems like soy's main mission is to ruin your dreams of being a casanova. Not only does the bean contain chemicals that lower testosterone, increase  hair loss and cause erectile dysfunction, but it also promotes male breast growth. But if you're into that kind of thing, go edamame crazy.