Depressing Facts About Sex That Will Make You Want to Be Celibate Forever

Put the cigarette down. Your penis will thank you.

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You sat in your mother's lap, running through your multiplication tables with dreams of Saturday morning cartoons running through your head. You looked up slowly at your mother, eyes wide, reeling with curiosity and asked, "Where do babies come from?" And that was it. It was over. She tries to tell you a story about large birds carrying tiny humans through the sky in blue and pink cloths. She sends you to your father and cries for your lost innocence. He chokes out something about birds and bees and condoms and his crazy ex in college and you leave, head hung, wishing you'd never asked. 

From the moment your parents gave you a terrible sex talk to squiriming through sex ed for years of health class, you've been lied to. Feel free to sue your old middle school for emotional and physical damages because those teachers owe you scrilla. Yes, they covered STDs and AIDS and played that Magic Johnson press conference for you, but no one told you about the sad reality of sex. These  depressing sex facts reveal an ugly truth that will make you never want to do the dirty again. At least, for the next 15 minutes or so. Don't say we didn't warn you.

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Only one in 400 men can give themselves a blow job.

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Only one in 400 men can give themselves a blow job.

Apparently every 400th man is flexible enough to actually get mouth to junk contact. We're pretty confident that the other 399 have tried at least once.

Smoking shrinks your penis.

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Smoking makes your penis smaller when erect.

If not for your lungs, put it out for your penis. It will thank you. Check the upsetting stats here.

One third of all Americans end up at the hospital with a sex injury each year.

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One third of all Americans get a sex-related injury each year.

"Before we examine you, we need to know exactly what happened." "Um, we were just playing Twister." "Naked?" "Yup." "With a blowdryer?" "Yeah." "And a monkey?" "Yes." Avoid this awkward conversation and educate yourself here.

50 Shades of Grey replaced the Bible.

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50 Shades of Grey replaced the Bible.

Even if you haven't been to church since Easter Sunday '86, it will still be painful to learn that the Bible was replaced by an softcore S&M book in a British hotel. The Damson Dene Hotel switched out the Gideon Bibles you typically find in a hotel nightstand with the only acceptable erotic lit you can read in public. Even if Jesus isn't your homeboy, shed a tear for the literature lost 'round the world.

Men are more likely to cry after sex than women.

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Men are more likely to cry after sex than women.

Do not let her play you when you sniffle a little after sex. Post-coital tristesse is a scientifically proven feeling of sadness, regret, or anxiety one feels after sex. PCT is more common in men than women so don't feel bad when you're tryna cuddle.

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Grinding can break your penis.

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Grinding can break your penis.

"Daggering", a dance where guys literally throw their crotches into girls' butts with abandon, has been banned in Jamaica for it's unhealthy affects. Multiple cases of broken or damaged penises were reported as a result of the the dance move. Next time just hit your dougie and call it a night.

Every sexual position besides missionary is illegal in D.C.

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Every sexual position (with the exception of missionary) is illegal in Washington D.C.

Turn on your television and there is a politician putting his penis everywhere it should not be, so it's actually kind of shocking that Capitol Hill has the strictest rules when it comes to sex. The law is probably wildly outdated and largely unenforced, but still, it's pretty funny to think the leader of the Free World could be regulary breaking the law.

44% of women don't enjoy sex with men who aren't at their intellectual level.

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44% of women don't enjoy sex with men who aren't on same level intellectually.

Don't listen to Wale. College girls may not want a thug. Almost half of women only mess with men who are on the same level of intelligence. Your choices: either dumb it down, or sign up for night classes.

70% of women think of someone else during sex.

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70% of women think of someone else during sex.

One reported survey shows almost 3/4 of sexually active women think of someone during sex that's not the person they're currently underneath. She swears you heard wrong but, nah bro, she definitely said Michael and that's not your name.

Drunk sex increases your chances of getting an STD.

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Drunk sex increases your chances of getting an STD.

Alcohol and drugs weaken your immune system, increasing your chances of contracting a disease. Drinking also weakens your ability to make good judgement, increasing the chances that you won't use a condom (something you'd definitely do sober). 

Women on the pill want to have less sex with you.

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Women who are on the pill want to have sex less often.

Birth control is known to make women curvier because many experience weight gain  and even an increase in cup size while on hormonal contraceptives. But don't let that fact fool you; the pill is not your friend. Because the pill releases extra hormones in the blood, during placebo weeks or when she goes off the pill, she may experience a decrease in sex drive due to the lack of extra hormones. Which means less sex for you. We're sorry.

Over half of all sexually active adults will have an STD during their lifetimes.

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Over half of all sexually active adults will have an STD during their lifetimes.

Please, just get tested. It's free and sometimes they have fun pamphlets in the waiting room. Who doesn't want to learn about wet dreams again? In the meantime, read the depressing stats here.

At least half of all sexually active adults will have a genital HPV at some point in their lives.

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At least half of all sexually active adults will have genital HPV at some point in their lives.

But really, just get tested. Free 99. No excuse.

Hong Kong women are allowed to kill cheating husbands - but only with their bare hands.

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Hong Kong women are allowed to kill cheating husbands—but only with their bare hands.

If you wanted to relocate to China, here's all the proof you need that it's really not the move. We don't condone cheating, but still, you can't just have women running around strangling people. Is that justice? Read up on the law here.

Masturbation is the most common cause of penile rupture.

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Violent masturbation is the most common cause of penile rupture.

Violence is never the answer. Especially when directed at your own penis.

Women, on average, orgasm 14 seconds longer than men.

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On average, women orgasm 14 seconds longer than men.

Once upon a time, you chased a girl around a playground because she stuck her grubby little fingers in her ears, wiggled her tongue at you, and chanted "Girls are better than boys." She was clearly right. You win Suzy, you win. 

Overweight men last longer.

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Overweight men last longer.

It turns out, you could have skipped the gym and binge-watched Breaking Bad. Bet you're mad about it.

Bike riding kills your sex drive.

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Cycling kills your sex drive.

Bicycle seat designs are not really conducive to having an extra appendage. Research shows bike seats correlate with erectile dysfunction. Time to start walking to work.

Porn can ruin your sex life.

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Porn can ruin your sex life.

It has a buffet of terrible effects on your sex life: finding your partner less attractive, more willing to watch porn then actually have sex, increase chance of porn addiction.

Condoms exposed to smog are less effective than those that aren't.

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Condoms exposed to smog are less effective than those that aren't.

Shoutout to everyone in Pittsburgh, or anyone who lives in a city. Maybe find a nice boo out in the countryside where the air is pure.

Each year, about 500 Americans die from erotic asphyxiation - cutting off one's air supply to make an orgasm stronger.

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Each year, about 500 Americans die from erotic asphyxiation (cutting off one's air supply to make an orgasm stronger).

Your life or your orgasm. One of the hardest choices you'll ever have to make.

The legal punishment for masturbating in Indonesia is over 2 years in jail.

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The legal punishment for masturbating in Indonesia is over two years in jail.

Choke the chicken or end up behind bars. Life's hardest choices, part two.

75% of men ejaculate within the first 3 minutes of penetration.

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75% of men ejaculate within the first three minutes of penetration.

By the time you hit your motion and she's feeling it, it's all over. At least you made it through the whole song this time. The Weeknd would be proud.

One in five women who live with their boyfriend have more than one sexual partner.

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One in five women who live with their boyfriend have more than one sexual partner.

Working late. Visiting her sister. Taking care of her sick friend. Don't let her lie to you. If you're splitting the rent, she better be sleeping in that bed. And only that bed.

The average man hits his sexual peak between 17 and 18.

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The average man hits his sexual peak between 17 and 18.

When you rocked hand-me-down FUBU tees and jeans with silver chains to match your DC skater shoes, you could've been killling it. Little did you know, you were Casanova up in these streets. Unfortunately, you were still mean to girls you liked and shook when anything with boobs moved in your direction. Oh, youth is wasted on the young. 

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