15 Facebook Statuses Everyone Ignores

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Yesterday it was Bitstrips. Today it is What-Would-I-Say and tomorrow it will be something else that we'll quickly learn to hate. Facebook apps come and go: the one constant is that all of them are terribly annoying. The next time you see that your feed filled with the day's equivalent of lame comic strips or nonsense sentences, take a moment to consider the golden rule of social media before you jump on the bandwagon. Would you want to see someone else's Bitsrip? Of course not. Then don't subject anyone to yours.

Songwriters rarely have the lyrical mastery of poets. Their words often only truly resonate when accompanied by the harmonies of the instruments and emotion of their vocals. Though the Bob Dylans of the world are renowned for their lyrical sophistication, something is always lost in translation when the words are stripped from the song and laid bare. The words of the Brad Paisleys, Katy Perrys, and 2Chainzes of the world certainly don't need to be quoted out of context and surrounded by hearts and smiley faces. If you are deeply moved by a song, simply post a link to the Youtube video. If Ms. Perry is showing off some of that trademark cleavage in said video, then post that link without hesitation.

Recommendations are an important aspect of social media. Struggling businesses can gain followers and capital thanks to word of mouth. Spots like Starbucks and Whole Foods, however, already have all the market saturation they're going to get. There is no need to let us know how much you enjoyed your macciato or how many overpriced healthy snacks you stuffed into your disposable shopping bag. If your trip to the Olive Garden was phenomenal, go ahead and thank your waiter in person. Spare us the mini-essay on endless breadsticks.

Very few vacations are actually interesting. If you're hitting up Machu Picchu, by all means, treat us to shots of you getting your Incan antiquity on. If you are spending your vacation buying airbrush tank tops and sipping Coronas at Myrtle Beach, spare us the photos of your feet and your motel swimming pool. Yes, everyone scanning your feed is cursing their parkas wishing they were at the beach as well, but please don't mistake envy for interest.

Complex Tech has long taken a staunch anti-Foodstagram stance. That being said, we acknowledge that there is a community of foodies who use social media largely to view each other's cuisine. No one, however, enjoys reading descriptive brags of how well you performed in the kitchen. At least if we see food, we can imagine how good it tastes. We can compare it to food we've eaten in the past that looked similar and make an educated guess on how your dining experience is going. What can we do with a three lines of shitty prose about just how well your sautéed those mushrooms?Ignore it, that's what.

Remember, if you tell us that you beat level one hundred in Candy Crush, you are also telling us that you have dedicated days of your life to playing a hundred levels of Candy Crush. The odds that anyone will be impressed by your real life achievements are minimal. If you just swam the English Channel or found out you were awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, you have the right to one triumphant Facebook post, but don't be surprised if no one takes the time to offer a digital pat on the back. Your imaginary trials and tribulations are of absolutely no interest to anyone and should never be touted in the public square. Whether you are killing commies in Call of Duty or killing hobos in Grand Theft Auto, save the Facebook updates for when you confess to an actual murder. Now, that would interest people.

It's important to remember that the only people who want to hear about your dreams are those trying to sleep with you. Even if your dream packed once-in-a-lifetime intensity or provided you with a dose of existential clarity, it probably won't translate well when you put it into words. If you tell people about your dreams in person, they at least have the wide-eyed wonder and gesticulations to entertain them and prompt them to speculate whether or not you are losing your grip on your sanity. Posting your dreams online reads like a snippet from a poorly designed SEO clickbait website; any hope you had of capturing the wondrous moments of your dream will surely be lost in translation.

This is going to get next level, so do your best to follow our logic here. No one cares about your favorite sports team except for other fans of that sports team. Fans of that sports team are likely watching the game you're watching. So, pointing out great plays or terrible coaching decisions actually has zero impact on anyone's life other than the slight strain that it puts on your fingers as you peck out your useless tirade. If the nachos and booze push you to the point that you absolutely must comment on the game, limit yourself to two social media outbursts per afternoon. Don't you dare think about livetweeting the game until you sign a freelancer's contract with Bleacher Report. And please, please, please, do everyone a favor and never speak about your fantasy league outside the confines of your league's messageboard.

Social media is a soapbox for personal complaints. Everyone loves a good story about a jerk on the subway or an asshole in line at the post office. When you repost someone else's complaints, however, the Internet will simply ignore it. Even if the point addresses an important issue like sexism or gender inequality, reposting the same well-trod web comic or falsely attributed celebrity rant isn't going to change any opinions. Spare us the words Bill Cosby didn't actually say and give us some words of your own. Even if they are imperfect, at least we haven't seen them dozens of times before.

Not every contest is meant to be a popularity contest; the internet has lost sight of this fact. Whether you believe you have the cutest baby, the best idea for a dream wedding, or the coolest designer napkin holders, asking your friends to vote for you in an online contest defeats the purpose of a contest. If, for example, a company is trying to find the next great polka player, that company would like polka enthusiasts who already visit their polka site to vote. Winning on the strength of your social network and not on the strength of your accordion playing doesn't do anyone any good. Luckily, your friends and family will largely ignore your ballot stuffing request and the best polka player will likely triumph.

They say that nothing is sure in life but death and taxes. Even so, there are a number of other things in life that are safe bets. Christmas will come. It will snow around the same time it snowed last year. Pumpkin spice lattés will return to Starbucks. Despite the fact that there are many things in life that happen at regular intervals, a good percentage of the Facebook community feels the need to remind us when they come back. Every Facebook user has easy access to a weather report elsewhere on the Internet, but that doesn't stop people in your feed from pointing out that it is raining every time drops fall from the sky. Spare us the precipitation observations and save that umbrella emoji for a rainy day. Actually, wait: don't.

Perspective comes at you from all sides these days. As soon as an event as banal as Miley twerking or as major as a natural disaster occurs, think pieces rain from every corner of the Internet. Before you throw your two cents in on Obamacare, make sure you've read an article or two. Before you hold forth on the hottest celebrity relationship, ask yourself if your take matters even a little bit in the scheme of things. Ask yourself if anyone could possibly be interested in your opinion or your social network will begin to tune you out along with the rest of the noise.

Upworthy is not the only source for this type of video. Youtube, Viralnova, and any other of the legion of Internet video hosts can be responsible for them as well. These videos nuke your feed, appearing in every other post the first day they hit the web, and you feel the fallout for weeks afterward. It seems like a simple idea, but it is one that escapes many of our Facebook friends. If you saw the video posted in several other places, the Internet has already seen it. Your reposting it is nothing more than digital shout across the room, "Yeah man, I saw that too!" When you see a viral video, simply trust that the rest of the Internet has already seen it, and doesn't want to see it one more time accompanied by your personal "OMG!"

Complaining is one of the best parts of social media, but complaining only works on Facebook if you are speaking to a common experience. By all means, sound off about greedy landlords, high gas prices, or the state of national politics. But, please spare the Internet complaints about your job. At one point or another, everyone's been at a happy hour filled with people who work in a field that you don't. Whether the convo. starts with "You'll never believe the deductibles this guy itemized!" or "How the Hell does he expect us to fabricate an entire system?" you can't help but get bogged down in the minutiae and jargon of the alien career. It's even worse coming across complaints like this on the Internet, where you have no one to provide you with context. Furthermore, your career is one of the few things in life you choose. The only thing going through the mind of someone scrolling through your post-work online bitch session is, "Why doesn't he just quit?"

Think about it. Have you ever jumped on Facebook with an eye towards getting your e-commerce on? There are already innumerable Etsy and Ebay stores, not to mention thousands of legit. online retailers. So, no, no one wants to hear about your crafts, your Tupperware pyramid scheme, or the sick deal you found on Jordans on Facebook. There are plenty of destinations for business transactions on the Internet. Take the business of attracting our business elsewhere.