Of all of the gifts that the Internet has bestowed upon us, one of the greatest is the endless stream of Disney Princess reimagining. A little Googling can reward you with images of Mickey Mouse Royalty as warriors, hipsters, and even with families. All of this cartoon re-mixing got us thinking: which of these Princesses are wifey material?

Yes, we’ve crunched the numbers, carefully weighed all of the facts and arrived at our totally subjective determination of which Disney Princesses are deserving of “freaking,” marrying, and (much to the pleasure of their corresponding Disney villains) killing. It was difficult to make these decisions, as these princesses are, in many cases, simultaneously very attractive, excellent relationship material, and rather annoying. These are the decisions that have to be made, people, because if we don’t take every possible angle on the Disney Princesses, then the terrorists win. Be our guests as we enter a whole new world with Freak, Marry, Kill: Disney Princess Edition.