The 10 Types of Girls You Shouldn't Sleep With In College

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How you meet: She knocks on your door and asks you nicely to turn down the Ariana Grande

Boinking your neighbor is a bad idea, especially in a dorm environment. Given your age and overall lack of life experience, you'll develop a connection and be totally unable to restrain yourself after a night of drinking. You'll pound on her door at 2 a.m. and try to serenade her with the bridge of a Trey Songz joint. Then, some backup linebacker on the football team is going to open the door wearing nothing but a towel and deliver a deafening open-hand smack to your ear hole. Now, if that's not bad enough, you'll have to share an elevator/laundry room/mailbox wall with said girl and her new hair trigger boyfriend. Proximity is convenient, but it typically ends badly.

Where you meet: The wraparound line at the after hours Taco Bell

Drunk sex is awkward enough when your partner's breath doesn't smell like warm Molson beer and Chipotle. If you meet someone in a Burger King line at 3 a.m., that means they have at least five solid hours worth of boxed wine and Adderall rails fueling their poor life decisions. As a general rule, you don't want to sleep with people you meet after midnight, and that's especially true when they're housing fries by the handful and asking if you're, "gonna finish that Whopper?" 

Where you meet: A SOC 101 lecture

Your college campus has an incredibly high concentration of scholarship athletes, whiskey drunk hot heads, and frat guys who spend their days snorting Creatine powder at the squat rack. In other words: be really fucking careful when creeping on the low. To go to a large university is to surround yourself with thousands of able bodied males looking for an excuse to roundhouse kick the nose off of your face. Before boinking a taken woman, ask yourself, "Is this dorm room romp worth a broken jaw?" If so, go for it and tell Emma Watson that we say "hi".

How you meet: Catching eyes at Tri Delta's black light graffiti party

The Greek system, when combined with pervasive social media use, creates a runaway train of gossip that Denzel Washington couldn't stop with the strength of Spiderman's lats. So if you're going to boof one of your girlfriend's sorority sisters, do so knowing that it will get back to her. In fact, do so knowing that one of your frat brothers will break the news to her over a fish bowl of blue Curaçao and try to comfort her with a backrub. You're not ready for all of that at 20-years-old. 

How you meet: She asks to borrow a pen during a biology lecture, and instantly friend, follows, and tweets you

The key to being Derek Jeter-like with the ladies is keeping a low profile. College is full of jackasses that wholeheartedly exaggerate the number of women they've been with and dummies that let their social media channels advertise their supposedly private sex lives. If you want to play the field, you have to kick it with girls that won't photo tag and check-in your way to monogamy.

How you meet: The dorm laundry room

Hell hath no fury like a roommate scorned. You can't sleep with two girls that share a mini fridge, unless it's at the same damn time. Thems the rules. If Tiffany from Boston finds out that you had sex with her roommate, Emma from Seattle, then those girls are going to knock on your door with a bottle of Smirnoff Raspberry Twist and smash it over your head. It'll be like a Brandy and Monica video; only it ends with Mekhi Phifer bleeding uncontrollably from the cranium. In a dorm, everyone knows where you live, so don't do anything that'll bring trouble to your doorstep.

Where you meet: Accidentally photo bombing her shot while lurking behind her on the quad

This is just a good life rule: don't sleep with anyone who posts more than two selfies per day. We know you kids are going nuts on that Instagram because every time we look at the most popular pics it's a bunch of scantly clad barely legals posing like their dads didn't hug them enough. We'd rather our young'n develop a Grand Theft Auto V dependency than amass an enormous social media following by way of the sexually suggestive selfie. Anyway, a girl that needs that much attention is going to punch you in the heart like a waify, Hollister & Co. adorned Floyd Mayweather Jr. Stay blind to the fuckery and find a nice girl that still rocks a BlackBerry.

How you meet: Manning the tap at a keg party

Invariably, you'll meet a girl that's ditching her junior prom to take a two-story beer bong off of the roof of the Sig house. Just hand her some literature about liver failure and keep it moving. If one of your friends introduces a girl as her "younger sister," you need to think of her as a diphtheria-infected leper. You don't want to be featured on MTV's True Life: I'm in College and Still Schemin' on High School Girls, homie. Not even a little bit.

How you meet: Holding her legs during a 90 second keg stand

Fellas, know your speed. You will meet women (and men) that can casually chase a handful of molly with a shot of whiskey out of an Ugg boot. Unless you go to, like, BYU or something, your school will have more than its fair share of Ke$ha aspirants. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can hang with the Spring Breakers on your campus, but if your NFL-themed bed sheets are any indication, you're not about that life.

Where you meet: Second period study hall your sophomore year

This doesn't apply if you're still with your high school squeeze, but it's definitely true if ya'll had a dramatic, all-falls-down-style breakup at the airport when she left for the University of Arizona. As a high school senior, you think that college is a Corona-fueled orgy. But in reality you'll share a 300 square-foot dorm room with an X-Box Live addict and spend your Saturday nights trying to buy your fake ID back from a stubborn doorman.

When freshman year begins to disappoint, you can't just start double-tapping your ex's Instagram feed and drunk texting her Macklemore lyrics at 2 a.m. As Thanksgiving break approaches, you think you’re destined to relive that post Senior prom coitus, but you're only devaluing yourself. Stand strong because girls can smell pathetic desperation like German Shepherds can snuff out a kilo of cocaine stored between a drug mule's butt cheeks. At best, you’ll stir up something that’s over for a reason. At worst, you’ll end up with a restraining order before your 19th birthday.