Funny "Breaking Bad" Quotes to Ease the Unbearable Tension of the Impending Finale

Laugh through the pain.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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As of this Sunday morning, there are only three more episodes of Breaking Bad left. After tonight, there will be just two. Last week's episode featured one of the most tense 10 minutes of TV in the history of the medium, with the prelude to the final shootout seeming to stretch on for infinity. Because that episode ended during the shootout, we'll be right back in the nastiness—probably—when tonight's episode, entitled "Ozymandias," opens.

Breaking Bad is known for out-of-control second-to-last episodes (see: "Phoenix" and "Half Measures"), so maybe tonight will be the calm before the storm. Could it be? Nah. Not with those neo-Nazis going H.A.M.

As a preventative measure against stress-induced heart attacks and other potentially fatal side effects of unresolved Breaking Bad tension, we humbly offer some of the funniest quote from the show so far. Stay laughing, stay alive.

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"It's like Scarface had sex with Mr. Rogers or something." —Hank Schrader (Season 4, Episode 5)

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"I'm thinking 'Operation Breath Mint' every time you and me are on a stakeout together, alright? Breath could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon." —Hank Schrader (Season 1, Episode 4)

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"I've seen better acting in an epileptic whore house." —Hank Schrader, on Saul's commercials (Season 2, Episode 8)

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"Sitting around, smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute 'plans.'" —Walter White (Season 2, Episode 9)

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"MILFs, what the hell is a MILF?" —Skyler White (Season 1, Episode 2)

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"Does the Pope shit in his hat?" —Hank Schrader, after Walt offers him a beer (Season 1, Episode 3)

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"He was a meth chef. I mean, we're talkin' five stars. Candles and white tablecloth." —Hank Schrader (Season 4, Episode 5)

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"Gatorade me, bitch!" —Jesse Pinkman (Season 3, Episode 10)

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"We make poison for people who don't care. We probably have the most unpicky customers in the world." —Jesse Pinkman (Season 3, Episode 10)

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"I swear to God, I thought I was driving the man to a gem and mineral show." —Walter White (Season 4, Episode 8)

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"Where is the 'I slept with my boss' bullet point? I can't seem to find that." —Walter White (Season 4, Episode 4)

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"What good is it being an outlaw if you have responsibilities?" —Jesse Pinkman (Season 3, Episode 9)

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"Is that your fly-saber?" —Jesse Pinkman (Season 3, Episode 10)

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"'Oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal?' Please. I'd ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn't fit in the RV." —Jesse Pinkman (Season 1 Episode 2)

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"He was naked, naked in a supermarket? It wasn't Whole Foods, was it?" —Marie Schrader (Season 2, Episode 3)

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"Paying my debt with illicit gambling winnings, I don't know. It feels wrong."—Ted Beneke (Season 4, Episode 11)

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"This kicks like a mule with its balls wrapped in duct tape!" —Tuco Salamanca (Season 1, Episode 6)

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"These shoes make me look like I should be changing bedpans, like I should be squeaking around bringing soup to some disgusting old person—then take the bus home to my 16 cats." —Marie Schrader (Season 1, Episode 3)

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"I loved school when I was your age. Seesaws, story time, chasing girls with sticks." —Saul Goodman (Season 4, Episode 8)

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"That's what the kids call epic fail." —Saul Goodman (Season 4, Episode 7)

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"You think the meth fairy is just gonna bring it to us?" —Jesse Pinkman (Season 1, Episode 7)

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"Everyone sounds like Meryl Streep with a gun to their head." —Mike Ehrmantraut (Season 5, Episode 5)

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"I got two dudes that turned into raspberry slushie then flushed down my toilet. I can't even take a proper dump in there." —Jesse Pinkman (Season 1, Episode 7)

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