It wouldn't be fair to evaluate the performances in Machete as either "good" or "bad." Save for leading man Danny Trejo, who's a spot-on badass throughout, the rogue's gallery of recognizable actors (Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal) playing exaggerated, flesh-and-blood cartoon characters in Robert Rodriguez's tongue-in-cheek, sleazy exploitation throwback are all operating on their most purposefully ridiculous levels.
Take Lohan, for instance. She plays April Booth, the daughter of Machete's enemy who, along with her equally naked (though, reportedly, Lohan's nipples, as seen in the film, aren't actually Lohan's nipples) and buxom mother, makes a DIY skin flick with the Mexican ass-kicker. All Lohan's asked to do is look hot (check), pretend to woozily wake up from a long night of crazy sex (convincing enough), and bust guns while wearing a nun's outfit (agreeably campy). Mission accomplished. —MB