How To Lose At Facebook in 10 Easy Steps

Image via Complex Original

I still remember the day I logged onto Facebook one early morning and saw the penis that belonged to the boyfriend of an old high school classmate. He apparently cheated and she was obviously pissed—to the point that she wanted to put his wayward crotch on full display since it seems to love all the attention it can get. I can understand the anger, but people, you cannot do this. It's not okay, especially when your unwaxed vagina might end up on someone's Instagram feed in retaliation.

Listen up, active Facebook users. I may no longer rue the day that Facebook added status updates, but I do maintain that if you're going to constantly change your status update every hour, on the hour, you need to sign up for Twitter. Stop playing. Make note, though: Don't link your tweets to your Facebook feed. Everyone hates people that do that. For good reason.

I don't particularly care for daily monologues about the state of whatever is bothering you in your big ass head on a given day, but I respect variety and people's choices so if that's your thing, carry on. Facebook gave us the option to unsubscribe from someone's status updates for a reason. Here's a pro-tip all the same: Those squiggly red lines under all of those words in your essay-length update are typos. Fix them. And please, for the love of God, unless you were born in the 1990s dOnT tyP3 lyk3 dIs.

Just this week, 31-year-old Derek Medina made headlines for posting the picture of his wife, whom he allegedly murdered. Yes, you read that right, a man allegedly killed his wife and proceeded to upload the picture on Facebook. I've seen said Facebook picture so I can confirm that yes, there's a dead ass body on that man's Facebook page. I feel awful for that woman and the daughter she left behind. I'm even more frightened that there might be more of this in the future.

Nude pictures should never be seen on a public profile. That includes porn stars, because really, why would you be showing the goods for free? People need to share nude photos of themselves the way the universe intended: Headless shots via text message. Or private message, if you're that thirsty and don't even get to the part in which you exchange numbers.

I don't want to buy shoes from Facebook. I don't want to buy other people shoes from Facebook. I can't think of anyone who wants to buy shoes from a person on Facebook. Stop trying to sell people shoes on Facebook. And if it's spam, change your password so people will stop thinking you're one of the terrible folks who try to sell people shoes on Facebook.

No matter the intention-to judge the parents or to send a warning to others-I'm never comfortable with people posting video clips of young children dancing in a sexual manner. Whenever I see it, I curse myself for not having Stabler and Benson's cell numbers. It's almost as if you're spreading child porn, and while you may or may not believe in hell, you for sure might end up in prison if you don't quit it.

I like kid pictures, especially when the kid is actually cute. That said, some people get a wee bit carried away. He is drooling. He is sleeping. He is eating. He is teething. He is teething again an hour later. Uh oh, teething for three hours nonstop. LOOK! LOOK! A tooth! And then they proceed to record the tooth as it sprouts out from the kids gums. Nah. Quit that this instant.

So the economy remains rather stagnant leaving so many young people without opportunities to even try to mimic Drake, Jay Z, and Kanye West lyrics. I get it and I understand that when all else fails, do something else and then go to party promoting, but for the love of every God ever spoken of, can you stop inviting me to every party non-stop? Raise your hand if you've been invited to parties in cities you've never even thought to visit? Now put that hand down and block that person.

GO AWAY. You're not welcome here.