What Does Your College Major Say About You?

College life is full of options. Pizza or ramen? Red Bull or Adderall? To beer bong or butt chug? But the most lasting judgement you'll make while in school is deciding on a major. That fateful decision will have a profound impact on your college experience, so it should be in lockstep with your personality and post-graduation ambitions. If you're, say, an emotionally unstable shut-in that wants to make overarching judgements about people based on their areas of study, you should major in creative writing. See what we did there? But enough about us, what does your college major say about you?

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You're insufferably contrarian, ride your bike around campus wearing a sport jacket, and live on a diet of responsibly grown coffee and American Spirit cigarettes. Your five-year plan involves becoming an article troll in the New York Times comments section. You have a knack for responding to open-ended questions, an interview technique that will undoubtedly come in handy during your perpetual visits to the job fair.

You like to read, which is more than we can say about 90 percent of campus. But literature is as dead as the Juicy Couture track suit right now, Veronica. Honestly, you'd be better off studying emojis and reactionary GIFs if you want a heightened understanding of nonverbal expression. Words are so 2011.

You're good with dates, but not at going on dates. You feel us?

You understand that life will eventually be an alarm clock triggered drudge through the rat race, so you're getting on that pleated khaki and Microsoft Office express train to the grave now. Most people pick a major that excites them on a personal level, but you're realistic enough to study something that will make you a temp agency all-star.

You're pragmatic enough to pick a major with decent post-graduation job prospects. But you will also use phrases like "accrued expenses,"horizontal equity," and "subsidary" on the regular, which means your virginity contract has been renewed until your first signing bonus clears. Congratulations?

No matter your political affiliation, you have far and away the most annoying Facebook status updates in your entire social network. Your only source of income is a weekly allowance and you have zero life experience, but, somehow, you have an unshakable opinion about everything from Barack Obama's handling of the economy to biofuels. You think of yourself as mercenary of democracy, but you just parrot the opinions of Mother Jones or Fox News. 

You have the ability to act, which, quite frankly, is the best skill you can learn in college. Let's face it, you're not going to make rent with your black box productions of whatever the fuck, but clear diction, the ability to improvise, and a proficiency for reading people is what separates entry level employees from middle managers. Once you kick the acting bug, you'll be well on your way to $65,000 and benefits. Bravo.

You're in desperate need of a reminder that it's not too late. Look, best case scenario, you end up working for Rihanna or a Kardashian and spend a lifetime spinning cocaine overdoses as "exhaustion" or peddling a shitty line of handbags. Does that sound rewarding to you? Because that's best case scenario. You'll probably end up working 80 hours a week at an agency where you're compensated with iTunes gift cards and bottles of Ciroc vodka that they get for free. Have fun with that.

You're a scholarship athlete that carried a D average in high school, so your university's placing you in a program specifically designed to harbor borderline illiterate jocks. Or, you’re a fantasy football commissioner that thinks you can parlay your sad hobby into a living. Either way, LOL at you.

You're really good at boring people at parties with globalization theories and stories about social mobility in Bangladesh. Congratulations.

You're so ambitious, especially considering you're entering a field that boasts a bloated Dr. Phil as its sultan. 

You're majoring in a hobby, like a gamer studying X-Box or an active stay-at-home mom cramming for her Bikram yoga final. Props to you for exploiting one of higher education's biggest loopholes, though.

You're not really into school. Like, you might be into, say, extreme kayaking, but academically you're indifferent, which is why you've chosen the official major of habitual interns everywhere. That said, your GPA is through the roof and you have nothing but free time. Enjoy these four years because they will absolutely be the best of your life.

You're comfortable with being one of those dudes on campus. You know, the one that parades around the quad in an oversized Perry Ellis suit they pulled off of the clearance rack at TJ Maxx.

You're creative, artistic, and you have a YouTube channel with, like, 33 subscribers.

We live in a nation that's crippled by teenagers busting their cranks while skateboarding, and you're going to make the world a better place, one Vicodin perscription at a time.

You're an expert in deciphering the thick foreign accents of professors and you get geeked like a mall girl at the Bieber concert when you see a girl in class. 

You want to mentor America's future or, at the very least, you understand the intrinsic value of having summers off. You close your eyes and see Mr. Feeny, but after having your used Corolla keyed by a slighted dropout, you'll be less enchanted with the teacher life. 

You have absolutely no intention of making good on your student loan debt. What are you going to do? Start a podcast in mom's basement? Look, if you want a TV show, play the lead in a Justin Bieber sex tape and see if you can get a cameo appearance from Tim Tebow or Taylor Swift. Then you'll be the most famous person on earth and have your pick of networks to broadcast your talk show. You're welcome.

You're either incredibly confident, or unbelievably stupid to enter a field that's about as profitable as Blockbuster Video. If you're wildly lucky, you'll get picked up by a national publication that will pay you 25 cents a slide to pen harsh generalizations about people based on their college majors. You better enjoy ramen because it will be a go-to meal long after you've moved out of the dormitory. You also better enjoy having your life threatened on Twitter because it'll be the only sign that your work is having an impact.