10 Absurdly Pathetic Moments From "The Bachelorette" Season Nine

Image via Complex Original

When: Episode 3

The situation: Chris and the guys are chilling in their v-necks, talking about one-on-one dates when Des (the bachelorette, natch) shows up to the mansion armed with Brian's girlfriend. Uh oh. Apparently, Brian told his squeeze that he wanted to "take a break," then immediately hopped on a plane to L.A., and set up shop in The Bachelorette mansion. You know, #boss shit. After some obligatory crying, Des sends Brian and his wing-bat girlfriend on their way. No rose for you, homie. 

The moment: While this whole ordeal is playing out on the patio, the rest of the guys watch from inside the house. During the confrontation, Brian's girlfriend mentions that she's a single mother and feels hurt by the example Brian is setting for her child. For whatever reason, this triggers an emotional response from Brandon, a dude who’s as stable as Amanda Bynes on stilts. 

"I don't want to fall in love and lose it again," Brandon whimpers, "I just don't want anyone to leave me anymore." Dude, you're 26 years old and crying on national TV because someone you don't even know got caught duping his girlfriend for Twitter followers. We understand that you were a latchkey kid, but this is hardly an appropriate reaction.

This is why you're single, pal. Women are looking for the kinds of guys they can start a family with, not grown ass men who can't get through a single KC & JoJo joint without blubbering inconsolably. Brandon concludes the ordeal by telling Des that he's already fallen in love with her and forces an awkward kiss. Guess who doesn't get a rose tonight? GTFOH, Brandon. 

When: Episode 3

The situation: A game of dodgeball pits the guys against each other. During the deciding match in a best-of-three series, Brooks breaks his finger. Typically, these competitions award the winners with an exclusive after party, but both teams are invited to cocktails with Des afterwards, so Brooks' injury is totally in vain. LOL at Brooks.

The moment: After being consoled by Des and treated by a team of medical professionals, Brooks describes his busted digit as "one of the most painful moments of [his] life." This statement is sad on two levels. First, it's an injury that would keep a freshman high school football player out of the game for three plays, maybe. Second, I absolutely believe this pillow soft, vampire-looking motherfucker when he says it's one of the "most painful moments" of his life. He definetely looks like a guy who packs Flintstone Chewables in his overnight bag.

See the picture above? That's a guy with a broken finger, which is all you really need to know about this show. Anyway, Brooks returns to the action looking more busted than Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky III. Des toasts Brooks by saying, "He wanted to make the after party, even after such an injury." So in sum, Brooks was able to make it to drinks roughly eight hours after breaking his finger and Des is totally impressed. What a warrior.

When: Episode 2

The situation: Brandon watches Ben make out with Des from a balcony and cries. There's no way that this guy has fewer than three active restraining orders. He decides that he needs to get some face-to-face time with Des, so he corners her for an uninvited one-on-one session.

The moment: The move for most contestants on The Bachelorette is to guilt a rose from Des by sharing a depressing childhood story. Brandon is an expert in the art of acting beaten. He waxes poetic about his dad leaving, his mom being an addict, and having to raise his siblings. Then, in a seemingly concerted effort to friend zone himself with every woman in the country, he cries for, like, the fourth time on camera and says, "I didn't expect to fall in like this soon."

Brandon, pump the brakes, you can't be falling "in like" with Des because you haven't heard her say a word yet. You've just been whimpering like Dwyane Wade after a charging call and spouting off at the mouth about how much your life sucks. This is the kind of emotional baggage you should save for your inevitable parole hearing, not waste on primetime television. 

When: Episode 7

The situation: During a one-on-one date, Chris comes up with a really cute idea. He asks Des to help him write a message in a bottle so that, eventually, an endangered sea turtle can happen upon this jug of Drake lyrics and choke to death on the love ballad. 

The moment: We're used to Chris' junior high-level poetry skills, but this is the first time he's doing a collaboration WITH Des. Picture Ryan Lochte and Sarah Palin writing a song for Savage Garden. 

Experiences we share together,
keep the memories close to heart.
So that with time,
our love never parts.

No matter the distance or hours away,
know that I am out there thinking of you.

As the waves crash into the shore,
I long for the day that I will be with you forever more.

Some retired Navy vet is going to stumble across this bottle hoping that it's a treasure map and discover literally the worst love poem of all-time. More from this Chris clown later. 

When: Episode 2 

The situation: With Soulja Boy's guidance, the guys are tasked with making a rap video called "Right Reasons." 

The moment: You know when you're at a wedding and "Thrift Shop" comes on? You look around the dance floor and it's an extended family's worth of white people wiggity-wiggity-ing, brushing shoulders, and popping collars on rented tuxedo jackets? That's what this is like, only Soulja Boy is there shaking his damn head. If you can stomach a bunch of former frat guys with L.A. Tan lifetime memberships rapping, check out the clip. 

When: Episode 6

The situation: After a one-on-one date in Barcelona, Drew gets a rose and immediately starts snitching. He tells Des that he and some of the other guys pretended to be asleep and could hear James talking about starring on The Bachelor. Des is offended by James not taking her exploitative freak show seriously, so she gets super pissed.

The moment: Contestants on The Bachelorette are a clingy, desperate collection of jerk-offs that milk stories about hearing mommy and daddy fight as kids and then snitch on one another. Michael is king of the snitches. He's like Edward Snowden with a spray tan, there's no trusting that guy. In this particular instance, he conspires with Drew, Kasey, and Chris to body bag James. James' not being there for the "right reasons" might've been the justification, but in reality these hyenas know James is a dumb meathead and will have a hard time defending himself on the hot seat. However, the snitches—as calculated as they are—don't account for Des' stupidity and, rather miraculously, James is able to get out of trouble. 

When: Episode 6

The situation: Des and a team of professional soccer players take on six bros from the mansion. The guys jump out to an early lead, but James is an absolute liability in goal and promptly gives up 10 consecutive scores. The men—despite having self-proclaimed professional soccer player Juan Pablo on their team—lose in a blood bath.

The moment: James looks like Alex Rodriguez with a glandular problem and has 220 pounds of whey protein shake coursing through his veins. That said, his athletic prowess lies somewhere between Carley Rae Jepsen and Napoleon Dyanmite on the soccer field. 

When: Episode 7

The scenario: Earlier in the season, Chris wrote Des the kind of love poem that eighth-grade boys from the suburbs pen when they're trying to get their first hand job. Des gushed over it, but purely out of obligation. Chris thinks he hit a home run, however, so now he "shares a feeling" (Chris' phrase, not ours) every time he sees her. 

The moment: Chris' flagship moment came over a one-on-one dinner with Des when he recites "Individually Defined," a horrible love poem that's neither about individuality or defining it. Take it away Chris:

The strongest words with so much meaning,

hard to say without a stammer.

But when expressed with true feeling,

sincere, for no other word can mean so much more.

Like the time we spent atop the Hotel 17,

feelings had changed and were oh so real,

meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open,

words expressed by you, feelings that I know are so true.

I look forward to the unknown, 

appreciate the emotion you have shown.

And I'm also hopeful to see if in your heart I am at home.

Expressed in writing and felt through touch,

enjoy this moment and embrace this rush.

The strongest words with so much meaning,

not so hard to believe it's true.

Are hearts are open and in every kiss,

I truly mean that I love you. 

LOLZ at "feelings had changed and were oh so real, meant to be is how I feel." Dude, did you finish high school? Also, someone get this guy a thesaurus because Edgar Allan Blows over here can't go a stanza without using "feelings," "heart," or "meaning." Chris, you're too far gone. Paula Deen thinks you're embarrassing yourself.  

When: Episode 10

The scenario: With only three contestants remaining, Brooks decides that he's not a match for Des and dumps her on camera. Des realizes that she's stuck between pretty boy Drew and a guy who can't go 30 seconds without "sharing a feeling," so she plays every desperate, please-don't-go card in the book. 

The moment: While staring into Brooks' little rat eyes, Des says, "I don't care that you broke my heart, I still love you." We think of Des as above this middle school fuckery because she hands out roses and drives a baby blue Bentley, but in this moment we see that she's just as pitiful as every other d-bag on this show. She stares longingly, tells Brooks she loves him, but—to his credit—Brooks doesn't back down. He knows that his unrequited feelings on the The Bachelorette make him the storyline favorite to star on The Bachelor and he's got his eyes on the prize. 

In one last pathetic move, Des declares, "I was conflicted this whole time because I didn't want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you." Really!? Before the last commercial break you were rolling around with Chris in the sand, and you let the homie Drew pipe it in the fantasy suite to open the episode. You're not that conflicted. Now be an adult and tell this Brooks dude to kick rocks. He's humiliating you on your own show.

When: Episode 7

The situation: Michael is eliminated in the rose ceremony before hometown dates. Pack your bags, bruh. Des isn't hugging up a snitch.

The moment: Michael's parting words to Des include "no girl is going to be able to match up to you," and "I'm sort of glad this is happening now. My mom would have loved you and then it would be my heart breaking and hers." This is a clinic on how not to break-up with someone, especially within the context of The Bachelorette. These guys need to understand the end game. Chiefly, if you're able to come across like a decent human being on the show, you'll have your pick of beautiful restaurant hostesses and auto show models when you get home. All you really need to do is NOT call your mom crying. And yet.

While in the limo, Michael says, "I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected by women I'm falling in love with." Then, he calls his mom sobbing. "Here we go again," his mom says. That's not hyperbole; his mom has actually been through this ordeal with her 31-year-old son so many times that she's sick of him. "I just don't know why this keeps happening to me," Michael concludes.

We know exactly why it keeps happening you, Michael. You're the douchiest contestant on The Bachelorette, which is like being the fattest person in Wisconsin. You're an adult and you should stop telling on other adults, bragging insufferably about being an attorney, and spending most of your waking hours in a gym or tanning booth. In sum, your life's mission is locking down a woman, but, ironically, that kind of toxic effort only fills the air around you with the scent of desperation. Loosen up, we're only trying to help.