Seeking inspiration from one of his biggest idols, The Simpsons’ Mr. Burns, Mayor Bloomberg’s ultimate goal will be to block out the Sun. Despite turning our busiest streets into pedestrian plazas and practically giving bicycles away, the Mayor has been unsuccessful in halting climate change. And, as you know, the Ozone Layer is thinning, and skin cancer rates are rising. 

Just because the Sun is cheap and effective, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. There are plenty of other alternatives to heat and light, like heaters, and electricity. Because of this, banning the Sun from New York is really the only sensible thing to do.

Though, if Mayor Bloomberg succeeds in accomplishing his greatest aim, we might have to reassess our superhero metaphor. Destroying the Sun kind of falls more into supervillain territory. In fact, the last billionaire politician to actually attempt this was Lex Luthor (Bloomberg’s other, less discussed idol.)

Good God, the horrible truth has been staring us in the face all along! Michael Bloomberg is a supervillain. We’ve been duped! It’s Rudy Giuliani all over again. And now it’s too late.

If you’re reading this from outside New York, please, warn others. Let the rest of America know, lest they make this man President. Hide yo wife, hide yo kids. Hide yo soda. 

But for now, just focus on hiding yo sparklers.