In what will be named "The Damn Kids and Their Music" Act, Michael Bloomberg will initiated a plan to outlaw loud rock-n-roll in the five boroughs. Citing concern for the city’s eardrums, and the fact that he can “hear you playing that Nickleback song” from across the room, the Mayor will reduce each New Yorker's decibel count drastically.

Old Man Bloomberg will defended his position, claiming that this will not only protect our ears, but also our hair and skin, as people who listen to the rock music always end up shaving their heads and getting mohawks and nipple piercings and tattoos of Satan and so forth. So, yes, it's a neccesary precaution.

Bloomberg will be careful not to single out just rock music, acknowledging that other sources are also harmful to our hearing. That is why he will also institute a ban on audiobooks with too many exclamation points.