He’s safeguarded our lungs and our hearts, but that still leaves our kneecaps and shins dangerously unprotected. That’s why Mayor Bloomberg will next conquer the scourge of klutzes everywhere—coffee tables and other sharp corners. New Yorkers are busy and on-the-go and we can’t expect to be bothered to look in front of us, let alone in front and slightly below our field of vision.

Because the Mayor is a perfectly reasonable person, and no politician gets very far in his career without compromise, instead of outright banning sharp corners, Bloomberg will create a new tax-funded NYPD task force charged with wrapping all corners and edges in safety foam or temporary Styrofoam sheets. Until then, we'll be expected to stay clear of any rooms containing right angles. The project is expected to be completed in April 2037.