Inappropriate Places to Fight With Your Girlfriend

Image via Complex Original

Riding the subway is almost never fun, and most trips are made all the more uncomfortable by screaming self-righteous religious nuts and hygiene-averse commuters with no sense of personal space. But at least these guys can disappear into the fabric of urban life and we can shut them out with podcasts and solid lung capacity. 

When you and your girlfriend decide that a tiny enclosed tin-can jam-packed with strangers rocketing fifty feet underground is the right time to have a “talk,” you’re making a scene. And you’re forcing all of us to be the background extras.

At first, we’ll try not to stare, but eventually we’ll intentionally stare, our eyes furrowed with blatant disapproval in the hope that any sense of dignity or modesty you have will embarrass you into a temporary armistice. 

Then one of you will say, “Great! Now everyone is staring us! Happy now?!” And then it’s super awkward. Then we’ll go back to trying not to stare, and hope that a Bible-thumping lunatic gets on at the next stop and drowns you out with his doomsaying. Hallelujah, our prayers have been answered!

A wedding day is all about two people. And, surprise surprise—they're not you. They’re the bride and groom, and they’d appreciate if all the attention at the five-figure party they’ll only get to live through once was actually directed their way and not at table nine. Aunt Doris is at table nine, because the other third-tier friend at the table just dumped his date rather than torture everyone with their squabbling, and the seating plan got all screwy. 

Aunt Doris doesn’t need to hear you guys fight. She doesn’t even know you. The happy couple at the table of honor doesn’t need to hear it either. They just agreed to spend the rest of their lives together, the last thing they need is a reminder of just how fickle and precarious true love really is.

Fighting on the beach is like farting in the Vatican. It’s a sacred place and it doesn’t need you stinking up the joint. Numerous scientific studies have shown that even the briefest stroll through the park or along the shore is good for your mind, body and soul. All the troubles of the city and modern life can be temporarily blocked out, and you can find yourself tranquility and a little zen, and you can’t go wrong with zen.

Only a truly sick bastard would ruin that serenity with some bullshit dispute over why you’re still following your ex on Instagram. You probably stepped on some kid’s sand castles while you were doing it too, you sociopaths. You monsters deserve one another. Why not bask in that beautiful sunset and forgive each other already?

Your in-laws already hate you, probably because you’re the type of person that would actually fight with their daughter in front of them. You’re not carving yourself a spot in their hearts or wills by starting an argument before the mashed potatoes even made a full go around the table. 

And for the love of God, do not try to win her father over to your side with some ridiculous notion of guy code solidarity. It’s bros before hos, not bros before my little princess you stole away from me and stick your unworthy penis in every night. You lost that fight the moment her parents found out they didn’t have to make up the futon because you were both sleeping in her old bedroom.

Why didn’t she stay with that nice Tucker kid from down the street? They never had fights. Did you know he’s running his Pop’s lumber yard now? You should give him a call, honey. You know, just to say hi.

You might think you have home court advantage if an argument broke out in your old stomping grounds, but your parents are just happy you finally found someone willing to put up with your crap for a considerable amount of time. So, yes, they’re going to take her side, too. She’s probably the only thing keeping you from spiraling right back down into their basement.

Fighting in front of them is just confirming their worst fears—that you're dumb enough to look a gift horse in the mouth and then accuse it of being a bitch. God, you’re even dumber than they thought. 

Please don’t screw this up, honey, she’s perfect for you. Remember that Tucker girl down the street you used to date? She’s a prostitute now. No, we don’t still have her phone number, you dumbass. Now go in and there and apologize. 

Anywhere there’s alcohol flowing is already a bad start to your romantic tiff. Throwing in a bunch of scantily-clad girls (also drinking) that are probably way too young for you also isn’t much help. You might be making the most solid, logical, argument-winning points since Daniel Webster, but if you do it while your eyes momentarily check out that cute waitress’s ass as she passes by, that’s an automatic forfeit. 

Worse yet, the road goes both ways. Whereas a heated squabble at home might end with your pissed-off girlfriend storming off to the bedroom and slamming the door behind her, a fight in a bar surrounded with predatory guys, stalking the weak and vulnerable like horny panthers, could very well end with her storming off to a totally different bedroom. Revenge sex is a thousand times better than make-up sex, and you’re not going to be invited.

You’re also contending with eardrum-shattering music. Everyone has to scream over each other as it is, shouting at one another is pretty much moot. And you just know the music is going to cut out the second before you yell out the c-word. 

When you’re visiting another country, you’re an ambassador for the rest of us Americans. When you’re fighting with your girlfriend over the cultural merits of nude beaches, you’re not exactly making us look good. If you didn’t know, we already kind of have a reputation for being a little loud and belligerent. 

Being in a country where most of the citizens don’t speak English doesn’t make it okay, either. Sure, it helps that they don’t know just how asinine everything coming out of your mouths really is, but to them you’re just spouting gibberish. You might as well be two dogs barking at one another for no apparent reason. Don’t be surprised if other tourists from other nations start dropping Euros at your feet, mistakenly taking you and your girl for one of those quaint native street performances. 

If she’s handling the travel arrangements, you better learn to swallow your pride like you did that lukewarm blood sausage. Getting left on the side of the road is one thing, getting left on the side of the Autobahn is something else altogether. 

Whether it’s a bank or a Starbucks or Splash Mountain, nobody likes to wait in a line. Especially a long one, where the people directly in front and behind you have been thrown together by fate and it’s up to you whether to ignore them or start up idle chatter to better pass the time.

The last thing we want to deal with is a couple who never learned how to use their indoor voices. If you get stuck behind us, we’ve got to deal with a barrage of TMI and f-bombs while worrying that if a knife or sharp pen gets pulled at some point, we’re not going to know to duck. If you’re stuck in front of us, we’ve got to listen to all your crap while staring at the backs of your heads. Congratulations, you’ve just made an asshole sandwich. 

A good rule of thumb is that if the people around you would actually prefer a screaming baby to your presence, then maybe it’s not the best time to fight. At least a baby will eventually cry itself to sleep; a fighting couple might actually make-up and, God forbid, start cooing and making kissy-faces at each other. Excuse us while we vomit in our mouths.

Perhaps the biggest reason it’s so inappropriate to fight in public is because you’re interfering with other people’s activities. Your shouting diminishes our work, our play, our shopping, and our praying. But it doesn’t get much worse than quarreling in a movie theater, where we’re paying an increasingly ridiculous amount of money solely to watch something in a dark, quiet place to better sink ourselves into the story and world of the film. 

Just because it’s dark and we can’t see you, doesn’t make your fighting any less obnoxious. Any talking at the movies has evolved into a completely justified social faux pas, but the aggressive negativity of an argument is obviously even worse. Paradoxically, couples will justify this taboo because it is personal and therefore important. They’ll actually shush you back and tell you to stay out of their business. Stay out of your business? That giant CGI robot on the screen is our business! You ignorant schmucks—stay out of our giant CGI robots!

It’s hard to say what’s the worst of the worst, though—a couple fighting in person has twice the irritating arrogance. But someone fighting with their girlfriend on their phone would make even Salvador Dali’s brain explode from the sheer surreal audacity of selfishness. It’s a cell, go to the goddamn lobby to yell about needing more “me time.” We’re trying to watch the robots.

Unless you’ve managed to have it out with your sweetheart on the 50-yard line during the Super Bowl, a lover’s spat doesn’t get more public than on Facebook. Not only does everyone see it, but its ones and zeroes are burned into history for all of time. Aliens millions of years from now will decode our language only to discover “i cant believe u, dats my couzin and shes only 15.” They will not be impressed.

Your lame argument is also going to be hampered by technicalities 20th-century fight exhibitionists never had to deal with. Auto-correct will wreak havoc on whatever solid points you think you’re making. Insults will be rendered toothless when they come out as “studio assistant” and “forking beach.” Your friends will take sides and you’ll be forced to reevaluate your position when you see your girlfriend’s last comment had more likes than yours. 

Worst of all, you’ll be polluting our news feeds, our windows to the world. If fighting within the confines of your own home is the ideal place to hash it out with your main squeeze, fighting on Facebook would be the polar opposite, the absolute worst place. Now you’re coming into our homes, literally getting in our faces and forcing us to witness your heated Internet confrontation.

Sure, we could just scroll down and avoid the whole thing. But who doesn’t take a look when they pass by a horrific car accident...and immediately regret it? Besides, the rest of our news feed is just sonogram photos. Usually from the same couples.

We need to make more single friends.