Without the Internet, the world wouldn't be able to document the perils of live local news. Local news stations are, at best, only affiliates of major networks like CNN and Fox News. These are teams of the men and women who won't be appearing on national news to talk about today's filibuster, or whatever story happens to be attracting the country's attention. They seldom have the poise of Matt Lauer, or the insight of Charlie Rose. They're often young, prone to moments of extreme candor, and what's worse, they're covering local news.
What makes local news? Sometimes a big story will break in a small North Dakota town, but more often than not, we're talking about the woman who showed the vacuum man her tits. (Good luck unpacking that.)
Local news is the source of all weather man stereotypes. All of your favorite news dick jokes come from the local news. Which is what makes it more exciting than the actual news. It's a little unfair to think of these moments as failures. Because they succeed at making us laugh so damn well.
Here are 50 hilarious local news fails.
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CBS Channel 6 News Anchor: Man Has More P*ssy Than He Can Handle
Fox 8 News Segment "Kickin' it with Kenny" and the Farting Rhino
KMPH Catches Up With Kai the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker
Always Hallucinating on WGN 9
WJW Fox 8 Cleveland Reenacts a Bear Sighting...Pathetically
Real Talk in Milwaukee
WPMI Discovers a Leprechaun
NBC Newscaster Is as Confused About Tornado Watching as You Are
Struttin' That Ass With WHNT 19
The Tornado That Ate a Hamburger
ABC News Affiliate WJXX Learns How Tony Danza Really Feels About Their Interview
WAFF 48 News Anchor Scrambles for His Mic, Pretends Nothing is Wrong
WATE Channel 6 News Anchor Trips on His Words
Local Smurf News 16
ABC Texoma News Anchor: "I So Pale"
Fox Channel 5 Intern Walks on Set During Airtime
CBS Channel 8 Anchor Gets Really Angry on Camera
Fox Channel 29 Morning News Crew Make Fun of the Kardashian Sisters
Channel 6 News Anchor: "F*ck it."
Canadian News Anchor: Sausage Competition Gone Bad
KGW 8 News Anchor Interviews Woman Who Admits the Local Vacuum Cleaner Man Has Seen Her Tits
NBC Channel 4 Storm Team Makes a Strange Discovery
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
San Diego 6 Anchor Doesn't Know How That Turkey Caller Works
MyFox Atlanta Captures Grape Stomping Gone Wrong
Where: Atlanta
When: January 2006
You'll never un-hear the noises that anchor makes when she bites it.
The Day the Swag Died
Where: Los Angeles
When: June 2012
Nothing to add here.
Shout Out to Huge Anus!
Where: Los Angeles
When: March 2013
"I totally fell for it, didn't I?" Yes, you corny, corny man.
Global Saskatoon Anchor Demonstrates New Technique
Where: North Battleford, Canada
When: February 2013
And that's how you give a blowjob.
NBC 4 Anchors Wheeze With Laughter
Where: New York
When: July 2007
How is it that all of these anchors laugh exactly the same way, like gas escaping from a cellophane cigarette wrapper?
Fox 29 Anchor Is a Creeper
Where: Philadelphia
When: April 2013
Listen at 24 seconds in—is he making a joke, or does that anchor actually laugh like a Scooby-Doo villain?
Local 12 News Does Dance Party Fridays and Sings Elton John for their Viewers
Where: Cincinnati
When: December 2012
Please, don't watch the entire thing (unless you're a real connoisseur of discomfort humor), but stick around long enough to ask yourself, "What the fuck does this guy know about shutter shades?"
Real-Life Brick Tamland on NBC26 Today
Where: Green Bay, Wis.
When: January 2012
He wishes he was as cool as Brick. But no, these are just the two corniest white people in Wisonsin, where the race for that title is running hot.
Student Doesn't Want to Appear on WUFT
Where: Gainesville, Fla.
When: February 2012
That awkward moment when you realize you're making copies during a live news broadcast.
CBS Channel 2 News Anchor: Coming Through Your Window
Where: New York
When: May 2012
Thankfully, no one was hurt by the falling shirtless man.
ABC Channel 7 News Anchor: A Silent Killer
Where: New York
When: May 2012
Fart failure is the leading cause of death among Americans weighing between 300 and 500 pounds.
KDVR Fox 31 Anchor Makes Baby Cry
Where: Denver
When: September 2012
It's not fair that babies can use crying as a comeback to viscious taunting.
WSMV News Anchor Gets the Carp Scared Out of Her
Where: Nashville, Tenn.
When: October 2012
If you listen closely, what at first sounds like a scream is actually her saying "BE ABOUT." She was trying to finish reporting! She's so brave.
WINK News: Focus on the Background
Where: Fort Myers, Fla.
When: Unknown
You know you wanted to see it get hit by a car, too.
WHOR News Anchor: Twin Titties
Where: Ohio
When: Unknown
How dare he disgrace Queen Bey like that.
KUSI News: "What a Flucky Boy"
Where: San Diego
When: June 2008
Why would she say that about a boy who has difficulty seeing?
Around America Channel 9 Anchor Laughs at Description of Murder
Where: El Paso, Texas
When: April 2009
Props for seeing the silver lining in a dead mother of two!
Fox 8 News Anchor Can't Report Breaking News
Houston Anchor: "What the f*ck are we doing here?"
Channel 7 Anchor: "But he's gay!"
Channel 9 NBC News: Get That Ass Cream Vendor
Fox News Anchor Gets Mauled by Cat When Reporting About Animal Abuse
Fox Channel 5 Anchor: "Keep F*cking that Chicken"
Where: New York
When: September 2009
It's all about the reaction of the woman on the far left.
A Rough First Day at North Dakota's KFYR
Where: Bismarck, N.D.
When: April 2013
Nothing like muttering profanity under your breath like a psych patient to turn your first day into your last.
Taking Advantage of the Intern
Where: Los Angeles
When: December 2011
A moment so fraught with sexism and gender politics, you want an especially large copy of Lean In—so that you can clobber the fucker asking for a back rub.
French-Canadian News Anchor Gets a Nosebleed
Where: Montreal
When: June 2013
It's like when you accidentally pop a pimple in Algebra 2 and you know everyone is watching you dab at your face like a crazy person. Just like that, but times 1,000 because it's on live television.