15 Ways Your Parents Embarrass You On Facebook

Image via Complex Original

Parents worry. Whether you are quoting a movie, posting your favorite song lyric, or making an innocent joke, parents will assume the worst. If you reference a monologue about violence, your mother will imagine you rampaging through the streets wreaking havoc. If you make a suggestive comment on a friend's wall, your father will write you off as a hopeless floozy. We know that sarcasm and pop culture references existed when our parents were young, yet it seems that parenthood means taking things your offspring say literally and worrying about it to no end. If you're feeling kind, do your parents a favor and include footnotes with your social media posts and maybe they'll worry a little bit less.

Your parents love you, and that is wonderful, but sometimes you wish that they would find some less intense ways of showing it. While they may think it is cute to "Like" every single one of your photos or to leave comments on your wall like so many middle school lunches, such behavior can seriously cramp your Internet style. How are you going to come across as a mature adult to the ladies if your Facebook wall features the smothering support of your childhood breakfast table?

We're glad that our parents love us unconditionally, we just wish that they would show it conditionally.

Mom and Dad never get used to their baby boy using curse words. When they see you putting foul language out there on the Internet for your peers and future employers to see, they go into a state of shock. We imagine that in the not-too-distant future someone will invent a device that will reach through the Internet and wash your mouth out with soap or grab you by the ear when you post a bad word on a public forum. Until that day comes, parents are going to have to settle with leaving disappointed comments on your wall that totally ruin the badass vibe you were going for by cursing in the first place. There goes that bad boy image you worked so hard to cultivate by wearing your hat backwards and investing in those super dark sunglasses.

No one can make you feel guilty quite like your parents. Not only did they give birth to you, which is a tough debt to repay, but they also clothed you, fed you, and instilled you with whatever morality you have left after all of those collegiate fraternity parties. When they take to Facebook to tell you that your digital behavior is out of line, it is a giant virtual bitch slap. The worst part is that they probably won't do it unless you deserve it, as they would rather spend their time sending their friends stupid joke forward emails than putting you in your place.

It isn't complicated: private communications are for your inbox, public communications are for your wall. This simple distinction seems like something that would be pretty easy to understand for someone who has raised a family or held a job, but it regularly eludes parents. This often results in the sort of communications that you wish your parents would avoid having with you at all being tossed out in public. Just when you thought you had escaped the constant parental embarrassment of your childhood, you open up your laptop to see a graphic description of how to get certain stains out of your bedsheets for the whole world to see ... and over a dozen of your friends have "liked" it.

We know that it is a biology certainty that our parents once had sex, but that doesn't mean that we ever want to think about it. From your parents' flirty comments on each others' walls to dirty sexual jokes to (God Forbid) their "liking" one of your attractive friend's bikini pics, there is never a scenario where we want our parents' sexuality thrown in our faces. The ideal relationship between a parent and a child is a steady truce where both parties are allowed to imagine that the other engages in no sexual activity whatsoever. When you parents violate this unspoken pact, it is a familial act of war.

No matter how cool a parent you may have, they can never pull off using our generation's slang. They should stick to phrases like "groovy dude," "the bee's knees," or whatever they used to say. No one wants to hear their parents talking like a Jersey Shore cast member. It is even worse if they write the offending modern phrase on the Internet because then it becomes very difficult for you to ignore it and pretend that they never said it in the first place.

Facebook is like one giant bar where you can flirt with every attractive woman you've ever met and then anyone you know can attempt to ruin it for you. It would be totally unacceptable for parents to intrude upon a flirtatious conversation that you're having in person, yet somehow many legal guardians feel that it is okay to douse what few sparks might be flying on your Facebook page. We recommend reminding the 'rents that they aren't going to be getting a grandkids any time soon if they keep doing things like that.

Forever and always you will be your father's child, but at a certain point it is not a good look to have parents standing up for you. Whether it is a father beating off potential suitors thirsting for his daughter with a digital stick or a mom jumping into a comment war to explain that her son is actually a good boy despite evidence to the contrary, this is never a good look. At a certain point, children have to start standing up for themselves both in the real world and online, and the last thing they need is defensive comment from dear old dad.

If children want their parents to know something, they tell them. This is another one of those simple concepts that parents refuse to comprehend. Parents are prone to prying into every aspect of your Facebook profile to dig up information on what you are up to, from your relationship status to your photo tags. Unless you have particularly nosy parental units, this is one problem you can actually remedy. When parents tell you that they wish you would call more, they mean it. So, give mom and dad a call, be intentionally vague about pretty much ever facet of your personal life, and they'll be temporarily satisfied. Hopefully, now they will let you post on a lady's wall without "liking" your flirtatious comment.

Everyone presents an idealized version of themselves on the Internet. Though we may be able to fool our rank-and-file Facebook friends into thinking we are smarter, cooler, or tougher than we actually are, there is no fooling mom and dad. If you are fronting a little bit too hard for your folks' liking, don't be surprised if they deflate that ballooning ego by telling your online friends what you're like in real life.

Don't hate them for it: honesty is the best policy. Your parents taught you that, or at least they tried.

To many parents, the Internet is one singular entity that does whatever they want it to. They'll try to use Facebook as a search engine. They'll treat Twitter like a blog, tweeting endlessly about one topic. They'll expect Google to behave like a personal assistant. Technology will forever scare many of your parents, especially those few stubborn dads who still carry around a flip-phone and loudly insist that they, "just need to make calls, damn it!" whenever you suggest they finally use that upgrade on an iPhone. Sure, it would be easy for them to learn what each website actually does, but it is even easier just to ignore the realities of the Internet and do whatever they want.

The subtleties of your personal relationships are often lost on your parents. That old flame who you had that ugly break-up with is likely to show up on their list of friends. They are liable to write on the wall of that guy whose girlfriend you stole asking what he's up to these days. Parents are great at thrusting skeletons from your closet no matter how tightly you thought you locked them in there. As you get older and your parents nest empties more and more, this only gets worse. There is nothing you can do to prevent this, so try to end relationships on good terms if you can. Otherwise, a disgruntled ex may use the power of parental Facebook embarrassment against you.

Your folks grew up in a time where there was far less public sensitivity. When your father had his heart broken, he didn't pen an essay on the topic and drop it online for all to see. Your old man drank a few shots of whiskey and went back to work with quiet, incredibly angry, dignity. Don't be surprised if after a week of post-breakup wallowing, complete with numerous song lyric postings, vague emotional updates, and brooding selfies, one or both of your parents take to your wall to tell you to cut it out. Remember, back in their day, people didn't talk about their feelings, they bottled them up resentfully and let them take control of their lives, you know, the old fashioned way.

Sometimes your parents are just going to burn you. Remember, though they are older and slower, they are usually wiser. Sure, it stings when a friend busts on you, landing a joke at your expense when you least expect it. It is a thousand times worse when you get mocked by one of the people who conceived you. Just when you thought your parents were hopelessly out of touch and overwhelmed by the times, they show they've still got some savvy the way know best: making fun of their child.

Now, can you get over there and help them figure out how to turn on the Internet?

Oh, sorry, the router wasn't plugged in.