The 25 Worst Ways to Hit on Women on Social Media

Image via Complex Original

Just as predictably as the spring flowers come into full bloom, many women on Facebook take the first opportunity to display their hard-earned fit bodies by posting an album labelled "Fun at the Beach" or something similar. They are well aware that they look good, so your "liking" the obligatory bikini pic is not the way to her heart. Simply appreciate the photo from a distance and move on. All that "liking" the photo is going to get you is a look of pity from other women who see your spring thirst as a big turnoff.

Unless you wrote the song, don't try to use lyrics as a way in. No matter how profoundly you may have been affected by a song while getting baked in your bedroom, odds are that it will lose its power when pasted out of context on a Facebook wall. Even if that new R. Kelly track is the perfect expression of your love, maybe you should just the play the song for her the next time you see her instead of putting your feelings on display for all to mock.

No, we haven't gotten any career traction out of LinkedIn either—[Note: if you see any postings seeking experienced snarky list writers, let me know]—but we know that it isn't the right venue to seek that romantic spark. There is no quicker way out of a woman's heart than disrespecting her career ambitions. Using a professional platform to seek personal pleasure shows that you don't take her or yourself very seriously. If the working woman you're after is in the business or marketing fields that are most commonly linked to LinkedIn, they likely already take enough sexual harassment from their co-workers and clients. They don't need it from you.

Women know that men rarely notice haircuts, so don't play.  As a gender accustomed to paying $10 for a dude to take as much hair off of your head as possible, how can we possibly appreciate a lady's fresh cut? No need to like, comment, fave, or retweet pictures of her new do: It will get you nowhere. Ladies know that you wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't told you about it.

We have seen some valiant efforts, but a dude with an unironic Pinterest board is not a good look (we see you, menswear bloggers). If you truly have an interest in crafts or baking, we can respect it. If you are trying to pin down your D.I.Y. dreamgirl with your Pinterest account, then we hate both the player and the game. Leave the pinning to the pros and stick to sharing filtered pics of empty beer bottles on Instagram.

Ahh faving, the social media interaction that nobody sees. We aren't sure what exactly favoriting is meant to accomplish. Are you bookmarking it to reference it later? Are you telling a friend that you like what they had to say, but just not enough to let other people know you liked what they had to say? Favoriting is strange no matter how you look at it, and the waters will only be muddied if you try to introduce flirtation into the equation.

Making a digital playlist is just as corny as making mixtapes was back in the day, but is even less respectable because it requires so little work. At least you could make mix tapes or CDs in private, so when the lady reacted with a half-smile and a dishonest,"Thanks, I love Dashboard Confessional," the shame was kept between you, her, and the friends to whom she would mercilessly mock you. The Spotify team seems hell-bent on sharing every minor musical move you make on the Internet, no matter matter how guilty the pleasure. This means that even casual acquaintances will see your "Beatz for Amber" playlist and have incontrovertible evidence of how lame you really are.

In our experience, if you want an apathetic friend to swear off government forever, just show them an online policy debate. There is never anything to gain from jumping into one of these threads, and you are a fool if you think a girl will start lusting for you because you have similar feelings on immigration reform. If you are going to try to be some kind of political white knight in an online debate, at least read a New York Times article (careful of that paywall limit) before you jump into the fray or you'll be outed as the poser you are.

Wishing a woman "Happy Birthday" on Facebook isn't a bad thing, just don't expect her to notice. Can you blame her? It seems that there is a group of men who lay in wait for their female friends' birthdays in hopes of being the first to leave a comment on their wall. It's as though they expect that one of them to scroll through the 125 well wishes and say to herself, "Steve. Wow. Steve wished me a Happy Birthday. I wonder what he's up to." Allow us to kill your fantasies: If she cared what you were up to, she would have written on your wall for your birthday.

No one likes Instagram food pics. Even people who take them are usually loathe to look at the food porn of others. You liking a faux-sun-faded sushi pic is a great way to let the world know that you pine for the woman snapping the cuisine. What did you expect her to think, "Wow. Brian likes overpriced brunches and Asian fusion spots as well. Perhaps I should favor him with a blow job?" Man up and ask her out to a restaurant so you can admire her across the table while she composes pictures of her after-lunch latté.

If you are the type prone to cougar hunting, just know that the way to snare her is not by contacting her cubs. It is incredibly cute when little children have a Facebook page, but the only thing you are going to get out of pasting Yo Gabba Gabba gifs on a little tyke's wall is an invitation to babysit (or a visit from Chris Hansen). If you're looking to pick up a little side cash while watching a Dora the Explorer marathon, be our guest—just don't think that you're going to be exploring Mom later on.

Geeking out has become more acceptable in recent years, especially about television. After porn, the biggest use of Internet time these days is gushing about TV shows. Just because you and the lady share a mutual love of Sookie Stackhouse, don't think that you'll automatically become her Bill Compton. Definitely don't try to get in on her fangirl time by pretending you keep up with her favorite show when you don't. She might test you, and when you can't tell Alcide from Godric, she won't take too kindly to your posing. Leave the lady's pop-culture tastes alone. [Note: You're likely mocking me right now for my relatively deep knowledge of True Blood. Let this be a cautionary tale. I started watching the show because of a woman. The woman is gone, but the True Blood knowledge remains. Don't be like me.]

Do not encourage parents on Facebook. Parents are best left as the Internet pariahs that they are. Let them post motivational pictures and right-wing political commentary in peace. The last thing the object of your affections wants to do is deal with their parents on social media, and if you interact with Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, you will be forever associated with your dream girl's parental embarrassment.

Related: 25 Parents Who Should Stop Using Facebook

Digging through two-year-old Halloween photos and commenting on Christmas party pics from her first internship will not win her heart. It will be obvious that you spent the evening alone with a tumbler of whiskey pouring through her old photos instead of reading a book or getting a life. If the photo is more than a month old, you would have to have gone out of your way to find it, or it was the result of a night of aimless Facebook stalking. Neither one is a good look.

Poking remains the creepiest and most worthless feature on social media. The poke has somehow survived the endless overhauls of Facebook to plague us to this day. Poking a woman in real life might actually be less weird than using this most ridiculous Facebook function. We aren't sure what crazy notions would have to wash over you to convince you that poking her is a good idea, but trust us, it isn't. But, yes, if she pokes you, poke back; it'll be cute.

Humor is a difficult weapon to deploy in the war of love. Even if what you have to say is fresh and funny, there is no guarantee that it will translate into romantic feelings. Now what do you think your chances will be if you use recycled observations from elsewhere on the Internet?

Some Ecards, memes, and the rest of the Internet humor factory won't likely impress a lady. You may think that the sentiment expressed alongside the ironic antique image perfectly describes your situation, but remember that is exactly how Internet humor is supposed to make you feel. These web jokes are created to feel as broadly relatable as possible to maximize page views; odds are the girl you're pining for has already seen it and thought it wasn't that funny. 

Your crush is feeling broken, vulnerable. She just ended a long relationship. And the best thing you can do is keep your distance. You likely don't know as much as you think you do about the relationship. Her and her boyfriend might be getting back together. They may have broken up for some deeply personal and difficult reasons. Whatever the story, you aren't part of it. Let her friends support her in this troubled time because everyone will see through you and know that the only support you're trying to offer is physical rather than emotional.

Remember that Facebook and Instagram are public forums. No woman wants their nice pictures sullied by your thirsty comments. If you feel the need to compliment a woman's picture (which is almost always a bad idea), at least have the good sense to do it via message. If you comment on her photo, your thirst will be documented for the ages: girlfriends, future employers, and future father-in-laws may stumble on your declaration that you would "be her workout partner any day" or "help her wash that car next time." Save yourself the embarrassment and keep your clever comments to yourself.

Related: The 100 Thirstiest Comments on Instagram 

This move gives you full creeper credentials, as you are crossing the line from spitting digital game to pathetic real-life maneuvers. We don't care if it is dollar draft night, karaoke Tuesdays, or nickel chicken wing afternoon, do not end up at a place in the real world based on her digital check-in. This transcends Facebook stalking and becomes...well, actual stalking.

Late-night desperation hookup chats are never a good look. Things can go from privately pathetic to publicly humiliating very quickly if in your drunken stupor you mistake a wall post for a message or tweet for a DM. If you struck out at the club it is best to cut your losses, make a sandwich, and go to bed. Live to flirt again another day when you are sober enough to type something other than "Hey, R U there? U should come over."

If you didn't catch her last name, you probably have no business hunting for her on social media as soon as you get home from the party. If you didn't have a meaningful conversation in real life, what makes you think that you could build a digital relationship that means anything? All that friending a girl after a brief encounter does is let her know that you think she's hot. Likely, she doesn't need you to confirm that for her, though she will have all the confirmation she needs that you're a creeper.

For the uninitiated, Urban Dictionary defines "Vaguebooking" as "an intentionally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help." We often see Vaguebooking used to passive-aggressively test the waters of possible romance. The hard truth is that if she didn't know you existed before you posted that you are "dreaming of someone special, wishing she could be yours," she still won't know who you are after your lame emotional posturing.

You are not the first person to get the idea that you should "reconnect" with girls you knew in high school. Believe us, attractive women deal with attempts to "reconnect" all the time and they aren't interested. This is especially scummy if you are reaching out around Christmas or Thanksgiving when you will be in town for a few days. Generally speaking, no-strings-attached holiday hookups require some meaningful previous relationship. Trolling through your high school yearbook is nothing new and even those girls who graduated at the bottom of your class aren't going to fall for it.

There are many different ways for you to do this. Maybe you share her post about a favorite charity. Perhaps you leave an honest, heartfelt congratulations when she Instagrams an important life moment. The Internet offers plenty of opportunities to come off as a nice guy, but just make sure you actually believe the things you type. If you are just making these hollow statements to impress her, she'll see right through you and your computer screen. If you don't have something nice to say that you actually mean don't say it at all.

Don't act like you know her better on the Internet than you do in real life. If you wouldn't join her in a coffee shop and strike up an intimate conversation, what makes you think she'll welcome the attempt over Facebook chat? If you wouldn't have the stones to buy her a drink at the bar, how is a suggestive DM appropriate? If you don't have inside jokes that make her crack up IRL, how do you think she'll respond when you tag her in a humorous status update? No matter how much you may want your relationship to be meaningful online, the Internet is never going to make what the two of you have deeper than it is in person.

If you think it can, the only person you are fooling is yourself.