The 10 Worst Video Game Escort Missions Ever

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Final Fantasy XI Online came along at a time when we were still watching old re-runs of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and touching ourselves inappropriately to the Pink Ranger. We could spend countless hours talking about all of the ways Square Enix's MMORPG failed us. Before filling their bed with so much MMO stinking excrement, the short on ideas developers felt the need to include an escort mission that's sort of impressive for how awful it is.

There are a ton of escort missions in this MMO, but this one is amazing because this low level peon you're protecting doesn't even know he's the escortee. Fantastic. It's like making it to the end of an M. Night Shamalan movie. What's next? I'm going to turn out to be the NPC? Anyway, you can find this NPC in the city of Bastok and he wants to investigate the Dangruf Wadi, and he's so dip-shit gung-ho to prove his worth that he'll kill everything in sight regardless of the fact that he's got no hit points and is armed with a glorified butter knife.

Oh, but you can't help him- you see... he doesn't KNOW it's an escort mission- his sister asks you to watch him. So he whines and leaves if he sees you, and you get to start all over again. Hold on, wait right here, I'm going to equip my level 75 helm of not giving a shit. By the way, if you did manage to complete this quest, and leave ding dong's fragile male ego intact, the sister only forks over a lousy 1K in cash. A family that is overly sensitive AND cheap. Good on you Square Enix!

Rockstar's jaunt into the Old West was an amazing feat of contemporary story telling. John Marston may have been a pastiche of discarded Clint Easwood and Charles Bronson DNA, but that didn't make him any less fun to play. What was not that awesome was Marston's inability to ride his horse ten feet without being flagged down by someone who needs help. RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW.

We can't tell you how many people were devoured by bobcats on account of our crushing indifference. All of the side escort missions in Red Dead Redemption are randomly generated and if you're not careful you'll spend all of your time chasing horse thieves, rescuing hostages, battling highway men, and generally being distracted by every barefoot yokel begging you for help.

The absolute worst escort mission in the game has to be 'My Sister's Keeper'. You are tasked with chauffeuring the young Miranda Fortuna away from the coming Mexican revolution. Sounds easy enough. We can just take my horse, it's right over here. Oh, shit. We need to take your wagon that handles like a barrel full of cement cock rings? Great. Meanwhile Miranda hyperventilates in your ear screaming for you to go faster as you dodge roadblocks and keep an eye on a timer. An escort AND timed mission in one sitting? Thanks Rockstar!

Reach was the the prequel installment of the Halo franchise that charts the beginning of the Human/Covenant war. And if the militia members you're escorting in the mission 'Nightfall' represent the collective intelligence of the population on Reach, it's no wonder the Covenant took the planet. Even the word militia evokes the image of doomsday preppers canning their own urine for when the government comes to take their guns and jerky dehydrators.

No wonder the covenant made short work of them. Properly trained military personal should be the only ones handling rocket launchers. This is something that really shouldn't have to be said out loud. Please don't touch the rocket launchers. Talking to you. In the back. With the lazy eye. You encounter the militia members as they're dragging found/stolen UNSC armaments from a river and they decide to do what they can to 'help' you and your team infiltrate a Covenant Pylon site. The rebels define 'help' as blowing themselves up the second they manage to get their hands on a rocket launcher. They're also happy to stand directly under Covenant drop ships and charge Elites and Hunters solo. A word of warning: they will all be killed at the beginning of this mission, and like most ecortees you're happy to see them go.

If I never hear the name "LEON!!" shouted at me again it'll be too soon. Resident Evil 4 is one massive escort mission not so cleverly disguised as a game. Granted, when young Ashley's not being carried off screaming, she is one of the more useful escortees we've come across. Able to follow commands like 'don't fucking move' and 'hurry the fuck up', or our favorite, 'go hide in that dumpster.'

However, despite her ability to follow orders, Ashely's endless complaining and backseat driving dissolve any merits she may have brought to the table. Ashley was a great escort, but that's like applauding the least burn-y rash I've ever had on my junk. Fuck Ashley.

Rockstar is sort of notorious for packing their GTA titles with escort/tail/protect missions and Vice City is no exception. Pretty much anytime Lance Vance shows up we can assume he was off screen spelling his name out in blow before he shows up to 'help'. If he's on-screen you can bet it's for an escort mission due to his coke fueled incompetence. Paranoia and an artificially manufactured sense of confidence don't mix well with automatic weapons. To quote Tommy Vercetti, "He always keeps screwing things up."

If only all of our protagonists were this astute. The 'Death Row' mission is one of the hardest in the game because after your daring rescue of Lance from being tortured, you then have to get him to the hospital before he bleeds out. There is no end to Lance's coke furnished tom-fuckery.

That's right Metal Gear, you made it on to the list twice. As if forcing another escort mission on us wasn't bad enough, you went and merged all of the shittiest mission types into one go. Good for you. A timed, underwater, stealth, escort mission, or TUSEM, has rarely been seen after its debut in MGS2. Forcing you to literally piggyback the young Emma Emmerich through several underwater filled levels because she's hydro-phophobic.

Konami succeeded in creating one of the worst escort missions ever conceived. Really? She's scared of water?! Anything else? Oh, I have to spray bugs with a special coolant to scare them cause Emma's scared of bugs too? Makes perfect sense. If Emma is spotted she's classified as a 'possible hostile' and is sprayed with bullets while she weeps in the fetal position and you get to start that shit all over again. Konami, seeming to enjoy giving players the option to knock ladies out, gives you the option to man-punch her and drag her to the elevator. Grow some bigger lungs, Emma.

You've decided to take a tropical vacation on the beautiful island of Banoi, which sounds vaguely like a sexual position in which no one is happy. You're a doughy middle aged suburbanite couple that has come to the island resort to re-kindle your failing, loveless marriage. Dabbling in some light swinging, a zombie apocalypse lands on your face and forces you to cancel the erotic couples pottery class you had planned for the afternoon.

You and the other survivors could band together, pool your resources, and talk strategy. What's that? You're just gonna charge head-first 'Leeroy Jenkins' style with that branch you found on the ground and no equipment? Good luck! Seriously, every NPC you come across in this game that asks for your help deserves to be devoured whole. They are all such flawed AI, you wonder if the developers were fucking with us when they included them.

So you're a Jedi. You've got the midichlorians (lol), you graduated from the academy, mastered the force, constructed your own lightsaber, and are single handedly saving the universe. How hard should it be to get an R5 unit to open two doors for you? Next to impossible as it turns out.

This shit for brains droid suffers from a complete and total lack of self preservation; a common trait among escortees, and will do anything to get itself blown to pieces. The droid stops once before both doors and after that will not change direction, slow down, pause, or do anything that will stop its own extinction. The six snipers and trip laser mines are more than happy to oblige. As a Jedi you'll need to Force push/pull the R5 unit through the hall like you were jump-starting an old Chevy to properly finish the level. The R5 is guilty of being a soulless automaton that would love nothing more than to lure you into a George Foreman Grill of laser mines.

Oy, Eva, you hungry hungry moo-cow. Tactical stealth espionage is something we're totally cool with. Playing personal chef, is not. Having recently impaled herself on a tree stump, you get to escort a limping Eva through the jungle in one of the less enjoyable sequences of MGS3. Forced to watch her stamina level and listen to her mention her hunger you are forced to forage small woodland creatures to force down this omnivore's gullet.

The jungle was full of edible wildlife a few screens back and now I can't find a rattlesnake or a squirrel to get this backseat driver to zip it about her hunger pains. Pick it up tubby, you're slowing us both down. Eva tries to be a helpful escortee. She fires a revolver every now and again missing any enemies, but happily alerting them to your position. Konami thankfully included an option to knock her out and drag her body out of the way while you clear the area. If only more escort missions included a 'knock useless tag-along out' function.

Perfect Dark was the spiritual successor to the N64 classic Golden Eye. Rare created a title that helped mainstream first person shooters. They also managed to shoehorn a double dose of 'are you fucking kidding me' into one of the most infuriating escort missions of all time. You must get the President off Air Force One and into an escape pod.

Sucks for you because the president loves walls. Loves them so much he wants to marry them. President elect fuck-tard here only loves one thing more than running aimlessly into walls and that's jumping directly into your line of fire. President inner-ear disorder is about as useful as a soiled baby diaper in a crowded elevator.