Good morrow to all you Westerosians, Westerosites, Westeronis, whatever you all call yourselves. Allow me to introduce myself. Brenden Gallagher here, filling in for your boy Matthew of House Barone while he is off in Sin City. It is our sincerest hope that Matthew Barone-theon's time in Vegas resembles Tyrion’s wedding night very little and Gendry’s night with everyone’s favorite crazy naked priestess Melisandre even less. Matt, if you are reading this, heed my words: If you meet a lady in Vegas and she asks you to “Come fight death” with her, get out of that suite, even if she has lovely red locks flowing down to her pale bare booty and wants to get nasty on a novelty size Risk board.
With only two episodes left in the season after last night, you probably know how this goes by now. We are going to hand out crowns to those Lannisters and Starks (mostly Lannisters, but you expected that by now) that made power moves in Episode 8. If anyone made Theon Greyjoy look smart this week, no crown for them. Before we jump into our crown-based power rankings, let’s round-up the non-power players on this week’s show.
The action this week, in the episode title "Second Sons," was unusually focused, limited to three plot lines book-ended by some quick scenes to move story along. Arya thought better of busting up the Hound’s already busted face, while Sam and his girl picked out baby names / partook in some zombie killing. The rest of the action featured two of our favorite naked mystical gals, Daenerys and Melisandre, and one young lady who we’re really glad wasn’t forced to get naked because things are already bad enough for her already, your girl Sansa Stark. As per usual, Sansa was made all the more miserable by Lannisters and Tyrells, though she found an unlikely ally in Tyrion, who was kind enough not to force himself on her. Okay, so that's not exactly ideal chivalry, but in King's Landing, you have to take what you can get.
Remember, Game of Thrones takes next weekend off so you can watch Matt Damon and Michael Douglas in the Liberace biopic, Behind the Candelabra. There will be no need to Watch the Throne for that one because your boy Liberace has that shit sewn up from the first minute. Heavy is the head that wears the sequins crown.
Without further ado, let’s dole out some crowns as we Watch the Throne.
Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)