10 Most Overrated Cities in America

Image via Complex Original

Most Overrated Feature: South Beach night life

Most Overrated Person: Pitbull

Most Overrated Moment: When you came here for spring break

Not only are the Heat all that people from Miami want to talk about, but the players are the only people who can afford the South Beach lifestyle. The overpriced, bottle service life that poisons the pockets of people in cities like New York and Philadelphia runs roughshod over Miami's scene.

This Patron-friendly attitude also attracts the clientele who helped earned Miami top honors in LivingSocial's search for The Vainest City in America. Though there is a strong musical tradition in Miami, little other culture exists outside of titty bars, and many residents feel that government and business interests have no interest in changing that.

The only time young people come to Miami is for spring break debauchery, which might be why Miami is among the top five cities young people are fleeing.  When asked about the departure of young, talented professionals by the Miami Herald, one woman said, "I can't think of one friend in South Florida who has a successful career."

Rather than encourage a youth movement and the expansion of the middle class, shortsighted moves have been the order of the day. In recent years, pricey condos and casinos has ensured that things aren't going to get better any time soon. 

Most Overrated Feature: Large portion sizes
Most Overrated Person: The Jonas Brothers
Most Overrated Moment: The opening of Cowboys stadium

Everything is bigger in Texas, from the jumbotrons, to the shopping malls, to the people. The Dallas/Fort Worth metro area has more shopping malls than Texas law makers have secession threats; locals report a sense of déjà vu as they pass through the endless line of chain stores.

It's good that citizens don't have to travel too far to get to their favorite mall because they might get winded; Dallas is always jockeying with other Texas cities for spots near the top of "fattest cities" lists. Those of you who have had enough of lazy, dirty bohemians after that one college lit. class will be happy to know that Dallas was voted the least "hipster friendly" city last year by Travel & Leisure magazine.

While you may have no love for hipsters, bear in mind that categories like "live music," and "independent boutiques" were used to determine this rating; even the least hipster-like among you likely prefer these bohemian necessities over shopping malls. Another study found that Dallas was the worst city for cyclists. Even if you rely on public transportation, you won't be happy to hear Dallas is also the worst city for drunk driving.

You know what? "Hipster-friendly" doesn't sound that bad.

Most Overrated Feature: Rittenhouse Square
Most Overrated Person: Richard Gere
Most Overrated Moment: Michael Vick getting signed

What are Philadelphia sports fans so angry about? Their notorious exploits are too numerous to get into here; you need just google "batteries + Santa Claus" and you'll be off to a good start. Most cities have tourists—Philadelphia has white-collar suburbanites too afraid to live in the city, who come in for craft brews via party buses on the weekends. You can't blame them for staying as far away from the city as possible. You're taking your life in your hands if you sign a lease north of Spring Garden.

We have to give Philadelphians credit where credit is due. They will likely be equally angry about us critiquing their city as they will be when they read our blurbs on Boston or New York, and will decide we haven't been harsh enough on Philly. Residents of the City of Brotherly Love are the best at manufacturing anger towards other cities on the Eastern Seaboard. Depending on the day, they will be angry at New York, Boston, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or other Philadelphians.

Once a year, Philadelphians put their permanent chip on their shoulder aside to dress like flowers in the Mummer's Parade. Just don't stay out too long on parade day: as with all things Philadelphia, the festivities quickly turn sloppy and violent.

Most Overrated Feature: Being the birthplace of American democracy
Most Overrated Person: Mark Wahlberg
Most Overrated Moment: pre-Spygate Patriots

Historical significance only gets you so far. Bostonians know this deep down in their hearts, which is why they will drunkenly shout at your rather than shy away from their Boston superiority complex. Boston is the kind of city where the Mayor's Deputy Press Secretary is ready to throw down at the first sign of unkind words. This attitude has earned the city "least friendly" status, according to a study conducted by two Michigan psychiatrists.  

From their quiet segregation to their obsessive fascination with sports, there is a lot to dislike about Boston, no matter how many middle fingers Red Sox fans want to throw at us for saying so. One of our favorite Boston events is when this notorious drinking town ran out of liquor licenses. Why all the drinking? You have to drink if you are going to wait for the ever-delayed subways, buses that stop running at midnight, and price gouging taxis that start their fares at $8. But, hey, at least you can look at a statue of Paul Revere while you freeze your ass off.

Most Overrated Feature: Gambling
Most Overrated Person: Any washed-up star headlining a casino
Most Overrated Moment: When you convinced yourself that what happened there stayed there

If your economic thrust is based on all the debaucherous things bros can do when frittering away their life savings, your city may need to rethink itself. It looks like that time is coming for Las Vegas, as the gaming industry struggles with the rise of online gambling and other cities are jumping on the casino bandwagon as a bulwark for their local economy.

Though we're sure that many of you, in your drunker moments, have fantasized about what it would be like to live in Vegas, locals report a tough lot for anyone who wants to work outside of the customer service industry. With an unemployment rate hovering around 12%, even casino jobs are scarce, and social services like transit and health care leave residents wanting. One local writer, struggling to come up with the ten best things about the city (after listing gambling and entertainment in the top five), opted to choose "ease of suicide" for the number nine slot. 

As of press time, the worst thing about living in Las Vegas was dealing with the idiotic behavior of you and your boys when you visit Sin City. Please stop, you're embarrassing yourselves.

Most Overrated Feature: The indie music scene
Most Overrated Person: Chuck Palahniuk
Most Overrated Moment: 2001-2004

Portland has taken its fair share of ribbing over the last several years, as the backlash against the city's position as turn of the century hipster mecca has grown exponentially. Still, that hasn't stopped young people from continuing to move there "to retire," as Portlandia has put it.

Whether you're playing semi-pro tag, food-truck hopping, forming (yet another) artsy folk band, or meditating on new ways to recycle, there are all sorts of things to distract you from the fact that there is no meaningful employment. Those of us who live in more fast-paced cities lose a few friends to Portland every month, only to hear them glumly report back that the city is "BYOJ" (Bring Your Own Job).

Self-starers who have fled the laissez-faire city complain about getting next to nothing done during their time in Portland, as everyone had urged them to "just chill." One friend of ours said she was once blown off for a project because "it was raining." Mind you, the rainy season lasts two-thirds of the year.

You can now answer the age-old question of "what's worse than a hipster?" with "a hipster with Seasonal Affective Disorder who lives in Portland."

Most Overrated Feature: The government
Most Overrated Person: Marco Rubio
Most Overrated Moment: The sequester

Roughly as expensive as New York, but without the gritty veneer that lets you hide your poverty under the guise of shabby chic, low-income folks report tough times in D.C. Much like New York and Los Angeles, there is an incredibly high turnover rate here. Rather than young folks leaving when they give up on their personal dream, they drastically alter their entire worldview when their boss loses re-election and/or compromises their principles. This lapse of faith will strike only after they've dedicated years to a low-paying gig that was filled with 12+ hour days.

We're told these painfully long weeks end in the bar, at midnight, wearing khakis and a lame tie, paying way too much for drinks, and talking endlessly about politics. The only people for young politicos to meet at these bars are other guys, as the nightlife scene has been described by many commentators as a veritable "sausage fest."  

Those who don't flee to other cities will eventually escape to the suburbs to start a family and avoid the middle-aged class of pasty tourists who have far fewer hot daughters than one might have hoped. They rest will continue to pay ten dollars for a beer as they speculate on their boss's re-election prospects, and attempt to stick it out for one more election cycle.

Most Overrated Feature: Following your dream
Most Overrated Person: At least a 4,000 way tie
Most Overrated Moment: The Golden Globes ceremony

Come to Los Angeles to follow your dream, as long as you can stand three hours a day in traffic waiting for said dream. That is of course, if you are still pursuing that dream, and haven't yet opened your own yoga studio/green restaurant/Kabbalah Center yet.

Locals report the combination of plentiful bud, babes, and sun only serves to dull the intellectual firepower that brought you and your screenplay out west in the first place. There is plenty of yoga to be done, sushi to be eaten, and bubble tea to be slurped, but it's a sad substitute for culture. It may seem strange that a town dedicated to an art form leaves the residents wanting in terms of cultural substance, but if you have a choice between sitting in your car for two hours, and staying home and watching The Biggest Loser, even the most intellectually curious among us will take the road that requires less traveling.

The nightlife out here is not only pricey, but wildly hit or miss. Choose wisely before when setting off on that night out. Since public transportation is a joke, if you happen to end up at a bar hosting a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion night, you'll have to choose between staying for the night, or cruising for a DUI.

Also, mountain lions, forest fires, and earthquakes are all things here; no wonder they make so many disaster movies every year. They're just channelling what they know.

Most Overrated Feature: Castro Street
Most Overrated Person: Mark Zuckerberg
Most Overrated Moment: Facebook going public

Though San Fran is often described as being comprised entirely of "hipsters and hippies," the city also has one of the highest rents in the country. Whether you identify as a treehugger or fixie rider, if you can afford these rents, you are also likely a poser.

There are some wonderful hobbies that San Franciscans engage in. One of these beloved pastimes is protesting. As Adam Todd Brown wrote, "San Francisco loves to protest. I was never able to locate it, but I'm pretty sure there's a storefront somewhere in that city where you can just walk in and rent an ethnically diverse group of people to chant in the streets on your behalf for a few hours."

Despite their love of taking to the streets, the city's well-known counter-cultural edge has been dulled in recent years. Bay Area blogger Jonathan Harris said, "Jerry Garcia and Harvey Milk are long gone, Dianne Feinstein supported the invasion of Iraq, and mom loves the classy boutiques run by the clean-cut gentlemen on Castro Street. What happened?"

If you decide to seek out one of these "classy boutiques," you'll likely engage in another favorite activity of San Franciscans—wading through the maze of homeless and naked people who populate the streets. The natural beauty of area is intensified when a naked man screams at you. If you have had enough of the great outdoors, pop into a neighborhood bar for a microbrew, where you can hear the local gossip. If you think the idle chatter where you grew up was boring, look forward to the mind-numbing tech gossip and prepare to experience new depths of dullness.

But, hey, look on the bright side—at least inside the bar they're wearing clothes.

Most Overrated Feature: Williamsburg
Most Overrated Person: The Olsen Twins (Yes, they count as one person)
Most Overrated Moment: Fashion Week

New York is a hell of a town; the most pretentious people in the world cram themselves into studio apartments to become martyrs to whatever trendy art form they moved here to practice/blog about, and use that fact to feel superior to the rest of the country.

You have two choices when choosing your lifestyle in the Big Apple. You can live in a hood that reminds you of the TV shows and movies that lured you here and pay three-quarters of your monthly income for the privilege of living in a closet, or you can shack up in some dingy converted crack den that used to be a butcher's warehouse in the 1920s.

No matter what you do, people are going to try to get you to work for free. Even if you do manage to get paid for whatever it is you do, the moment you walk out the door, someone is trying to screw you out of what little hard-earned money you have. Like many cities, New York is home to the $9 Bud Light, but it is also home to the $15 grilled cheese, and the town car ride that can cost any amount of money (but no less than $50) because, sorry, cabs don't go to Brooklyn.

While grinding yourself into poverty, you will feel like everyone around you has more money than you. That's because they do. The reason for this is that their parents are supporting them into their 30s, even if they are wearing frayed cardigans and soiled V-necks to shows in Bushwick. Especially if they are wearing frayed cardigans and soiled V-necks in Bushwick.