What it communicates: I want to do the Humpty Hump.

This gift is for anyone who is single or bored with monogamy (or, as we like to say, monotony). There is no gift that sends a clearer and more sincere message about your dirtiest intentions. Why play games? Why buy books, concert tickets, or even chocolate? Wait, keep the chocolate.

Why beat around the bush instead of just getting deep into it? You see what we...nevermind. If what you want this V-day is just, well, the V, then be intrepid. Say what you mean with silence and a bottle of apple-flavored lube.