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The 50 Lamest Celebrity Couples of All Time

18. Ava Gardner and Mickey Rooney

Couple Nickname: None
Dated Between: 1942 - 1943

Mickey Rooney's temper was one of the worst in old Hollywood, so obviously his relationship and subsequent marriage to Ava Gardner wasn't the happiest union there ever was. She was his first of eight wives, and the marriage only lasted a year, but it was enough for him to basically talk about their sex life in detail in his 1991 autobiography, Life Is Too Short. Spoiler alert: Rooney, at 5'2", is actually the one who is too short. Oh, and the book came out after her death, so that makes it even worse. A sampling:

Oh, we told ourselves that we were very much in love, and our sex life helped us in that particular piece of self-deception. Once Ava got into the spirit of things, she wanted to do it all the time. And she quickly learned what it was that turned me on about her. Let me count the ways: a smoldering look, a laugh, a tear, kicking off her shoes as soon as she got in the house, getting all dolled up, not getting all dolled up, coming down to breakfast in a pair of shorts-and no top at all. In bed, let's just say that Ava was...well, she had this little rosebud down there at the center of her femininity that seemed to have a life of its own. I am not talking about muscles. One gal I knew had trained her muscles, so that she could snap carrots in her pussy, not hands. But Ava had something different. She had this little extra-it was almost like a little warm mouth-that would reach up and grab me and take me in and make my, uh, my heart swell. She also had big brown nipples, which, when she was aroused, stood out like some double-long golden California raisins. And I sucked those warm breasts, I did taste her mother's milk.

This is what fan fiction looks like, guys.

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