The 15 Stupidest Strip Club Crimes

Lap dances and handcuffs. No, not the sexy kind.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Strip club crimes have given us headlines both ridiculous (Couple Mistakes Police Station For Strip Club) and tragic (Man Paralyzed By Crazy Horse Too Bouncers).

Somewhere in between lies an amusing mass of crimes you might not have read about, and can't even understand. Yes, urinal slaughters and assault by breast milk can happen. No, we can't explain.

The following stories are some of the most outrageous crimes that have ever occurred within five feet of a stripper pole, including one that was eventually adjudicated on the People's Court by Ed Koch. 

Think before you touch: The 15 Stupidest Strip Club Crimes.

Written by Bubbles Burbujas (@StripperTweets), a career stripper who hopes her boss doesn't find out about her writing work. 

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15. Urinal Fatally Shot

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14. The Only Crack We Have Here Is Butt

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13. Tax Evasion Via Tackle Box

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12. Illegal Tender

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11. Topless Latte

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10. No Refunds When You Use Your Black Card, Either

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Date: October 22, 2003  

Savvis CEO Robert McCormick was sued by American Express for refusing to pay a tab from Scores, claiming it was grossly inflated. It was pretty big—six figures big. But, as Elisabeth Eaves pointed out, “A reasonably priced lap dance is not a right.

9. Cleavage and Whiplash

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Date: June 1998

Physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued a Clearwater, FL strip club, claiming that feature dancer Tawny Peaks gave him whiplash by motorboating him with her 69HH implants. The case was eventually adjudicated in Peaks' favor by Ed Koch on the People's Court.

8. “Twerk Doctor” Is Not A Medical Degree

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Date: July 12, 2012

Kimberly Smedley gave illegal buttocks enhancement injections to strippers all across the East Coast, banking over a million dollars, in $500 to $600 increments. Dancers paid Smedley to inject them with non-medical grade silicone and Smedley would close injection sites with Super Glue. But when one of her “patients” fell ill and led investigators to Smedley, she was arrested and later sentenced to three years in prison.

7. Hot Irony

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6. No Refunds On Making It Rain

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5. Hands Off The Heifers

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4. Officer Raincoat Charlie

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3. No, Really, NO REFUNDS

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2. No Cats, No Service

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1. Sit On It, Don't Crush It

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