Author: Nick Cave
Participants: Bunny Munro, River
Worst Line(s): "He feels like the flenched blubber a butcher may trim from a choice fillet of prime English beef and, as the song says, he has never felt this way before. This is completely new territory for him. He can see that the hard globes of River's breasts are perfect and better than the real thing and he attempts to lift his arm in order to pinch her nipples, which are the size and texture of liquorice Jelly Spogs, or stick his finger in her arsehole or something, but realises with a certain amount of satisfaction that he can't be fucked and he lets his arm drop to the side.

"River squeezes Bunny's cock with her muscular vagina."

For the licorice shaped/sized nipples alone, this is one of the weirdest series of food-related sex analogies you're likely to find. Cave throws in a little butcher scraps just to sweeten the pot.