10 Ways to Prep Your Apartment for a One Night Stand

Image via Complex Original

The era when a girl would come back to your spot to "hear some records" is long gone, unless you're dating an intern at Pitchfork. Still, that doesn't mean music shouldn't be a priority. You won't know what music she'll be into, so you need to have a variety of artists cued up on your music streaming platform of choice.

Also, go ahead and delete that playlist labeled "Bonin' Jamz," because, let's be real, it was just Marvin Gaye and D'Angelo anyway.

We know that you're in the midst of digitizing that library of yours, but it doesn't mean it's time sell those novels three-for-a-dollar at a yard sale. While tech savvy e-book fans may never actually read a real book again, you should still hang on to them as conversation pieces.

Leave a bookshelf out in the living room for the lady to peruse, and make sure that they're books you have actually read. If you're more into Farmville than Jonathan Franzen, don't try to pose as a bookworm; women are hip to these type of tricks.

When you joined the gym, donated to the library, or found yourself the target of a corporate sporting event, you were given the gifts that no one wants or needs: shitty, triple XL, branded tees. Instead of tossing them, or wearing them while painting your kitchen, save those oversized threads for your next sexual escapade.

At some point in the night, she'll ask if you have a "comfy shirt" she can "borrow." You will never see that shirt again, unless you see her again, which you probably won't. Bonus: If the shirt is long enough, it will excuse the fact that you don't have any spare gym shorts. You just keep winning.

Men tend to have Spartan diets comprised largely of ramen and potato chips. If your girl gets hungry, are you really going to offer her some Cooler Ranch Doritos? Buy some hummus, man. Ladies love hummus.

It might also be a good idea to have variety of juices around the house as well, so she can get the taste of kissing you out of her mouth, should she desire.

Anyone who was ever 13 years old knows that the bikini model poster business is a lucrative one. Thanks to the marvels of modern photography and Photoshop, you can get a poster of a bikini-clad model on the hood of a sports car, riding a tiger, or even on some kind of sexy rocket ship.

Regardless of the object that supermodel is mounting, she is not going to look classy hanging above your desk. Take down the poster and replace it with a piece of art. It doesn't matter if you have zero artistic sensibility. Even if you opt for a Thomas Kinkade print or the ubiquitous image of dogs playing poker, it will be a better look than a wall-sized print of Beyoncé's ass.

Contrary to what you might think, your bathroom is disgusting. It just is. No amount of half-hearted scrubbing is going to change that. You can only hope to make it less disgusting.

Empty the trash. Your new friend doesn't need to know you have a habit of eating Chef Boyardee on the toilet. Wipe your stray whiskers off the sink. Shit, maybe even invest in a Yankee Candle to hide the scent of the terrible things that you do in there. Your bathroom will never meet a female's standards, but it should strive to be a step above the port-o-potties at the state fair.

Your roommates want to see you get laid. They hope that it will make you less of an incorrigible asshole. They're thinking maybe you'll lighten up on them about doing the dishes for a few days afterwards. Or maybe they're just perverts. Regardless of which it is, nothing kills the mood like a slammed door, followed by a cry of "Hey, I ordered us some pizza for our Breaking Bad marathon!"

Let your boys know that a lady will be present, and that they should be on their best behavior, or better yet, not be at the apartment at all.

Try to justify it to yourself all you want: You wanted to express your individuality, you meant it ironically, they matched your drapes. The answer is still "no." No, you cannot have cartoon characters on your bed sheets if you are a grown-ass man trying to get some grown ass.

Being a fan of a TV show or a comic book doesn't justify plastering your room with posters, buying matching pillowcases, or perching a statue of Hans Solo in Carbonite over your coffee table. You can like Lord of the Rings all you want, just don't show women your hobbit. Pause.

It doesn't matter if the picture is of your cousin, your high school chess partner, or the barista you flirt with at the coffee shop: Do not let a woman stumble across pictures of another female inside your home.

If she has the opportunity to ask, "Who's this?" you've already failed. Take those pictures off your nightstand, and put them in a cardboard box in the closet where they belong. You will thank us later.

If you actually have pictures of your ex lying around, then you've got deeper problems. You might want to skip the bottle service and invest in some therapy sessions. Just a suggestion.

We know what you're going to say. You don't want some girl coming over and seeing a huge sack of condoms on your nightstand. What will she think? Reality: She won't think anything. She understands how casual sex works, and she knows this isn't the first time you've slept with a stranger.

In fact, she knows exactly the kind of dirty dog you are, which is why she'd never let you hit it without a condom. Unless you have plans to cart a newborn to the club, or think syphilis will compliment your style, be safe, and be prepared. There is nothing more mood-killing than running to Rite Aid at 3 a.m. to buy some rubbers. We call that an opportunity squandered.