Hollywood's 10 Worst Attempts to Manufacture the Next Great Action Star

Image via Complex Original

Failed Movie: XXX: State of the Union (2005)

Ice Cube is a man of many gifts. He’s a great rapper, a charismatic actor, and a prime example of how MCs can infiltrate mainstream America’s family circus without losing any street cred. What he’s not, however, is an action hero, a sad truth proven in XXX: State of the Union.

Following up Vin Diesel’s successful XXX, Cube’s ridiculous attempt to pull a Bruce Willis made us actually miss Vin Diesel, and that’s no easy feat. For starters, AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted looks nothing like an action star. With his chubby physique, Cube’s XXX is someone who’d need an oxygen tank after dodging explosions and fighting bad guys in real life. It’s never a good thing to watch an action movie and think, “Dude needs a personal trainer.”

Failed Movie: Firestorm (1998)

Pigskin fans are well aware of Howie Long's off-the-cuff wit and agreeable personality. A seasoned veteran analyst for Fox Network's popular NFL coverage, the former Los Angeles Raiders defensive tackle/eight-time Pro Bowl participant/Super Bowl champ is one of the small-screen's best talking heads when it comes to gridiron commentary. Perhaps he should've given comedy a shot?

Rather than tap into his funny side, Long accepted 20th Century Fox's plans to launch a new action star for the new millennium, a move set in motion via the 1998 smokejumper flick Firestorm. Sadly for Long, NFL junkies couldn't give a damn about watching him run around and pound foes in something other than pads and a Raiders jersey. Universally bashed by critics, the $19 million Firestorm debuted at an embarrassing seventh place at the box office, falling millions of dollars behind six films that'd opened upwards of three weeks prior.

Failed Movie: Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Jason Momoa certainly looks the part, and, after watching him body fools on HBO’s Game of Thrones, there was every reason to believe that the diesel newcomer could handle the physicality of a Conan the Barbarian remake. So color us more than a bit flummoxed that Momoa’s efforts to reinvent the legendary character, previously made famous by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the vastly superior 1982 film, were all for naught in 2011's incoherent, empty excuse to splash gore and sword fights onto 3D glasses.

Speaking all of his lines in baritones and leaving the heavy acting to his eyebrows and forehead, Momoa did little to rectify Conan the Barbarian’s myriad problems, the majority of which should be credited to the folks behind the camera. If you gave us $100 cash, we couldn’t recount the film’s plot, nor could we name Conan’s arch-nemesis or explain why in Thulsa Doom’s name Morgan Freeman delivers the opening narration.

Failed Movie: Alex Cross (2012)

In an alternate universe, there's a version of Alex Cross that stars Idris Elba, the star originally targeted, and is playing in a theater that serves ice-cold beers and replaces "coming attractions" with a live, in-person Kate Upton doing the "Cat Daddy" dance in a two-piece bikini.

Unfortunately, reality is, you know, a thing, and filmgoers are stuck with memories of the woefully miscast Tyler Perry playing novelist James Patterson's homicide detective. In director Rob Cohen's parade of poor acting and non-existent tension, there's also a wildly unhinged, hilariously overwrought performance from Lost alum Matthew Fox. (In the alternate universe it's Mads Mikkelsen.)

There's a joke to be made about how things could've been worse had Perry worn your grandmother's clothes, but, frankly, it's not worth it.

Failed Movie: The Condemned (2007)

Vince McMahon and his WWE underlings are no strangers to Hollywood, with their production company (next up: the Halle Berry-starring thriller The Call) steadily thriving and big-name wrestling superstars consistently trying their hands at acting. Unfortunately, not every grappler can be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, not even the charismatic ones with great mic skills.

When he was bashing skulls and crushing beer cars, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin" electrified crowds with hilarious redneck bravura; on the big screen, he's a blank slate. In the low-rent Battle Royale ripoff The Condemned, Austin struggled with any scene that didn't involve hurting humans. Admittedly, lots of The Condemned is about hurting people. But the pastoral scenes? Oof.

Failed Movie: Stone Cold (1991)

It's tough not to feel bad for Brian "The Boz" Bosworth. Prior to getting drafted by the Seattle Seahawks in the 1987 NFL supplemental draft, he was a highly decorated Academic All-American while playing for the University of Oklahoma. But then came the pros, where Bosworth played for just two underwhelming seasons. Widely considered to be a bust, he once ranked within the top 10 of an ESPN-generated poll focused on the "Biggest Flops of the Last 25 Years."

Bosworth's brief tenure in Hollywood wasn't any better. In fact, it was much worse. It was no blessing when he was given headlining star treatment for Stone Cold, a 1991 misfire about a hard-nosed cop hired by the FBI to dismantle a biker gang. An imposing physical presence without any discernible human qualities, Bosworth stomps his way through the movie and constantly gets upstaged by the antagonist, Lance Henriksen, who's clearly in tune with the material's cheesiness.

Consider Stone Cold the potential precursor to the Kirk Cameron-produced, Tim Tebow-starring Christian action film the world will hopefully never see.

Failed Movie: Abduction (2011)

If Taylor Lautner knows what’s good for him, he’ll beg Stephanie Meyer to write more Twilight books, or at least some spinoff novels focused on his character. Because if John Singleton’s unconvincing Abduction is any indication, Lautner is on the road to irrelevance.

Not that Singleton gave dude any help, though. Even if it had starred Jason Statham, Abduction would still register as one of the most idiotic and cliché-ridden mistakes in recent memory. It’s as if Singleton has never seen a Hollywood action movie before.

Which, sadly, doesn’t absolve Lautner of his sins. Surrounded by tension-free set pieces and a Bourne-Identity-for-tweens plot, female teenyboppers’ favorite alpaca lookalike spits out dialogue with the verve of a manic depressive. The next Matt Damon, he is not.

Failed Movie: Steel (1997)

In theory, action heroes don't get any more tailor-made than Shaquille O'Neal. For one, during his time spent in the NBA, Shaq Diesel was a funny, charming, gifted fan favorite, the kind of professional athlete that youngsters want to be and Hollywood agents want to sign. Secondly, in the mid-'90s, the towering 7 feet and 1 inch big man tipped the scales at more than 320 pounds. Best of all, as he proved on the court night in and night out, he was extremely agile for a man his size.

Shaq's biggest selling point, though, was the fact that he'd already shown some workable acting chops in otherwise poorly received films like Blue Chips and Kazaam. And by "workable," of course, we mean enjoyable not to watch, not Oscar-worthy.

As expected, Hollywood move-makers tried to get the most out of Shaq's unique on-screen package, casting him to play the title character in the unnecessary DC Comics superhero flick Steel. Wholly unconvincing as a running, jumping, punching crime-fighter, O'Neal would've put up cinematic air-balls even if director Kenneth Johnson knew how to shoot an action scene with decent lighting, fluid camerawork, and any tangible excitement.

Johnson didn't, of course, and Steel remains the proverbial nail in the coffin housing O'Neal's action movie career.

Failed Movie: The Marine (2006)

Be thankful—WWE's "Doctor of Thuganomics" could've very well starred in a Vince Mcmahon-backed, poor man's version of 8 Mile. The wrestling federation's resident freestyle rapper, Cena is known for being the sport's biggest hip-hop head, and, one would imagine, there must've been meetings behind the scenes about ways to exploit that side of his persona. So, in a sense, it's a good thing that they opted to go the tired and true route by positioning Cena as a blue-collar action hero.

Nonetheless, discerning moviegoers unfortunate enough to pay their way into screenings of 2006's The Marine were greeted with a predictably bland and formulaic throwback to the Steven Seagal/Jean-Claude Van Damme films of the '80s, minus the goofy charm and loveable cheese.

At his best, Cena is a dimmer, seriously jacked Mark Wahlberg, and in a better movie he'd be likable enough to coast by on his (diesel) everyman qualities. But, alas, The Marine screenwriter Michael Gallagher and director John Bonito didn't do him any favors. For that matter, nor did the filmmakers behind 12 Rounds, Cena's equally inert, action-heavy 2009 effort.

Failed Movie: Rollerball (2002)

Two successful American Pie movies in a row—in 1999 and 2001, respectively—solidified the cast members' collective in-demand status throughout Hollywood. Whereas Jason Biggs wisely signed up for a string of lightweight comedies, Chris Klein, the resident jock, foolishly fancied himself an action hero. He came across some promising material, too: a high-budget remake of the 1975 cult flick Rollerball, directed by John McTiernan, who'd previously made Predator and Die Hard. Foolproof, right?

Absolutely not. Made for $70 million, Rollerball hardly made back $26 mil at the box office, proving a couple of things: One, McTiernan's glory days were long behind him, and, two, his boy Chris Klein possessed (and still possesses, frankly) the on-screen magnetism of a chiseled mannequin.