A Guide to Human on Non-Human Hookups in Movies

Image via Complex Original

Notable Examples: Nekromantik (1987), Nekromantik 2 (1991), Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993), Clerks (1994), Kissed (1996), Warm Bodies (2013)

White Zombie, released in 1932, is widely recognized as the first zombie film. Audiences have been eating (ayo!) them up ever since. But zombie-on-human love is a relatively new concept (see 1993's Return of the Living Dead 3 for an early example). Typically, zombies don't get ass—they get brains. Or entrails, or whatever else is easily caught and clawed apart. Warm Bodies seeks to soften the image of zombies in popular culture. Will it work? Nah, probably not.

While they aren't zombies, corpses have a history of getting play on film. The extreme German horror film Nekromantik put necrophilia through the grimy exploitation ringer. Clerks played human/corpse intercourse for laughs. Kissed, a little-seen Canadian film, dressed it up very seriously for the art-house treatment. Such a variety of approaches for something so damn ghastly.

Notable Examples: Ghost (1990), Casper (1995), Haunted (1995), Scary Movie 2 (2001)

In 1990, Ghost accomplished what Warm Bodies would love to: It made audiences want to see a human get freaky with one of the undead. Did it help that the undead character was played by Patrick Swayze? Possibly. Did it help that sensual pottery was involved? Definitely.

Curiously, a number of films have made human and ghost coupling look fun, or has at least depicted the individuals involved as having enjoyed themselves. In Scary Movie 2, Tori Spelling's character enjoys her romp so much, she has a smoke with the spirit right after. Same goes for the British picture Haunted, where Aidan Quinn's character (alive) gets freaky with Kate Beckinsale's character (dead).

This is really fucking weird, right?

Notable Examples: An American Werewolf in London (1981), Teen Wolf (1985), Wolf (1994), The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), Wolfman (2010)

When we were in high school, if a kid were to suddenly grow fangs and transform into a wolf, the hot cheerleaders would have all ran and screamed. They wouldn't have been clamoring to make out with the creatures. But what do we know? We didn't go to Michael J. Fox's high school. 

On the silver screen, human-on-werewolf hookups are far more common than one would think, despite the bestiality factor. In fact, show us a film that stars a werewolf, and we'll show you a werewolf who's getting laid. And it's not just teen heartthrobs like Twilight's Taylor Lautner. Benicio del Toro and Jack Nicholson, two men who aren't stereotypical movie hunks, have both played lucky werewolves.

But since more and more women these days go for bearded men, we suppose getting it on with a werewolf wouldn't be so undesirable.

Notable Examples: Love at First Bite (1979), The Lost Boys (1987), Queen of the Damned (2001), Twilight (2008)

Above all else, the vampire-human relationship has been fetishised beyond genre. The days of vampires using humans as a source of food until angry villagers plunge a stake through their undead hearts are gone. Now we get to watch vampires really love. Sometimes we miss the old days. 

Still, vampires have always had romantic potential—it's in their lore. They're known to be good looking in order to attract mates/dinner. They can kinda/sorta hypnotize a person. They only come out at night because day dates are friend zone material. And, we guess, there's something romantic about spending eternity with someone else (assuming your vampy lover turns you). And—even bigger guess right now—some people might find it romantic that someone loves them so much they want to drink their blood. Angelina Jolie? 

Twilight's appeal isn't new. As long as there have been vampire flicks, there have been humans seduced by vampires, and vampires falling in love with their food. 

Notable Examples: The Witches of Eastwick (1987), Bewitched (1998), Practical Magic (1998), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Because witches tend to be played by smoking hot movie stars (with Hocus Pocus and The Wizard of Oz serving as outliers), human/witch hookups aren't uncommon.

Nowadays, human-on-witch romance isn't just an adult romance novel fantasy; it's being popularized by young adult movie franchises, namely Harry Potter and the upcoming Beautiful Creatures, which is set to be the next Twilight. 

Forget the days of green warty witches and the tragedy of the Salem witch trials, it's time to talk about wizards and witches as this generation's Prince and Princess Charming. 

Notable Examples: Superman (1978), Coneheads (1993), Species (1995)

When you think about it, aliens have received much play in the movies. Lois Lane didn't seem to mind that Superman was from Krypton. What about Princess Vespa in Spaceballs? She was from Druida, and Lone Starr was dying to get into that chastity belt. Natasha Henstridge had her intergalactic tongue in many a mouth in Species (admittedly, those trysts didn't end well). 

Provided that the alien in question has the same sexy parts as a human, alien is something to be celebrated. Mummies are dead. Zombies swallow brains. It's illegal to rock an animal's world. But aliens? As far as the United States government is concerned, they don't even exist!

But here's the downside to sexing with an alien. You don't know what's going to happen physically. Aliens may have some crazy way to make love, like biting off the male's head afterward. Or you could get pregnant. And not in a normal way. Especially if you're a dude. You just don't know.

Notable Examples: The Beast (1975), Wedding Trough (Vase de Noces) (1975), Emanuelle in America (1977), Howard the Duck (1986)

No, bestiality porn does not count, as it would be far too easy to find examples. Instead, it's much more rewarding to find feature-length films screened for large audiences that featured humans with animals, especially Howard the Duck. Because that movie is batshit.

But that's jumping too far ahead in the timeline. First, 1975's The Beast, a French erotic comedy featuring a very explicit sex scene between a young maiden and a hairy, well hung beast.

In the same year, Wedding Trough debuted. It's subtitled "The Pig Fucking Movie." Enough said.

In 1977, the Italian film Emanuelle in America was released, featuring a controversial scene in which an actress gets intimate with a horse.

Thankfully, Howard the Duck saved the world from these unsavory scenes by depicting sweet love between a giant talking duck and Lea Thompson. Wait, what are we talking about? That scene was traumatizing.

Notable Examples: The Mummy (1999), The Mummy Returns (2001)

Karl Freund's 1932 horror classic The Mummy, starring Boris Karloff as the slow moaner, prepared viewers for this "wrapped up" variety of hookup. In that film, the undead Imhotep stalks Helen Grosvenor, a living woman who bears a striking resemblance to the mummy's bride (now deceased). All Imhotep needs to do is kill Helen and mummify her so that they can enjoy the afterlife together.

There's no human on mummy action though, as Imhotep is unsuccessful. However, in the '99 iteration of the tale, Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo) gets to lock lips with the living woman he wants to take as his bride (this time she's played by Rachel Weisz). This being contemporary Hollywood, the quick scene is tolerable because both of the people involved are conventionally attractive.

Notable Examples: Barbarella (1968), Weird Science (1985), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

The movies love robots, but seldom do they show up in the bedroom. And when they do, it's often not a good thing. Just ask Barbarella. In Roger Vadim's 1968 classic, Barbarella is trapped in the Excessive Machine, a device designed to torture the subject to death with pleasure. But Barbarella is too tough for it and the machine breaks down giving her orgasms.

In the sequel to the first Austin Powers, the British spy comes to learn that his wife, who he's been having zesty sex with, is a Fembot. Then she tries to murder him.

But on the other hand, there's Kelly LeBrock's character in Weird Science, the creation of a computer. She only makes good things happen.

Notable Examples: Splash (1984), The Little Mermaid (1989), Beauty and the Beast (1991), Shrek (2001)

In fairy tales, unless you're Humpty Dumpty, everything winds its way to "happily ever after." It's something we've grown up with—the beast with a heart of gold gets the girl, the ugly duckling becomes a swan. 

But when that's applied to reality, we're less inclined to fall for the fantasy. If Shrek were the tale of a real-life bulbous dimwit, he wouldn't be making eyes with the princess, he'd be maxing out his credit cards on porno websites. 

But that's the thing about humans hooking up with fairy tale creatures: life lessons overshadow the plausibility of actual relationships. If something doesn't work, like mermaid bits with human bits, it will work out in the end, as long as you're a decent person. That's kinda nice.

Greatest films with mannequin/human hook-ups: Mannequin (1987), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Lars and the Real Girl (2007)

Mannequins, including human-sized blow-up dolls, are sold around the world every day, so it was bound to be exploited in a movie to explore certain facets of love and relationships.

The thing about Mannequin is that it's really just about how depressing it is to work in retail. You get the job because you need it, your boss hates you automatically, and you work the worst entry-level job. Then, since you're so depressed and lonely because of the stock-boy hours, you fall in love with a mannequin who you swear comes to life. 

In 2007's Lars and the Real Girl, Ryan Gosling, the guy every other girl currently wants to jump, actually managed to make audiences empathize with his relationship with Bianca, a life-sized sex doll, that he treated as a real woman. That's the power of Gosling.

Notable Examples: Bride of Chucky (1998), Black Devil Doll (2007), Ted (2012),

Human on toys happens all the time, really. There's a whole business there. We're talking Fleshlights, vibrators—you get the idea. And we live in a time where most of this stuff is normal. Or at least acceptable, so long as it isn't your mom going through your underwear drawer.

But there exist some examples of people taking a love of toys too far. In Bride of Chucky, Jennifer Tilly voices Tiffany, a seductive, murderous doll with a healthy sex drive. Then, in 2010's campy horror flick Black Devil Doll, there's a whole lot of toy-on-human action after a girl spends a night playing occult and summons an evil doll with a fro, who exacts revenge on her half-naked friends. 

And who could forget Ted? We'll never understand how the Seth MacFarlane-voiced stuffed animal dates a hot blonde and participates in a foursome. Logistics, you know? 

Notable Example: Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004), Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)

The great absurdist moment of the first Harold & Kumar film involves one man and his passionate love for a bag of weed. Not his love for weed, but truly his romantic feelings of devotion for a single bag. It's part l'amour fou, part Raging Bull, and all beautiful.

No more words, just let Heart's "Crazy on You" take you away.

 (Note: The joke is reused in the sequel, but it lacks the novelty and punch).

Notable Examples: American Pie (1999), Trash Humpers (2009)

And sometimes people just fuck inanimate objects. Like a warm pie. Or piles of garbage.

This is America, and to each his own.