13. Alex Cross
Director: Rob Cohen
Stars: Tyler Perry, Matthew Fox, Edward Burns, Rachel Nichols, Cicely Tyson, Jean Reno, Carmen Ejogo, Giancarlo Esposito, John C. McGinley
In some alternate universe, there's a version of Alex Cross that stars (its originally targeted star) Idris Elba playing in a theater that serves ice-cold beers and replaces "coming attractions" with a live, in-person Kate Upton doing the "Cat Daddy" dance in that two-piece bikini. And, the Sports Illustrated model's gyrations aside, the movie is pretty damn good.
Unfortunately, reality is, you know, a thing, and we're stuck with memories of the woefully miscast and robotically acting Tyler Perry playing novelist James Patterson's beloved homicide detective. In director Rob Cohen's parade of poor acting and non-existent tension, there's also a wildly unhinged, hilariously overwrought performance from Lost alum Matthew Fox (In the alternate universe it's Mads Mikkelsen.).
We'd make a joke about how things could've been worse had Perry cross-dressed, but, frankly, it's not worth it. As you can tell by the fact that Madea's Witness Protection is nowhere to be found in this countdown, we're trying to move past Mabel Simmons' obnoxious ways.