Why Kids Should Be Afraid of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the Rest of Their Creepy Friends

Santa Claus

A fat, jolly old man who, only wanting children to be happy, spends eternity ensuring that kids get the toys they desire for Christmas? Even our cold, dead hearts have to admit that it’s a nice thought. But before you get all starry eyed and start believing in the good of people and the magic of Christmas, that’s not all there is to the story.

Santa only brings his joy and abundant amount of presents to children under the condition they remain “good” for the entire year. The children who don’t abide by this rule get coal wrapped in a pretty little bow come Christmas morning. Harsh, but even this is understandable—some children need added incentive to not be destruction little dickheads.

What isn't understandable is how Santa pulls off his magical duties every year. To start with, how does he know how everyone is behaving year-round? Simple: He watches you. All year, every second, of every day. People get restraining orders against them for this kind of thing, but jolly old Santa? That’s not creepy, that’s just his job. Apparently so is having kids sit on his lap and tell him what they want old Santa to give them. (Ayo-ho-ho!)

Secondly, how does he get all the toys that he brings to the “good” children every year? He doesn't wait in line at his local toy store like the rest of us. Instead, he "employs" an army of elves year-round to make the toys, with no holidays or breaks or even a nice pension fund to help them out when they retire. To the real world, this is known as slave labor.

Last, but certainly not least on his list of shady behavior, he delivers said toys by sneaking into people’s houses through the chimney while they’re sleeping, which is better known breaking and entering. For someone who supposedly wants children to be “good” for a whole year, he commits an awful lot of felonies in one magical night.

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