Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)
REPUBLICAN FRIENDS, today must hurt. Still, sit down and hear this out. These next four years don’t have to be tough, so long as you’re willing to consider the upside. Think about staying here in the States. Though all the honeys in Montreal speak French, you guys won’t like the health care, so please calm down and unpack the station wagon. Stay an American. In fact, be an American and support a local small business, just like Mitt and Paul would’ve wanted. Support your local bar. Though you may feel that President Obama’s re-election wasn’t the right thing for our economy, you have to agree that President Obama’s re-election was the right thing for every person at the bar trying to get it in.
A victory for Barack Obama is a victory for drunken hookups. Admit it: Something sweaty is just what you need right now. Nothing would take your mind off the black helicopters of socialism quite like boning. Missionary sex, of course.
The economy shuffles around like your dad with Alzheimer’s, the national debt is staggering, and New York City is underwater—be glad we have the man whose policy on the campaign trail was B.Y.O.B.
Let’s start with the obvious. President Obama made birth control free, or at least severally discounted, for millions of women. You see, gentlemen, we live in what’s called a patriarchy, where men have a disproportionate amount of power. But with this necessary service provided by the government, American women have access to a neat superpower: They don’t have to become pregnant with your dumb-ass progeny. And that’s good for you, because you don’t want to have a baby. Note: For you forward-thinking fellas who can operate your dick and a condom at the same time, you can pick up free jimmy hats at Planned Parenthood. Ladies love it when you wrap it up, word to the TLC video where they wear rubbers inside eyeglasses.
Still, the non-believers hang by the wall, not wanting to get turnt up and turnt out. Think the biggest obstacle to hooking up at the club is matching your belt to your shoes? Wrong. It’s student loans. How the hell are you going to buy her a drink after paying $500 a month for that anthropology degree you use folding shirts at J.Crew? While we have an ass-backwards student loan situation in this country, President Obama has worked to remedy the nastiness, including his “Pay As You Earn Proposal,” which might allow you to engage in a “Pay for Her Drink Proposal.” Such a proposition would certainly increase your chances of allowing your private sector to act as an “invisible hand” on her free market. (Was any of that that correct? We need one of you Repub experts in Austrian econ to fact check our sex—you could use the pointers, trust.)
Policy aside, is it not of the utmost importance to have a POTUS who likes to party? The economy shuffles around like your dad with Alzheimer’s, the national debt is staggering, and New York City is underwater—be glad we have the man whose policy on the campaign trail was B.Y.O.B. Did you know that Obama’s the first president to homebrew in the White House? We’re not saying that Barry will be your wingman the next time you head out, but judging by how many super-personal emails he sent us during this election cycle, it couldn’t hurt to ask. And with a fine woman like Michelle by his side, he won’t cockblock you. He wants to help.
Now that the votes have been counted, let’s be merry. President Obama might not help you in terms of tax loopholes, but he can help you hook up. Order another stiff drink, young conservative, and get to know your bartender, because you’re going to be here often.
How do we know? That’s how we got through eight years of Bush.