Dear Old Lindsay,
Right now, you’re riding high off the success of Mean Girls. But get this: the film—and the careers of almost everyone in it—will hold up, far, far better than you will. Even the dumb one's going to star in a big screen adaptation of Les Mis! Yes, that Amanda Seyfried.
Now you’re probably already asking what gives this person—or anyone, really—the right to talk to you like this.
Well, for one thing, I’m from the future. Don’t believe it? Look me up. I'm in the Valley. Right now, I'm 14 years-old, and writing furiously in a composition notebook while My Chemical Romance blasts through my headphones. Or I’m eavesdropping on a conversation between my high school’s self-appointed Plastics. You know, the ones you inspired me to eavesdrop on?
In terms of fandom, I've got credentials:
I memorized your Parent Trap handshake. I started a band because of Freaky Friday. I even saw I Know Who Killed Me. On opening night. Alone. Like, the only one in the theater, alone. And you know who saw Georgia Rule? I did. You know who else saw Georgia Rule? Nobody. Those last two might not ring a bell, because I’m writing to you eight years from now, and you probably haven’t even read those scripts yet.
But bad movies aren’t the only things you’ve got to watch out for.
You're eventually going to get into some pretty crazy shit, including (but not limited to) the following, for which you now have sage advice:
- If you’re in the ladies room of some swank Hollywood party and some drunk socialite asks you: "Hey, you want to take a bump off this?" you should leave.
- If your diabetic friend asks you in a dark, musky club, "Hey can you hold this for a sec?" and it’s a syringe, the correct response is: "Not really." Night vision technology will improve, as will the ability of some paparazzo's desire to take a grossly incriminating photo of you holding said needle.
- The whole world knows you’re dating Fez right now. Fess up. Don’t worry about turning 18 to make the announcement. Just FYI, this time six years from now, Wilmer Valderamma will be dating a girl as old as you are right now. And hey, guess what: you’ll be dating girls, too! And speaking of which:
- Love who you love. A Showtime show called The L Word is going to introduce a closeted lesbian character based on you, regardless.
- If you’re still pissed about Aaron Carter dumping you for Hilary Duff, don’t sweat it. Karma’s got your back. One day, people will be calling him "Flesh Beard."
- Avoid any one who supports the word “Firecrotch,” and that includes a vacuous blonde whose name rhymes with “heiress.”
- Always wear underwear. Googling "celebrity vaginas" is fairly popular in 2012.
- Before leaving any expensive retail stores, just ask yourself, “Did I put back everything I tried on?” Or, “Did I take out all the security cameras?” Or, simply: Remember Winona.
- Hire a driver. Before you go on a rant about your independence, think of how brutal jail and 480 hours of community service sounds.
- Do not, under any circumstance, go clubbing with your mother. Ever.
- No matter how bad life at home gets, don’t let your parents taint your career. Be it a public fight, your dad taking "selfies" in see-through shirts that look like they were stolen from a Chippendale’s closet, or your mom sounding crazy-wasted on an episode of Dr. Phil. Which she will.
- Repeat some daily affirmations in front of the mirror, in the event you have the urge to fill your face in with Botox.
- There’s this thing called Twitter. You’ll think it’s a great way to get in touch with your fans, but really it’s a great way to tell everybody you just failed a drug test.
If you don’t take this advice, Young LiLo, the consequences will be far, far worse than just a few terrible tabloid clippings. This new (fake) ginger named Emma Stone is going to come around, and "have the career you should've had." Not my words, it’s what the world will say (or, for our purposes, has already said). Someone will edit a viral video depicting the evolution of your face—it will look CGI, but it’s not. Fergie will turn you into a Halloween costume. Yes, Fergie, the girl who pees on stage, will turn you into a Halloween costume.
The worst part? Even if you still make these mistakes, and don't heed these warnings, some people will still sit in front of their televisions for the Lifetime premiere of a film in which you play Elizabeth Taylor.
The Sole Remaining Member of The Lindsay Lohan Fan Club, and Western Civilization At-Large.