Address: 31 South St.
Website: fat-tuesday.com

With the douchey dream of bringing the hedonistic stereotypes of Mardi Gras to various U.S. cities, as well as potent daiquiris in 7-Eleven-style to-go cups, Fat Tuesday is the douchiest business venture this side of Hooters Air. The Philadelphia location is certainly the douchiest, as the other locations are in warm-weather locales where daiquiri culture makes some sense. Pasty white bodies writhing for beads (that you pay for) while pouring alcoholic slurpees down their throats is, basically, a nightmare.

One Yelp reviewer summed it up: “It's places like this that have the entire street under lock-down on Mardi Gras. It's places like this that get the people so drunk and obnoxious that they make my walk down and around South Street pure misery. And it's places like this that serve people so much drink that they wind up punching police horses.”

Where can we buy tickets to watch this happen? If we opened a bar, it would be next door to Fat Tuesday and would include open-air seating where you could sip a beverage and watch the troglodytes punch police horses.