Date: 5/26/2012

This wasn't the first of the zombie attacks in Florida, but the tale of the Miami Face-Eater was definitely the most widely publicized. Rudy Eugene of North Miami Beach chewed off 75 percent of the face of an older homeless man, Ronald Poppo. The attack lasted 18 minutes on the side of a freeway before police arrived. When they did, an officer approached the naked man. Eugene raised his head, flesh dangling from his mouth, and growled: put your zombie rumors in the air. Thanks to Eugene, everyone now knows what these illegal street drugs, bath salts, are, and how they make people insane, strong, and hot enough to strip naked in broad daylight. Oh, and everyone also knows that this shithouse known as the world is currently going up in flames. Get your kicks in before it's too late.