What other memorable fights have you gotten into with each other?
Blake: Adam threw pizza in my butthole once. We fought about that. We were in Chicago on our first comedy tour. Drunk. Livin’ life. Adam puked egg rolls in the limo, so I said, “I’ma take my pants off.” Nobody was feeling that, but they stayed off.
Adam: I had put all my stuff on a bed to claim it and then Blake fell asleep on the bed with all my stuff, curled up in a position where his ass and butthole were just fully in there. So I spiked some deep dish pizza in his butthole. Ders recorded us fighting and sent it to Kyle on his voicemail, ’cause he wasn’t there.
Blake: Kyle put sad music behind it. You can still hear it on Myspace.
Anders: “You can’t throw fuckin’ pizza up my butt!” “Well, your butt’s always hangin’ out! Fine then! No more butts! We won’t joke about butts anymore!”
Adam:: “Is that a thing? We’re not joking about butts anymore, Adam?” “Yah, I guess that’s a thing! No more butt jokes!” [Everyone laughs.] But we were so dead serious.
When I got fired from a Domino’s commercial because my ass was too huge, that was the definition of 'butt hurt.' —Adam
Speaking of asses, I heard Domino’s execs once dropped Adam from a commercial because they didn’t think his butt could sell pizza.
Adam: Yeah, and now it’s selling a TV show. Get at me! Sorry, Domino’s. I auditioned and they were like, “Oh, great, this dude can hold pizza and say one funny line.” They had this expensive crane. It was a huge production. They did this tracking shot of me getting out of a car and carrying the pizza to the house. It followed my ass, and evidently it was way too rotund. Out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing the Domino’s exec dismayed, just destroyed, that my ass was in the shot. They gave me bigger pants and tried to un-tuck the back of my shirt, but nah. When I got fired from that Domino’s commercial because my ass was too huge, that was the definition of “butt hurt.”
Workaholics transformed the English language with your use of “tight butthole” to describe anything that’s awesome and “loose butthole” for anything that’s not. What other ways can the butthole be used to describe situations and feelings?
Adam: A wet butthole of a day, ‘cause it’s a shitty day… Maybe it’s rainy. A slushy butthole of a day? I can talk about buttholes all day. [Laughs.]
Anders: If you have angst or anxiety, that’s an itchy butthole. “I don’t know man, my butthole itches about that whole situation.” If you got a bad feeling about something it’s, “That butthole’s totally crusty, man. I wouldn’t do that.” There are hairy buttholes. That’s a gnarly situation, like you’re running from the cops or whatever. “Dude, that butthole was hairy!”
What about a juicy butthole?
Anders: Uh, that would be whatever’s the most disgusting thing ever. [Laughs.] That’s like a bubbling butthole: “Last night’s Arby’s came out of my bubbling butthole and it was a bubbling butthole.”
There must have been many slushy and bubbly butthole days when you actually worked as telemarketers. What’s the worst thing someone you called did to you?
Adam: The worst was when people would pretend like, “Oh yeah, I definitely want some knives. Let me go get my credit card.” Then they’d come back and blow an air horn in my ear holes. People being mean became a normal thing. It was worse when people told their sad story about how lonely they were and how nice it was to talk to somebody. Those people weren’t buying shit, though, so you had to move on to the next call. You’re like, “I wish I could punch your grandkid in the face for not visiting you, old lady.”
Talking about the hoes you get, that’s the funniest rap. People f***, dude. You f*** too? Cool, man. You know you’re talking to mostly guys about this, right? —Anders
Anders: A lot of people said, “Oh yeah, hang on a second,” and then set the phone down. They thought they got me but it was the best thing ever because I didn’t have to do anything. I could pretend I was on a call while the boss trolled around. If they hung up, your computer redialed automatically. Some dudes would scream, “I’m a fucking lawyer! I’m gonna sue you!” You’re not suing me, homie. You’re gonna sue some company that I couldn’t care less about.
It’s clear from the raps on your show that you know hip-hop on a deep level. Did any of you ever want to rap seriously?
Did you freestyle in school?
Anders: Unfortunately, yes. [Everyone laughs.] At every party at my high school, there would be somebody banging their keys against the keg, dropping beats, and people being like, “OK, OK! All right, all right! OK!”
Adam: Just the beginning?
Anders: [Laughs.] No, there was some full-force rapping. My school, Evanston Township High School, has churned out more MCs—more white MCs—per capita than any other area.
Blake: When we were in high school, Kyle, my buddy Justin, and I released a rap album, Sugar in the Raw, which was like a Czechoslovakian trio. My MC name was Brother Diamond. It was tight. I was all about killing turtles and stuff.
Adam: I did not rap. I’m not a good rapper. For whatever reason, my brain does not work that way. I just do the beginning, like, “Yeah, yeah! Ha ha! Woo! What up? Come on! Get at me!” I’m Captain Hook.
Blake and Anders, how would you describe your rap styles?
Anders: I don’t dig rap that brags about getting chicks and shit. Talking about the hoes you get, that’s the funniest rap. People fuck, dude. [Everyone laughs.] You fuck too? Cool, man. You know you’re talking to mostly guys about this, right? That’s awesome.
Blake: If you come at it like that you have to be extremely honest. That’s why R. Kelly is the best, because he doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s just like, “Let’s have sex. And I’m going to wear my white T-shirt.”
We skipped two or three parties at the Playboy Mansion to do work. It’s a strong move, I know. I hope to not regret it someday. —Blake
Anders: But he’s talking to women! Kells is like, “Women, I fuck a lot. That’s why I know I’m the best. So come over.” A lot of rappers are talking about how they fuck, but they’re telling you, like, “Ayo, Bruce, I fuck a lot of girls.” I’m not a huge LL guy, but at least he’s talking to women, so it’s acceptable. I’m glad he’s not talking to me, ’cause I don’t care. “My stroke is long, dude!” [Everyone laughs.] Nice! Cool stroke!
Adam: I just want someone to be totally honest and say, “I got a medium-sized dick. My stroke ain’t that long. I’ve had sex with 11 girls.” [Everyone laughs.] Which is a pretty good number. Not too bad.
What is the best perk of celebrity thus far?
Blake: The babes. My girlfriend’s way cute now. [Everyone laughs.]
Your manager, Isaac, said you guys have skipped several parties at the Playboy Mansion to focus on work. That is both a travesty and also incredibly impressive and respectable.
Blake: Yeah, it’s a strong move, I know. We skipped two or three parties, and we have yet to go to the Playboy Mansion. It’s a bummer but hopefully we’ll be around long enough to enjoy the fruits of our labor. I hope to not regret it someday. There are definitely some babes over there that would be cool to meet.
Since you became famous, are there other famous people you’ve met who you consider to be genuine friends?
Blake: I like to kick it with all the Trash Talk homies. The Odd Future kids come hang out too. Taco’s the shit. Travis. I never skateboarded but I always liked the culture and those guys are into that too, so we bonded a bit on that. The Trash Talk dudes like to drink, too, so it all works out. They’re good people, it turns out.